A Difficult Day

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
A Difficult Day
12
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 10:38pm

One year ago today my ex first kissed me. I'll never forget that night. I thought today might be difficult and it has been. I was sad today even though I had been doing well. I cried quite a bit. I left work early because I wasn't feeling well. I got home and wanted to have dinner with someone but no one was around. I couldn't decide where to go. Then I decided against eating out because I just felt like crying and I could see sitting in a restaurant crying. No place felt right. I felt so lost and lonely.

I nearly called him. Several times I thought of calling him. I wanted to ask him to come over and have dinner with me. I wanted to see him again. I miss him so much. I feel so lonely without him. I talked myself out of it.

Then I turned on the television and started watching this heartbreaking documentary about children with cancer. It helped me put things in perspective. I don't mean to diminish my pain or your pain or our losses because they're true and they hurt ... but this documentary made me realize how much worse off other people are, young people, kids who are dying of cancer. THAT is suffering. It's heartbreaking. If anyone would like to watch it (it's on public television). See this link for more info:

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/lioninthehouse/index.htm

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I guess all we can do is hope.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:05pm
Hi iam-
Sorry to hear about this. I really do hope tomorrow will be better for you. One day at a time and thanks for the PBS link.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:57am

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard day...I hope tomorrow is better. And I'm glad you found something to take you "out of yourself" so to speak.

Good for you for not calling though. If it helps, think of the fact that by not calling him today, you are making the day that you'll be free from this pain that much closer to reality.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:03am

I am so sorry you had such a hard time today. I know exactly what you mean though, I feel like I have the next several months to look forward to of remembering those types of things and wondering how I will make it through the emotions that go along with those wonderful memories. I also know what you mean about putting things in perspective watching that documentary. It is perfectly natural for us to feel everything we are feeling...which can be one of the worst feelings we ever experience. I am very aware though, that this is hardly the worst thing I could be going through. I have been very fortunate in my life thus far! So anyway...this is just a message to let you know you aren't alone, and I know you will get through this!!! Just come here and let us know when you feel like you can't!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:29am
Good morning IAD....I hope you're feeling better. Thank you for the info that you posted about therapy. Without going into the whole sordid story, it turns out that my ex had a lot more going on than I realized, and in light of this new information, I have made the decision that he is not worth the effort. I have to give you credit because I know I couldn't have stayed away from him, even though he could never be what I need, if things hadn't happened to "make" me stay away from him. Ok - long story short - he cheated on me 2 months ago, and I tried to forgive and give him another chance, only to find out it never ended, and there was vastly more to the story than I could have ever imagined. In spite of the cheating though, prior to that he was emotionally unavailable and has several other issues, but I did fall madly in love with him. I know without knowing the whole story, it can sound like 2 immature teenagers playing around, but I'm 39 and he's 41 - both seemingly stable, professional, successful people. You're an inspiration to everyone that will not sacrifice themselves for a relationship that doesn't fulfill them. I think I used to be that way, but I don't know what happened to me. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Stay strong girl - with your strength, I know you'll find what you're looking for yet!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:28pm

Have you thought of doing volunteer work with children? It is a good way to channel the emotions of something else into something productive and you will be bettering the world for it. You seem like a very compassionate person, maybe directing that love into volunteering would be something you would enjoy?

Of course there are bigger things in the world than our problems and sometimes it does help to think that way but it doesn't lessen the fact that it is still YOUR pain. Don't feel guilty about feeling pain because of your break-up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 2:02pm

Sorry to hear that. Good job on not calling. I have read many of your postings and based on the mature and practical advice you give, it's sometimes easy to forget that you (like everyone else on these boards) are recovering from heartbreak. Might not ease the pain, but thanks for taking the time for being here for all of us as your heart heals. We all appreciate you.

BTW, I have started getting involved in community service since my breakup. So far, I've helped build a house for Habitat for Humanity (four hours in 100 degree heat!)... just got trained to read books to children at my local library.. and this weekend, am going to make sandwiches at a local soup kitchen. Like you said, there are worse things than heartbreak. Not sure of your religion, but before I go to bed, I thank God for the blessings I have: good job, nice apt, steady paycheck, great friends, fantastic family, etc. Not going to ask Him to help me find a new man b/c I KNOW that He is already taking care of it and that each failed relationship, albeit painful, offers lessons that could help make me a better person and better prepared for my next relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 5:11pm

I'm so sorry you had such a bad day of it.

