didn't see this coming...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
didn't see this coming...
10
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:55pm

My boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me, and sadly I can't say that I saw it coming. If so, maybe I wouldn't feel as miserable now. I finally thought I had met the right person for me...I thought that this relationship was going to be long term...and now that I realize it's not, I feel like such a fool. If a relationship with someone I believed to be meant for me (as did friends and family) didn't work, I am having a hard time believing I'll ever meet the right person. To make things worse, my ex has said that he wants to "keep me in his life". I don't understand how I can make the transition from being his partner to being just another friend. I'm angry at myself because even though I feel this is too difficult, I don't want to let things come to a complete end because I love him. Part of me hopes that he will change his mind, as his supposed reasons for the break up were due to stresses in his life. I wonder if he has the time to himself that he says he wants, will his perspective change? Will he realize he made a mistake? A nagging voice in my head says that it is unlikely. I made the mistake in my last serious relationship of playing the waiting game and prolonging my sadness when things never worked out as I had hoped. We are supposed to learn from experience and I'm angry at myself for not feeling strong enough to let things go. I am angry at him for making me so happy and ending things so abruptly. I know I sound like such a victim, and I wish I could take on a more positive attitude but right now that feels impossible. I worry that I'll end up alone forever. And I miss him...

Any advice would be appreciated.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:33pm
HI there. I am so sorry about what happened and all I can really say is that I understand what u mean. I got dumped 2 weeks ago and I thought all was well. My guy broke up w/ me on the phone...nice, huh?
I feel awful too and like you, wonder if I'll ever find the right one..wonder if he misses me at all...if he realized what he did.
Its just awful. I wake up every morning at 3am and think of him ...
he has even contacted me several times via IM just making small talk
and I like to hear from him but why is he contacting me?? I dont know if I can be his friend now. how do you go from being a lover/signif. other to being just a friend? I am close to emailing him asking him why he's contacting me and telling him I just cant be a friend only. Its too hard. Everytime I hear from him..it brings back the pain..and its 10 times worse each time. I've just been answering his questions...short and sweet...but I dont know how much longer I can do that. Yesterday when he IMd me...it was almost like he "forgot" we broke up. Joking around like he always did....telling me what he's been doing...it all gives me false hope I think. I went to counseling today because I have had such a hard time of this. ITs just not right!! I"m tired of always being the one who gets hurt and I'm afraid I will turn into a mean and uncaring person. you can only put yourself out there so many times before u just completely give up. I feel your pain and that wont help you but please know you are not alone, okay?
this board has been very helpful. I feel like crying off and on all the time and you know what..he doesnt deserve my tears. hang in there!
did he say why he broke things off? Mine said he didnt think he could give me what I needed...and u know what..how the hell does he know. He never asked me what I needed. And if he cant give me what I need then why the hell does he keep contacting me???? to torture me? Sometimes I hate my life..I really do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 7:41pm
How you're feeling right now is normal even if you had tried harder to not get hurt. Loving someone & being loved is a great magic between two people & when the relationshop fails you feel a little lost. Take all that love you gave to him & the relationship and now turn it on to yourself. And don't ask yourself a bunch of what if's or wonder even why. Sometimes there is no answer, but getting through this will only mae you stronger for the right guy you'll eventually meet. Hang in there...it will get better & it is always good to have a 60 day rule of any communication with him at all. No taking his calls either! This give him time to most likely be thinking about you & he especially will if he doesn't get to talk to you for 2 months. And in the meantime you'll be loving yourself and being happy & after the 60 days if & when you do talk you'll probably be over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:57am

Hi Green,

Sorry you're going thru this. Without knowing the details, it's hard to comment on specifics. But these sudden endings when things seem to be going well may be part of a bigger set of behaviours coined "Commitmentphobia'. While not a psychological term, the whole scenario has been well-documented in He's Scared She's Scared, a book by author Steven A. Carter you can order online. Someone here suggested I read it a few years back and it opened my eyes completely to patterns in my life and choices that I'd never realized. Now after working on my issues I'm extremely wary of people's conflicting behaviours and the "red flags" or signs. Have a look thru and vent here. One thing you must do immediately is sever all contact with him, that means NO CONTACT---no friendship no emails nothing. That's so YOU can begin the healing. Contact only builds false hopes and drags out the healing. What you need to do is be unavailable and less giving. People with conflict issues disappear because they typically know they can have you back anytime. Protect yourself and become informed, it will help you heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:37am
Well- you will not end up alone forever. Obviously, you have dateable features to have captured this guy, so you will be able to capture another one, if you choose to. I know it's extremly hard to accept the fact that it just ended out of nowhere (i have been going through a similar situation.) but the only thing I keep telling myself is that the only people that I need in my life, are the people that need me in theirs. My ex (after 5 years) decided that he didnt want me. I was and still am completely blind-sided with the whole situation. However, being friends with him would make this process even harder. I don't believe that you can just be friends with someone you love. Guys sometimes suggest the "friend" factor after a break-up in a way to keep you around in case the grass really isn't greener on the other side. Most times, it isn't and they will come crawling back. You have to decide if you want to be with this guy who isn't sure if he wants to be with you. The ball is completely in your court! good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 8:16am

Hi

You sound just like me...mine happened a week ago, after a happy year he ended it abuptly on IM. Like me you are probs still in shock about the whole thing, how things seem great one minute and fall apart the next.

