Didn't know what else to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Didn't know what else to do
2
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 8:23pm

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I just broke up today and I could use some advice, encouragement... I don't know...

We have been dating since last October--a little over a year. The entire time we've been dating, he's been seperated. In North Carolina, you have to wait a year after seperating before filing for divorce. He is just now coming to the point where he's filing. Our whole relationship has been so hard, mostly because he's been trying to move on from his marriage while trying to build our relationship. For most of our relationship, it was absolutely wonderful. But lately we've had such a hard time. Lately there's been tension, arguments... we've tried taking "breaks" to get some space... I think probably most of our problems come from the fact that he's been going through the divorce. I hope it is at least because otherwise, we seem to fit together so perfectly. He's such a good guy and my parents finally like one of my boyfriends :).

The other day we were having one of our many talks about the status of our relationship and he was honest with me and told me he didn't know if or when he would want to get married again. He said there are days when he can see himself married to me and having kids and then there are days when it just scares him.

As of right now, we are broken up. We got to the point where we didn't know what else we could do to save our relationship. So, I broke up with him. Neither of us really wanted it and we were both crying but it was like we didn't know what else to do at this point.

So, that is my situation. It feels like things have always been 10 times harder for us than the other couples I know.

Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 11:11am

Please don't think I'm being mean trying to hurt you more than you already are. But what you might want to do is change your perspective. This is a possibility that you may want to ponder.

You two dated a little over a year. I'm going to guess that you started dating AFTER he seperated from his wife, but not very long after. Is it possible that he dated you because it was "safe" to? He was legally bound to his wife so he could have fun with you, he could still be getting sex and all the perks of a GF/wife, with out having to really worry about a true committment because it was not a possibility. But now, now that has changed. He no longer has the excuse of being seperated to keep you from wanting him to committ to you, so he's found a new excuse in being newly divorced and "afraid" of going down that road again. So, he starts to cause problems, arguments, etc until you've had enough and break up with him. Is that possible? Heartbreaking to think, but could he have been dating you, genuinely liking you, but ultimately in it for the fun stuff and sex that he's not getting from his wife? It just seems fishy that now that he is free to really be with you, he bails. It suggests to me that he was in the relationship for what he got out of it, never really having to give YOU anything real back, and now that he may be expected to GIVE he's gone. Even if you never ever asked for a committment from him, he's thinking you will eventually.

One last thought. "...we are broken up. We got to the point where we didn't know what else we could do to save our relationship"

You never save a relationship by leaving it. It's saved by sticking together through the rough times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 1:00pm

Angelica,

I am not the original poster, but I want to thank you for the great insight.

Looking back, my relationship started the exact same way as Emmie. It ended with him just dropping out of sight and not being *man* enough to give an explanation. I realized that it is a good reason not to pursue it if he has such a character flaw.

Your second paragraph was an eye opener as to another thing I don't want in a relationship. It is painful to realize that I ignored the obvious, but satisfying to know where to go from here.

Thank you again for your posting.

Mimiche