In "different places" in our lives

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
In "different places" in our lives
13
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:40pm
My boyfriend and I just broke up rather abruptly this evening. We have had disucsions in the past about marriage and he had said that he was ambivalent about marriage. We both chose to wait out the ambivalence to see if it changed. Tonight, I asked him about it again. He said he was still ambivalent towards marriage and didn't know if he would ever feel otherwise. I unfortunately do not share the same feelings. I saw no point in continuing from there so we have broken up. I'm still in a state of shock now wondering if I jumped too quickly. This makes me extremely sad, but I don't know what else to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:12pm

IMHO, I think that you did the right thing. His ambivalence about marriage and his statement of "ever feeling otherwise" is something that you have to think about carefully. It's his issue, but it affects you becuse you're ready and he's not and he doesn't even know if he will be in the future. If you and your EX don't share the same or similar views and standards in life, how can the relationship grow and move forward? It cannot unless one of the parties is willing to change his/her mind.

If at one point in his life he changes his mind he can call you and that point in your life you can decide if you still want him back in your life. I wouldn't wait more, as you could be missing out on a man who isn't ambivalent about marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:27pm
I'm so sorry, I know this is a really hard time for you. If you felt like marriage is what you wanted and he was saying that he may never want that, then I can understand why you ended it. I think it was really brave and strong of you. A lot of people will just stay in a situation that is going nowhere because they are afraid of being alone, they think things may change "one day", etc.. That just wastes a lot of your time. It's going to hurt for a while, but I think that you will eventually see that in the long run, you did yourself a huge favor. At least now you are free to meet someone who will want to marry you, no question. In the end, if he lets you just walk out of his life like that and he doesn't come after you, then he's not worth it. I went through the same thing 6 months ago. I was in a 5-year relationship and wanted to get married (of course!), but unfortunately my boyfriend did not share the same enthusiasm. I believe his take on it was that sure, "someday" we would get married. I realized *eventually* that he was full of crap and was never going to marry me, so I ended it. Believe me, it was the hardest thing I ever did. It's been a long healing process, but deep inside I know it's for the best. And by the way, he did NOT come running after me, so that tells me all I need to know. But you know when I'm really going to know I did the greatest thing for myself....when I am married to someone who loves me and I love them. So hang in there, it's tough, but you're past the hardest part, walking away. In time you will be in a better place, I promise. Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:47am
Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement. This is very tough and sometimes it is hard to keep your wits about you. You have a very good point about him not coming running after me that I will keep in mind each time I feel that I miss him so much that I want to call him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 5:31pm
Let's see if I can offer words of encouragement. Now you know where you both stand. You will find someone who shares your values. At least you didn't make the mistake of getting married and finding out later what you both differ on. There are men out there who will "get" where you're coming from. Time will lead you to someone like this. In the meantime, you are finding out what you want in life and you know what will make you happy. Some people don't know what they want and try to find happiness in someone who can't provide it. You sound like a very mature person who will succeed in finding happiness because you know what it takes to get it. Communication is very important in a relationship. Nurturing your own needs first, will make you a stronger person. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 5:51pm
Thank you. This has been very hard on me. My Ex and I do share many of the same values which makes it even harder. He has so many of the characteristics that are important to me for a spouse. We dated for 10 months. It seems that everything around my house reminds me of him. I'm fighting every urge to call him right now and figure out if we can find a middle ground. I'm also hoping that he will realize what he has lost and do some hard thinking about his ambivalence towards marriage. We share several mutual friends which makes this very tough. I'm thinking of calling one of them to get her feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 6:04pm
Didn't expect a quick response. Go see the girlfriend to talk and listen. You need to have some kind of back up support. Don't call yet because the "time away" will give both of you the clarity you need to think it through. If he really wants you, let him contact you. In fact, get all the girls together and do something. Go see a movie, listen to music, host an impromptu "mock-cocktail" party (for the non-drinkers), sleep over at one of the girl's house and make/have brunch in the morning. I've done that and it worked for me. Let me know how this goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 11:29am

If you only dated for 10 months, then maybe it would have been hard for him to know for sure you were the one he wanted to be with, and wouldn't be able to say "yes I want to get married." However, I truly think when a guy has enough doubts that he says he isn't into the idea of marriage yet and isn't sure he'll ever change, its probably a sign that he didn't feel strongly enough about you to start getting those "I want to get married" feelings. I've heard countless stories about this from friends, male and female alike, where a guy had proclaimed he was nowhere near ready to get married and thought maybe he never would, and then just met someone who knocked his socks off and he couldn't wait to marry her.