We can keep asking questions but the end of the day i dont think we'll ever understand how some mens minds work. The best way to initialy deal with it is to keep your strengh up as a shock like this can effect your health (cant eat or sleep?) You need to take each day at a time and accept that some days will be better than others. Its really hard- i wish i cud take my own advice!

I wish u the best of luck and hopefully we can all work through it all together!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:00am

thank you for your response...i've never posted anything on a msg board before and wasn't sure how much it would help but i've been amazed at how much better i feel knowing that other people understand what i am dealing with right now.

the first few days after we broke up i was a complete disaster. i was so down on myself and just felt like utter crap. more recently i've found myself alternating between being sad and really angry. the three past relationships my ex was in were with women who treated him horribly and ended up leaving him for other men. it infuriates me that he LEFT ME, someone who loved him and treated him so well. my friends tell me that judging by his past relationships it seems as though he is drawn to women who treat him badly and explains a lot about why we didn't work out. while that explanation makes some sense i still can't understand this whole thing and i don't know that it's the reason why. i'll probably never know and i wish i'd stop agonizing about WHY.

what makes things worse is he wants to be friends. we've spoken a few times on the phone, text msgs, and IM. i've made it a point not to initiate conversation with him but i have returned his phone calls, etc. everyones advice to me has been to cut him out of my life and move on. while i'm not pursuing contact with him i'm still not at the point where i can just ignore him. he mentioned that we should get dinner one night, and i even agreed to that possibility. i know it's a bad idea. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. this was a man i could have spent the rest of my life with. i know i can't maintain a strictly platonic relationship with him. yet i agree to meeting him for dinner? and trying to work on a friendship? i don't feel like he could even work on our relationship, why am i willing to attempt something so difficult? i know the answer to my own question and it's because i hope he changes his mind. i hear stories about couples who have broken up for a period of time only to get back together and live happily ever after. this is what i'd like to happen, as difficult as it is for me to admit. it's hard for me to write him off because i was so happy with him and felt like we were so compatible. if our relationship was more tumultuous maybe i'd be able to convince myself he's not worth it. i feel like i'm being so delusional about the whole situation...any advice???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:11pm

Hi again

I know what you are going through. Me and my ex are only in our early 20's so although we never really thought about a serious commitment i was sure we would be together for a long time.
It hurts ten times worse when u were with someone you loved being with and who treated you well, knowing they no longer feel the same.
I broke up 11 days ago and im still finding things really tough. Its like everyday everything that happened, all the pain and hurt just washes over me again and i still cant believe its really real.
I said at the time id like to stay in contact but in all honesty im not sure if i can.

Its up to you ultimatly what you feel comfortable doing, but i imagine it would be very difficult to see your ex so soon when u still have feelings for him. Sometimes people do get back together. My break up was sudden and i dont think my ex really thought things through. Im having to force no contact at mo but im torn between wanting him back and trying to accept things. My advice is to stay clear for a while and give him a chance to miss you. Thats my plan also. Plus if things dont turn out as you like, you just no it wasnt meant to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:56pm
I can relate to you waking up at 3 am. My husband told me he wants a separation about 3 weeks ago and I haven't been able eat, sleep or concentrate on anything. I've had to go into counselling and am now on anti-deppressants. He said he can't get want he wants in our relationship.. I kinda wish he had told me that BEFORE we bought our first house. So now it's going to be me and my baby girl .. looking for a place to call home because I can't afford the house payments on my own.... I also beleived he was the one .. we've been together for 11yrs...... I really don't beleive in "the One"anymore, or marriage for that fact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:56pm
Hey Lorihannah,
I am SO sorry to hearr what you are going thru. I know its awful. I am with you on not believe in "the one" or "marriage" anymore either. going thru stuff like this is just too much...and men just seem to go from one woman to another not care. Sometimes I wish I could be like that...just move on and not give a damn.
I'm on antidepressants too....still dont sleep thru the night and its been 5 weeks as of today that he broke up with me on the phone. And we were only going out 6 months..so I dont know why I am having such a hard time. I cant imagine 11 years.
I was married to my first husband 8 years and have 2 daughters...they helped me to focus and are helping me now..
Just try to be w/ your baby as much as possible...
I know things will get better but it is very tough!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:50am
I really hope times get better... for both of us!!!!!! The really hard part about ALL of this is I waited until we were married (because I stupidly beleived he wanted to be here) to have a child with him. 11yrs and now he doesn't want any part of me because we are too different.... I swear they are all the same. The antideppressants seem to be helping my emotions but I too still have horrible sleeps. I woke up at 4:00am this morning...... 2:45am the morning before and I have to work which no sleep makes it so hard to concentrate. My daughter is my happiness right now... I look at her and know I have to get strong for her......... but sometimes it's just so hard!!!!!!!BECAUSE I still love him so deeply.......