In "different places" in our lives
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In "different places" in our lives
| Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:40pm |
My boyfriend and I just broke up rather abruptly this evening. We have had disucsions in the past about marriage and he had said that he was ambivalent about marriage. We both chose to wait out the ambivalence to see if it changed. Tonight, I asked him about it again. He said he was still ambivalent towards marriage and didn't know if he would ever feel otherwise. I unfortunately do not share the same feelings. I saw no point in continuing from there so we have broken up. I'm still in a state of shock now wondering if I jumped too quickly. This makes me extremely sad, but I don't know what else to do.

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IMHO, I think that you did the right thing. His ambivalence about marriage and his statement of "ever feeling otherwise" is something that you have to think about carefully. It's his issue, but it affects you becuse you're ready and he's not and he doesn't even know if he will be in the future. If you and your EX don't share the same or similar views and standards in life, how can the relationship grow and move forward? It cannot unless one of the parties is willing to change his/her mind.
If at one point in his life he changes his mind he can call you and that point in your life you can decide if you still want him back in your life. I wouldn't wait more, as you could be missing out on a man who isn't ambivalent about marriage.
If you only dated for 10 months, then maybe it would have been hard for him to know for sure you were the one he wanted to be with, and wouldn't be able to say "yes I want to get married." However, I truly think when a guy has enough doubts that he says he isn't into the idea of marriage yet and isn't sure he'll ever change, its probably a sign that he didn't feel strongly enough about you to start getting those "I want to get married" feelings. I've heard countless stories about this from friends, male and female alike, where a guy had proclaimed he was nowhere near ready to get married and thought maybe he never would, and then just met someone who knocked his socks off and he couldn't wait to marry her.
You deserve to find someone who feels that way about you! I came out of something recently where my boyfriend said he could see himself marrying me eventually, but also didn't see himself getting married for several more years. I wasn't willing to stick around to find out if it would eventually happen! However we had been dating for almost 2 years and we are in our later 20's so its not like we're kids, and he was still feeling that way, so to me that just was a very bad sign for how he really felt.
Overall, I don't think you made the wrong decision, even if it had only been 10 months. If he had said simply "I'm not ready, we need to date longer for me to be sure, but I could picture it happening" that would have been completely different! If he has so many doubts though, and didn't realy see marriage as something he wanted to do, you can do better!
Best of luck!
HI I am sorry to hear about this.. To me it seems like you guys came to a rash decision. first how old are You both?
2nd what is his ambivalence about? maybe it's not about YOU but the fact of Marriage itself w/ the divorce rate so high.. did you take this personal and not really dig a bit deeper and make a safe haven for both of you to discuss this deeper and openly..
the reason i ask is not that i don't believe that you should have your hopes and dreams met someday but it seemed a bit premature. often times we may not be on the same page /w our lovers we a bit ahead or them a bit ahead and that's ok.. but if we are way ahead and have invested a lot of time then it does come time to reevaluate things
but depending on your ages , i am not sure if you were ready to take the next step
the fact that you axed the r'ship based on a comment that he's ambivalent shows that you were somewhat pressuring him to give you some kind of yes answer let's get married now and rather than working on the r'ship (it's only been 10 mths) and being committed to loving eachother and to the r'ship. it seems you just ran based a conversaton taht you had and then readdressed it right away w/ out letting time pass and then discussing it again
i know it's hard. patience is hard for us.. men like to take time to process and think things through, women want a plan and answers right away..
do you honestly feel he wasn't INTO YOU. or just the fear of marriage itself and possibly the fact he felt pressured, or that first and foremost your r'ship should be strong..
Thanks for the feedback. I would like to think it was a rash decision, but I didn't feel that it was at the time. I am 38, he is 37. We had had the conversation about his ambivalence a few months ago and he acknowledged that I would eventually reach a point where I would want to progress. We are both old enough and have been in enough relationships to know what we want. He knows that I want to get married and have kids. Time is running short for me. I don't want to wait around for him to make up his mind - which he may never. I don't think it is his feelings toward me. I think he is afraid to get married.
Anyway, having said that, it has been a week and it is still torture for me. I haven't talked to him. I may call him this weekend to see how he is doing.
yes i see your situation.. same age as me
so i understand the whole know what i want, and time and all that going against you..
have you both ever been married? was this tabled in the beginning of your rship about what goals you both wanted.
i mean 10 mths is a good enough time to know that you are moving forward.. did you feel that way or did you feel the r'ship wasn't moving forward at steady progress that's why this was tabled now
i ask because the man I am in love w/ and I hve always told eachother we want to spend the rest of our lives together.. he isn't ready to get engaged yet tho.. but he has always been a little bit of the turtle in our r'ship.. i think we both fell in love around the same time, etc, but w/ the marriage issue i am ready now to get engaged and i thought he was but I am not really sure how long he wanted to wait until engagement.
honestly maybe you need to look at the r'ship and see if there was anything you missed or felt like maybe he isn't the "one" for you or vice versa??
I know this hurts.. if its' meant to be he will fight for you and work through this if not YOu will find someone that will fight for you.
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