didn't see it coming

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
didn't see it coming
8
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:30am

I'm sure alot of people have experienced this, but I'm kinda new to this. I'll explain more later on. I thought about talking to my friends about what happened, but sometimes talking to friends can just make things more confusing. Everyone has there own opinion and they want to tell me what to do and how to handle the situation. I don't want to get mad or bitter, I just want to get a handle on what happened.

Here's the run down. I've been dating a slightly younger guy, he's 21, for almost 2 months now. I'm 28 by the way. I know that the age difference sends up red flags immediately, but bare with me, please. He's not a typical 21 year old, or at least I thought. Most of his friends are my age, married and with families. He's not a big party guy so that's what I mean by typical.

Anyway, we've had so much fun together lately. We really have alot in common. We have similar senses of humor, likes and dislikes in movies and music, family backgrounds, etc. Basically, it seemed like we clicked on alot of levels and even our friends noticed the differences in us. Both his friends and my friends noticed how happy we seemed together. They even went so far as to say that they had never seen us act so comfortable in a relationship.

However, both of us had been in bad relationships previously, and we both kinda "on guard". We both had alot of insecurities, but the positive side to it is that neither one of added to the others insecurities. These issues were basically baggage we brought in from the previous relationships.

Well, to make a long story short. We broke up Sunday. We had what I thought was a good weekend, but we managed to have two disagreements...not even a real fight...there was no yelling or anything...and he broke up with me. He said that he cannot be in a relationship where there is any conflict at all. He said that if it's starting now it will only get worse. I don't know what I think about that. I mean isn't it normal for people to disagree?

We've talked everyday since Sunday and he has told me that he loves me and that he still wants to keep in touch with me he just doesn't want a relationship. He said that he is not ready for that...even though he is the one who pushed hardest for it! He even went so far as to suggest being friends with benefits and seemed sincerely confused as to why I wouldn't want to do that. He wants to still keep in touch and see one another and if we feel like it mess around...he just doesn't want any obligations. What is up with this?
How can people take things so casually? I don't understand and it the suggestion really hurt my feelings.

I told him that I needed some space for awhile to transition into this new friendship stage and I refused to agree to become friends with benefits. Does anyone have any insight into this?

I thought he was the kinda guy girls dream about...he was sensitive and funny...caring and honest...he showed so much interest in me and affection in public and private...and we could talk for hours. I don't understand how I could have missed this self-centered side to him. Do you think it's immaturity, self-centeredness or a geniune fear of getting hurt? He says he doesn't want to anyone and that he sees himself being single forever.

Although, he still wants to keep in touch with me, I think it's best to put some space in between us for awhile...if you can't tell I didn't want the breakup...however after his suggestion I'm so hurt that I'm almost glad to not be with someone that thinks that way.

Thanks for any feedback!!

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:59am

I'm glad you didn't take him up on his friends with benefits offer. He wants to have his cake and eat it too -- to have all the luxuries of being single and not risking being hurt with the benefits of getting sex when he wants it. He wants the benefits of being in a relationship with you without the risks and downfalls. Classic commitment-phobia. No matter what you said or did, this wouldn't have worked. It would have gotten him eventually. He's afraid, so the second things start getting too relationship-y on him, he bolts. And I agree, NC is the best option. If you're going to be friends, it needs to be further down the road, after you've healed. But do you really need him as a friend?

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 2:33pm

Well it sounds to me that you are looking for a connection and he is looking for an excuse not to be attached to you.

Don't take that the wrong way. You have moved on from your past bad relationship and are ready to be loved again, which is evident by jumping in so quickly with this guy, but unfortunately your guy has not. Two months into the relationship is early to be fighting, but communication is key in any relationship and if he can't handle you expressing your opinions now, he is right it is only going to get worse down the line.

I give you a round of applause for telling him you need time, but you really need to stop taking his phone calls. I know it is hard, but in the end you are worth the pain you are going through right now. By him suggesting he still wants to be friends with benefits he is basically saying that he has no respect for your feelings, but would like to continue to use your body.

