A difficult day today
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| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 10:21am |
Hey everyone, I could use some words of encouragement.
I e-mailed him back yesterday. I said that I couldn't come see him today (he was supposed to come to my town today for an event) even though he said he really wanted to see me, and I should come and see him. I also told him I need some time to be his friend again, I can't just make that transition as fast as he seemed to.
I don't know if he's over me or not. I don't know if he wants to be good buds to make up for what we didn't have. All I know was that I was tired of talking to him, tired of him talking to me like we were really good friends again.
What I want to know, where were all these nice, warm feelings when we were dating? Did he ever tell me he missed me when I was away? No. Did he ever tell me how I could always make him smile? No. Oh wait, yes, he said all these things when it was officially over. Right. When we were dating, especially the last few months, it was filled with not so nice remarks, him never wanting to spend time with me, him seeming almost bitter about the fact I was around. That sure is nice.
I'm here writing because I do in a way feel ripped off. To give him a very small fraction of the benefit of the doubt, I suppose he really didn't know what was going on with him, he couldn't explain how he felt, and he felt terrible for dumping me. Of course, you could never tell now, but whatever. But I was the one who felt like this guy was totally in love with me for the last six months of our relationship. Yes, there were warning signs, things that really told me something was wrong, but I ignored them. Even when he did something that was kind of off-center, he would make it up to me by telling me how bad he felt doing it (ie - being away for my birthday). Besides, I was cool girl, remember? Nothing could bother me.
In spite of feeling ripped off after the relationship, because I won't get to enjoy doing all the fun events with him that we did, I also feel that I was ripped off in the relationship. I mean, this guy was the one who almost LOVED being seperated from me. The one who NEVER wanted to take a long trip with me, the one who if we did take a trip together, it was always with other people, and he always went in one direction, and left me to pick my own direction, away from his. Okay, we hung out alone once, I think we went to dinner together the last day we were there. Wow, did he look like he was having zero fun.
I don't know why today stings, but it does. I guess because if we were together, I'd be going to the event with him. LOL, he probably would have been totally sick of me hanging out with him, because he once stated that Saturdays, he likes to go do his own thing.
Honestly though, I don't know if he's even coming. I'm sure he would have came if I said I was going to see him, but I never got a reply from the e-mail I sent. He probably thinks I'm being a witch. I don't think he's ever had to deal with what I did. I was his longest relationship, and I know for a fact, when he dumped his other gf's in the past, they remained friends instantly.
Uggg, I guess it's a good sign, that the more I think about the relationship we had, the more glad I am I don't have to deal with some things anymore.

To be brutally honest with you, I don't know. I don't know why I stuck around as long as I did. Maybe because I thought that if wanted something, such as us hanging out together, or doing something as a couple, I'd get rejected, or seem needy. I asked him in the beginning a couple of times, and he was always too busy to do something with me. Did tons without me though.
He told me he'd never stick around with a girl who questioned him going and doing things without her. So I kept my mouth shut on many occasions. He also said a lot of things that made me question if he'd ever be happy with anyone. I could care less if he went out with his friends, or did his own thing. But maybe sometimes you could do some things with me too? Especially when we go away or something like that, instead of leaving me with other people while you went and did your own thing?
Yeah, it's so true though, it takes something like that to make you realize what you really want, and what will really make you happy. I think I said this before, but I should have cut things off as soon as he made those comments about not wanting to wait for me in the beginning of the relationship, when he knew damn well I was just getting out of an old one.
You live, you learn, I suppose.
Honey, read this post over and over, seriously, iamdelightful's right, the more I hear, the less I like what I'm hearing about what your relationship was really like. As the dust settles from the hurt and pain, and the rose-colored tint fades away, it's easier to see what was really around us the whole time, sometimes it's not pretty.
Don't see him if you don't want. Don't be friends with him if you don't want. This may sound terrible, but just because you were dating for all that time doesn't mean you owe it to him now.
Sandra
I know, I'm really starting to realize how dumb I was to stick around as long as I did. As soon as I had that gut feeling that something wasn't right (ie - right at the very beginning when he said what he did) I should have been up and out.
In a sense, even though I regret putting up with a lot of things I shouldn't have, I am thankful that this has made me stronger, and will make me realize a lot of things in the future, if they ever come up.
Sometimes, I still think back, and think, oh, I'll never get to do this again with him, or we will never get to go to this place together again. Then I think, THANK GOODNESS I don't have to do that with him, or go there with him, because 90% of the time, it wasn't fun, or there was always something going on that angered me or frustrated me or upset me. Whoo HOO for not having to go down that path again! I knew something was wrong when we planned our annual trip, and I didn't want to leave home to go with him, and I started counting down the days until I could come home. Before, I couldn't wait to go there with him. Then I started to realize, something's not right, not right at all. Wierd how that works out.