Different problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Different problem
3
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 4:14pm

I just started reading this board and it has been helpful but my problem is a little different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 6:40pm

You did say any input, right? Here's mine. I don't know whether this will help or not, but I don't get the feeling this is actually over.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I believe you might have been better off not forcing the issue of commitment just yet. Why commitment? Why now? Could he not have gone and tried it out, seen if it was a long-term possibility? I mean he does have other "commitments" already, namely his ailing grandfather. I can only go by what you've posted, so if there are other extenuating circumstances, I have no idea what they are, my reply is based solely on what you've said.

Forgive me for saying so, but I believe you may have jumped the gun. Don't backtrack now, though, these things happen this way for a reason. Just see what he does and keep an open mind about it. It seems you were able to see things only from your perspective on this, try seeing it from his point of view.

For what it's worth, I think any person who is thoughtful about how they conduct their lives and their personal business would be up in the air and wouldn't be able to make a decision like uprooting their life that quickly.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 7:33pm

By commitment I didnt necessarily mean marriage more one of his commitments like his grandfather.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 3:19pm

Men always initially hear "commitment" as marriage. It takes quite a bit of explanation to make them see it otherwise, and the reason for that is because most women do mean it as "marriage or leading to it."

Today, I had yet another reason slam in my face as to why I will probably never marry again (out of choice) but try convincing a dateable man my age that I don't want it, it takes a lot of 'splaining and they still pretty much don't believe me. ;-) I'm not opposed to shacking up as a form of commitment, but I don't believe in it as a step towards marriage, I think it hurts more than helps in that case.

Anyway, I got sidetracked...

How long was this relationship? If I could help you with one thing, it would be to learn to let go of outcomes. Things don't have to go exactly the way you want in order for you to be happy, do they? Because from your post, and the language you use, it seems like it and that's a ton of pressure. I can feel it and you're not even asking me to live with you ;-)

What I'm saying is you don't have to break up. Break up if you want to, but I don't necessarily see it as the natural outcome of this. Working it out will entail you changing your thinking process about certain things, though, and not necessarily having to have things go just the way you want.

Good luck,

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