Didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Didn't even wish me a Happy Birthday
2
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:57pm


I work with my Ex. Friday was my birthday, he knew it was my birthday because on Thursday he asked me what I was doing. Friday came, I received flowers at work from his family and another friend. He came to speak to me many times during the day, but couldn't even wish me a happy birthday. On Saturday I was at a party a mutual friend threw and my EX was there. It wasn't a birthday party for me but my friends surprised me with a cake. Still he couldn't even say hello, happy birthday or even goodnight when he left.

I guess this is the first holiday or special event since we split. It really makes me sad that after 7 years he couldn't even make the effort to show a little kindness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:16pm
You know, honestly, I sometimes think any kind gesture from an ex can be misinterpreted. For instance, my ex found out I'm waiting for my latest Pap test results after having cervical cancer early this year (the reason we broke up was his total disinterest in my health crisis), and he calls and he's all concerned about me, trying to cheer me up, blah blah blah. My reaction was extremely mixed, and frankly I was more upset than "comforted" by his display of concern. What does it mean that he's "worried" about me? Does he still care/still love me? Why couldn't he have been this concerned and sympathetic when we were together and it would have meant something? Isn't this too little too late, how dare he patronize me by calling to be a big man and offer me comfort... You get the picture. Maybe yours is intentionally not making any gesture that could be misinterpreted, thinking the best birthday for you would be one that didn't cause you to think about him or remind you of the breakup and associated hurts. Honestly, I would have preferred that my ex not interject himself into my current "waiting for results" drama, it did not help, it just stirred up emotions.

On another note, I've discovered just how much relationships can be analogous to work. I recently resigned from my first law firm, to take a position that I think will offer me better opportunities for career development. While I (mostly) enjoyed my old job, it just felt stifling and I wasn't getting the opportunities I needed to develop as a lawyer (and I was getting bored out of my mind). Anyway, my mentor, the head of the litigation department, a man who had been kind of a "father figure" to me, fostered me in my career, had told me he was proud of me for my victories, he never said one word to me after I turned in my resignation. Not a "good luck in your new endeavors," not a "we've really enjoyed having you here," not one freakin word. During the 2 weeks I worked after giving notice, we'd ride the elevator together, and he'd stare at this point above my head without speaking to me. I was so hurt, I got home from work a couple of times and just cried. He knew I was itching for more responsibilities, and also knew that those opportunities just weren't available at that firm. Anyway, I don't know if he was angry, or just being petulant, but some people just can't put on a plastic smile and play nice by saying and doing the expected things. Would it have killed him to wish me luck, or at least acknowledge my three years with the firm? To get back to your ex, some people just get so self-absorbed in their own issues, they just can't go through the motions of doing what is socially expected and appropriate, so maybe yours just didn't get that it would be appropriate to wish you a happy birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:13pm
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you probably told yourself you wouldn't care if he called for your birthday or not...and then when he didn't it's upsetting to you. At the end of the day, though, I think his lack of communication on your birthday is just another one of those indications of why you shouldn't be together. You dated for 7 years, and I'm sure he knew that you would have preferred to hear from him on your special day. But, he couldn't come around to give you well wishes. So, whatever. His loss. I know it hurts and it sucks to think about how callous someone you once shared so much with can be towards you after you've broken up. But, take it with a grain of salt. He's telling you 1) He's either not ready to be friends or 2) He's a jerk who doesn't deserve to preoccupy your thoughts. Either way, it's not your problem. Count your blessings, including those thoughtful friends who thought enough to get you the birthday cake, and cling to everything and everyone in life who loves you.

I've been through 2 break-ups right before my birthday...and now I'm dealing with another. Previously, the 2 guys didn't even call (and I'd been dating one of them for 5 years). In hind sight, it was probably better because a call would have thrown me back to thinking they still loved me. My birthday is this Sunday...and this year, I'm determined to not let my recent ex's call or not call effect me.

Chin up, Virgo! We have a good horoscope for today:

"Here is your horoscope for Sunday, September 12: You know what they say about the calm before the storm? Well, you're about to enjoy the calm after the storm. It's not like you haven't earned it, either. Take a deep breath, kick back and relax. It's about time. "