I know it sucks hearing crap like this and I myself am still taking my recent break up hard, but I know in the end I respect myself enough not to let him come in and out of my life whenever he pleases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:17pm

Thanks for your response. I agree with you...it really didn't matter what happened between us. It probably would have ended up this way. I guess it just hurts because I didn't see this coming. He was so 'into' me at first, and I was the one wanting to take things slow. Oh well, life does go on. I'm glad that I posted on this website because talking to my friends would have just resulted in a big gripfest, and to be honest I care alot about him and don't want to turn bitter about the whole deal. This is how he feels and I have to deal with that. It doesn't take away from the fact that we had a great time together. I'm so used to relationhsips ending in a big blow up and for once it would be nice to be able to walk away from one without feeling totally horrible. I never want to talk to my previous boyfriend again because things got so bad before we finally ended it. At least with this one maybe those kind of feelings won't be there. We'll see...only time will tell, right? I guess after a few weeks of no contact we will know where we actually stand with one another. I can't avoid him all together because we have mutual friends, but I can stay out of his path for awhile anyway. It's just so weird...the whole thing. All of our close friends are almost as blown away by this as I am because none of us has seen this side to his personality.

Anyway, thanks again!! It means alot to know people are reading this. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:23pm
Thanks for your response...I agree with you. I do have to stop taking his phone calls. It's just this whole thing is still so new and it was only last night that he brought up the bene-friends thing. Is that just a guy thing or what? He really seemed surprised that I wouldn't go for that. I told him that it is too hard for me to seperate my emotions like that and that I couldn't stand the idea of him being with me one night and someone else another. He said that it wouldn't be like that. If he's with me he wouldn't be with anyone else. ??? What? Isn't that a relationship? Hellooo, this boy makes no sense. He basically said that he wants everything to be pretty much the same just with no obligation. How lame is that? Obviously, he thinks I'm stupid or he has very little respect for me. It's just so weird because this is a side to his personality that I have never seen. Even our mutual friends have never seen this side. He went from sweet and caring to...whatever this is. And the change was pretty much over night. Could we be dealing with a split personality here? lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:32pm

Yeah, coming on strong is one of the trademarks of the commitment-phobe. There's really nothing you can do to make them change. There should be comfort in knowing it really ISN'T you, it's him! You might try buying the book, "Men Who Can't Love," if only to know how to spot them in the future. Believe me, I'm recovering from a commitment-phobe myself, so I know how it feels, but be assured that it's not anything you did. You might want to read this:

http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:19am

Yeah it really is a guy thing, the whole friends with benefits thing. Because most men can turn off their emotions when it comes to sex, I am not saying all, but most.

My mom actually gave me the best advice, I was so devastated over my break up that someone was coming to my house and dragging me out of it every night to get some food in my stomach, but she told me that she thought there was something off about him the first time she met my ex, but that we choose not to see the things that may be obvious to someone else. Your friends are his friends to so maybe they are as aloof to his emotional retardation as you were, but in the end we choose to see the good in the people we love (including friends) and overlook the bad.

The love we all deserve is out there, it is just a matter of not holding on to the bad love to be available for the good love (I know how cliche do I sound).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:30pm

thanks for your response...I don't think you sound cliche at all. One of the things that I keep telling myself is to be glad that this happened sooner than later. It didn't work-oh well. All relationships are 50/50 anyway. So now I'm free to look for something better. I think he and I will be friends, eventually. We won't be able to hang out or anything anytime soon. Right now it's kinda hard because I have people telling me that it's alright to call him. I disagree, and I'm going to follow my heart. I just don't see how contact with him right now will help-at all. What do you think?

Besides it's been my experience that most guys like this end up contacting the girls they broke up with anyway. It's like once they figure out that we can live without them they all of a sudden want us again. I don't know...I'm not holding my breath on that one...but I've seen it happen.

I'm going out with friends tonight and we are going to have a great time. I'm really excited...so what if he broke up with me? I'm not going to let it break me. Life's too short. No matter that I haven't felt that good with a guy in a loooong time...it's still not worth getting too booty hurt over. I was honest with my feelings and he didn't want me. No since in banging my head against a wall. Break ups hurt but it'll get better. but I will not lose my self-respect over it.

take care!! by the way-I think your mom is right

=)

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 1:40pm

Men do seem to be way more capable of separating love and sex, and want to continue with the sex when the love is gone. My ex made that suggestion, too, and seemed genuinely disappointed that I did not go for it. He even wanted to just have lunch dates with me immediately after our break-up of six years! I said, "You just want to eat lunch? Why? For what purpose?"

I am afraid that your boyfriend is trying to assure you that he won't be with another woman and you probably IN THE SAME DAY. I know, that hurts. And don't fall for it. Guys think that is courteous. I once dated a guy who had a live-in (I know that was wrong) but my point is he would assure me he wouldn't go straight home and have sex with her after being with me. Sex etiquette, I guess! He thought that would make me feel better, ha!

Guys just seem to think when they break up that, hey, they liked you and the sex was good, so why throw all that away just because the love is gone? It's a guy thing. It will only end up hurting you. Don't do it.