You deserve to find someone who feels that way about you! I came out of something recently where my boyfriend said he could see himself marrying me eventually, but also didn't see himself getting married for several more years. I wasn't willing to stick around to find out if it would eventually happen! However we had been dating for almost 2 years and we are in our later 20's so its not like we're kids, and he was still feeling that way, so to me that just was a very bad sign for how he really felt.

Overall, I don't think you made the wrong decision, even if it had only been 10 months. If he had said simply "I'm not ready, we need to date longer for me to be sure, but I could picture it happening" that would have been completely different! If he has so many doubts though, and didn't realy see marriage as something he wanted to do, you can do better!

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:50pm

HI I am sorry to hear about this.. To me it seems like you guys came to a rash decision. first how old are You both?
2nd what is his ambivalence about? maybe it's not about YOU but the fact of Marriage itself w/ the divorce rate so high.. did you take this personal and not really dig a bit deeper and make a safe haven for both of you to discuss this deeper and openly..

the reason i ask is not that i don't believe that you should have your hopes and dreams met someday but it seemed a bit premature. often times we may not be on the same page /w our lovers we a bit ahead or them a bit ahead and that's ok.. but if we are way ahead and have invested a lot of time then it does come time to reevaluate things

but depending on your ages , i am not sure if you were ready to take the next step
the fact that you axed the r'ship based on a comment that he's ambivalent shows that you were somewhat pressuring him to give you some kind of yes answer let's get married now and rather than working on the r'ship (it's only been 10 mths) and being committed to loving eachother and to the r'ship. it seems you just ran based a conversaton taht you had and then readdressed it right away w/ out letting time pass and then discussing it again

i know it's hard. patience is hard for us.. men like to take time to process and think things through, women want a plan and answers right away..

do you honestly feel he wasn't INTO YOU. or just the fear of marriage itself and possibly the fact he felt pressured, or that first and foremost your r'ship should be strong..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 4:29pm

Thanks for the feedback. I would like to think it was a rash decision, but I didn't feel that it was at the time. I am 38, he is 37. We had had the conversation about his ambivalence a few months ago and he acknowledged that I would eventually reach a point where I would want to progress. We are both old enough and have been in enough relationships to know what we want. He knows that I want to get married and have kids. Time is running short for me. I don't want to wait around for him to make up his mind - which he may never. I don't think it is his feelings toward me. I think he is afraid to get married.

Anyway, having said that, it has been a week and it is still torture for me. I haven't talked to him. I may call him this weekend to see how he is doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 5:25pm

yes i see your situation.. same age as me
so i understand the whole know what i want, and time and all that going against you..

have you both ever been married? was this tabled in the beginning of your rship about what goals you both wanted.

i mean 10 mths is a good enough time to know that you are moving forward.. did you feel that way or did you feel the r'ship wasn't moving forward at steady progress that's why this was tabled now

i ask because the man I am in love w/ and I hve always told eachother we want to spend the rest of our lives together.. he isn't ready to get engaged yet tho.. but he has always been a little bit of the turtle in our r'ship.. i think we both fell in love around the same time, etc, but w/ the marriage issue i am ready now to get engaged and i thought he was but I am not really sure how long he wanted to wait until engagement.

honestly maybe you need to look at the r'ship and see if there was anything you missed or felt like maybe he isn't the "one" for you or vice versa??

I know this hurts.. if its' meant to be he will fight for you and work through this if not YOu will find someone that will fight for you.

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