Didn't even respond

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Didn't even respond
13
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 8:44am
Hi all - it's me again. I keep apologizing for posting again and again but it helps to get some of these feelings out. I sent another email yesterday to my fiance (well ex-fiance) and he didn't even give me the courtesy of responding. I guess he's decided that's the best way to handle this is to ignore me. I just don't understand how someone can tell you they love you and want to work things out and then 8 hours later say he just can't do this anymore. I'm so devastated I can't see straight. Do people fall out of love that easily? HELP, I'm really drowning in my tears today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:16am

ka1964...

For the final time...Pianoguy is going repeat the thoughts he offered earlier:

THE EX-FIANCEE WANTS NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU...AND NOT RESPONDING OR GIVING YOU ANY SORT OF HOPE THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL MEND IS HIS WAY OF TRYING TO "WAKE YOU UP" TO THIS FACT?

Sorry if this sounds a little cold, but CRYING OVER ANYBODY for an indefinite period of time is FOOLISH! Would you like to know why?

You're the ONLY PERSON who can see the tears you're shedding! The outside world (including your EX) CAN'T!

Please stop putting yourself through the same process day-in and day-out. You've got better things to do with your life.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:08am

You don't have to feel bad about posting all the time, that's what the board is here for!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:51am

As someone who initiated a major breakup once, I can say that I did stay in touch with him because I thought it might help him through the transition. What happened was that it just kept hope alive and dragged his pain on a whole lot longer. The fact that your relationship ended takes nothing away from the love you once shared. It was real and you'll always have those memories. But sometimes people change, love changes, people grow apart, whatever. Yes, it may have seemed sudden and he may have gone back and forth toward the end trying to figure out what he wanted. Sometimes at the last minute you get scared that, even though you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship, you won't be able to make it on your own. Or maybe you'll regret your decision later... So he wanted to be sure, but then he realized he was sure. Will he change his mind? Does it really matter? What matters is that you start toward healing and the second you stop talking to him, the healing can begin. Otherwise, you have this wound that's trying to heal but you just keep opening it back up again with every attempt at communication, every obsessive thought.

I've been trying to get over someone for a while now and I can honestly tell you, I had lunch with him yesterday and my feelings for him have changed completely. I even saw him as UGLY. With him the end wasn't sudden so I had my pain a little at a time dragged out over 6 months rather than all at once, but I have really tried to refocus my mind and think about all his flaws and try not to glorify him as this bigger-than-life person. So I'm looking at him yesterday, just thinking about how pathetic he is, and today I realized I haven't thought about him nearly as much as I used to. He is fading from my mind, from my life. So, yes, time does heal.

Here's a quote for you: (Sorry, I love quotes!) "You gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up and he's not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line you realize you've made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occassionally. You manage to do this because you don't see them, you don't hear about them, you try not to think about them." -- "Straight Talking," Jane Green




Edited 3/2/2006 11:55 am ET by stephie5741
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:53am

I'm sorry to hear that, but as I posted to you yesterday, that was definitely a risk you took in contacting him. But you've done all you can...now you need to take whatever you have as "closure" (even if it's not what you'd like to have) and start moving on.

I don't think it's a matter of falling out of love "that fast" so much as the other person deciding they don't want to be in the relationship any more and acting accordingly. You can love someone but not want to be with them anymore.

Are you talking to a counselor to help you with your grieving process (sorry, I can't remember if you've said you are or not)? It really helps...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:49pm

stephie5741...

It's too bad that everybody who has experienced (or is currently going through) a divorce doesn't have a copy of that EXCELLENT JANE GREEN QUOTE!

PG liked it a lot.

I think the hardest thing for some divorced couples is to realize and accept the fact that when the final papers are processed...their marriage and their relationship ARE BOTH OVER?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:19pm

HI KA1964

EMAIL IS NOTHING MAYBE HE WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM...DONT YOU GET THE MESSAGE THERE?...GUYS ARE LIKE THAT THEY RATHER TALK TO YOU THAN SENDING MESSAGE...LIKE I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY ABOUT ME AND BF...I DIDNT SEND HIM ANY TEXT MESSAGES OR LEAVE HIM A VOICEMAIL COZ I WANT TO TALK TO HIM...AND FROM THERE YOU WILL SEE IF HE SOUND INTERESTED TO YOU...RIGHT?