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:20am

Thank you and hugs to Sandra, flixbix, Sheri, dadivazalso, dremer, katortott, mamacita. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like I have to be strong and it makes me feel good to be able to help others. But I am really suffering and I find it difficult to express that. I am at 17 days of NC now and it's not getting any better. I am feeling sadder than ever. I miss my ex. I miss seeing his face and hearing his voice. I think I asked how long it would take for me to feel better before I started NC, when I was hesitating. I think Sandra said 6 weeks, right? So I guess I have another 25 days to go ... It just hits me really hard sometimes when I think we'll never see each other again or even if we do it will be just as friends which really isn't the same.

The worst part is I really feel like I may not have another relationship. I'm 43 ... I've never been married. I think my realistic chances of finding true love at this age are pretty slim. In the past when I've broken up I've been able to say to myself that I would find someone better, and I knew it was true. This time I'm just not so sure. I think I had better get used to making new friends and maintaining my current friends because I have a feeling that's all I'm going to get in this life.

I know that sounds dramatic.

On a different note, I'm leaving for a conference in New Orleans today and I'll be down there until Wednesday night. I may not have too much access to the web so you guys may not hear from me for a few days.

Thanks again for your support. It really does mean a lot to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:42am

This may sound odd, but do you have to be legally married to the man you love? Would you be content having him in your life even in an unmarried capacity? Living together, travelling, doing all of the thing a married couple would do, just minus a ring and a license? If marriage is very important to you then by all means don't settle, I just find (personally) sometimes that the concept of the state of marriage is sort of "inflated" by some women and probably some men too. Marriage definitely doesn't mean forever these days. Perhaps I have a different view of marriage than most women, if I met a man and he was eager to get married then I would be all for it, but on the other hand, if the same guy just had hesitations about being married (not about being with me, but just a hesitation or different outlook of marriage in general). I guess to me, being legally married isn't as important as being with someone I enjoy, if someone wants to be with you and love you then they will, marriage doesn't "guarantee" a commitment from someone.

Again, if marriage is something that means the world to you then don't settle. I think there is an important difference in someone who just doesn't want to get married at all versus someone who just doesn't want to marry you. I think if it is just the concept of marriage he doesn't want, maybe that is something to think about? There are a lot of couples who stay together without being married.

Just food for thought.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:03pm

I think I mentioned this to you when you were contemplating NC, but in my experience, there's a period a few weeks into it where you realize that it's REALLY over and the hope that there's going to be a reprieve starts to die. That's probably what you're going through right now. So it's not a straight line...there are ups and downs throughout the recovery period. I say this not to freak you out but rather to prepare you so that you *don't* freak out when they happen ;-).

As for the fear of not having another relationship...I can totally understand that. I'm 47, nearly 48...and I can tell you that since 43, I've fallen in love twice, even though I felt the way you do back then. Now, of course, neither of those relationships worked out, but the point is, I did have other relationships ;-). After my last one ended, I really was feeling like you so I embarked on a couple of flings with men I knew weren't interested in or available for a relationship, because I felt, well, since the chances of me finding a *lasting* love are so slim, I may as well enjoy myself with these guys. But both left me feeling low (well, one wasn't so bad because he moved, so I can at least delude myself into thinking that things might have been different if he'd stayed ;-)) and I really don't think I'll do that to myself again--I'm just not cut out for flings.

Now I'm embarking on a new relationship that has the potential to be serious, and honestly, I'm not sure I want to take the risk. I don't know...there's a part of me that would almost rather be alone than to have yet another relationship not work out. But, I know I do want a good, healthy relationship, and you can't reach that goal without taking some risks.

Anyway...I've gone off on a tangent a bit, but I just wanted to say, I do understand where you're coming from. Have a good time in New Orleans (that's where my last guy lived before Katrina, so I've spent lots of time there) and hang in there.

Sheri

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