ITS UP TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT...THIS TIME PLEASE JUST CALL HIM.BLOCK YOUR NUMBER. IF THE MACHINE PICKS UP DONT LEAVE ANY MESSAGE AT ALL. KEEP ON TRYING AND IF HE FINALLY ANSWER...TALK TO HIM NICELY, PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAPPEN, ASK HOWS EVERYTHING TO HIM AND IF HE SOUND BUSY. YOU HAVE TO GET OFF THE PHONE FIRST...TELL HIM "SORRY YOU LOOK SO BUSY"..."I JUST CALL TO SAY HELLO AND HOWS EVERYTHING TO YOU"...AND TELL HIM "I JUST CALL YOU NXT TIME".

AND REMEMBER DONT TELL HIM TO CALL YOU...OFCOURSE HE WONT CALL!!! WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS TO CALL HIM AFTER A WEEK....AFTER HIS BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR CALL...

REMEMBER ALSO BEFORE YOU CALL HIM BE READY AND PREPARED YOURSELF...DONT SOUND LIKE YOUR SAD...EVEN YOU ARE!!!

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU IN RELATIONSHIP...SOMETIMES NOT ONLY SOMETIMES....I MEAN ALL THE TIME ATLEAST ONE OF YOU NEED TO PUT THAT FLAG UP..IT MEANS ONE OF YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR SELF DOWN..IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER WHO DOES IT ALL THE TIME..I KNOW IT SOUND CRAZY...BUT THINK ABOUT IT!!!

PRIDE IS NOT VERY USEFUL IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP (FRIENDS, RELATIVES, BF, OR ETC..)

DO YOU KNOW THAT PRIDE IS A MORTAL SIN...

AS A FRIENDLY ADVISED HEAR WHAT YOUR HEART SAY NOT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU...DO WHATEVER IT TAKES...IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER IF YOU PUT YOUR SELF DOWN...EITHER WAY THERE'S CIRCUMSTANCES...ATLEAST YOU BE PROUD TO YOURSELF YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR LOVEONES AND YOU DID SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

WELL IS UP TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS...I'M JUST HELPING YOU AS MY FRIEND!!!

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:07pm

hey there,
First of all, I would like to say I have to disagree with jazz_meeh's posting...calling him will not help or solve anything at this point. If a guy wants to get in touch with you, he will find a way. Don't believe that this new tactic will make him suddenly see the light and profess his undying love for you.

I'm not trying to be a killjoy by saying that (is that the right term?), I'm speaking from recent experience. My ex was not returning my phone calls, text messages, emails... I knew he had another girl he was lying to me about and he just would not talk at one point. I even asked him for a simple goodbye and never got it. He just went away and it broke my heart.

So yes, sometimes they do this. It's not right, it's not fair, it's not a very mature way of handling things, but the other posters are right- the more contact you have, the more false hope that's there and it's so much harder to try and get out of the dark depressing sadness that can consume you.

You may never know his reasons for going away... I have just tried to accept that I did all I could in my situation and there's nothing more you can do. Start taking care of yourself and be selfish since he is too! And post away, girl, we're here for you ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:18pm

SHADOW0304

EVERYBODY HERE AT IVILLAGE HAVE/HAD DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE.....WHAT ABOUT I TELL YOU MY STORY....IF EVER I DIDNT LISTEN WHAT MY HEART SAYS.....AND LISTEN FOR WHAT PEOPLE SAY AROUND ME DO YOU THINK...I'LL GET BACK WITH MY BF..."FYI" ACTUALLY MY FIANCEE NOW...I DONT THINK SO!!! HE WAS TRYING TO TEST ME...IF I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM.....AND I PAST!!!

ACTUALLY WERE GETTING MARRIED THIS MONTH!!! SO NOT EVERYBODY HAVE SAME ISSUE....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:09pm
jazz_meeh, i hope you are happy, i really do, but someone who has to "test" the other person needs their head looked at, its all about trust.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 6:47pm
Congrats!!! on your engagement. However, I agree with the other posters. I don't think anyone putting themselves through all this un-necessary pain is worth it. Moving on, will be alot harder but worth it in the end for her own peace of mind. I also think if your fiance has to test you, that doesn't sound like a really loving relationship. It sounds more like a game. Not everyone sees life as a game, especially with matters of the heart. It works for you, but she needs to heal right now, not figure out if this is a test.

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