Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
124
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:18am

Good Morning, Laura-

I was just checking in with you. I hope that you got some sleep last night. My prayers are with you today. I hope that your day is ok. Hold on and keep holding on. Remember, this is not about you not being good enough...it is about his choices and mistakes. Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:12am
Hi jstbu, and thanks for your reply. I'm sure (well, I'm not really sure about anything anymore, but still pretty sure about this) that his disappearance didn't have anything to do with his job. It wasn't a job that he particularly liked, it was a job to make money while he was trying to get his business going (counseling and seminars--ha!). It was a job that he could easily leave or maybe even could have gotten himself transferred to another location (it was a grocery store chain). So I don't think that had anything to do with it.
My instinct is that he was ready to move on and so he did just that. When we started seeing each other, he moved here and to my knowledge, he's never stayed anywhere for a really long time (should have been a clue, huh?). I wonder now if there was someone else at that time who was treated the same way I was. He didn't have any close friends here or anywhere, as far as I know. The only person he had strong ties (besides, I thought, me) was his daughter. I've thought of calling her, of course, but that would be very awkward. I don't need to find him at this point, but I would like some answers. I'm thinking of sending her a letter, with a sealed letter to him and asking her to forward it to him. I don't know if he would get it, if would read it if he did get it, but I feel like there are things I have to tell him. I'd like some sort of closure.
Looking back, I see a lot of signs that I should have heeded, but didn't. I ignored a lot of things and so maybe this shouldn't be as big a shock as it is.
Anyway, thanks again for your reply--I appreciate having a place to get my feelings out.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:24am
Hi Donna,
Thanks for checking in--it's nice to know that someone is thinking about me. I did sleep last night, but I hate waking up and knowing that something is wrong and then remembering all over again what has happened. It just makes the pain fresh all over again.
I'm a teacher and we're out of school today because of snow. That's good in a way because it gives me time to perhaps deal with my emotions before facing classes again (we were in school yesterday, but got out at noon--it was hard, but I managed it). On the other hand, it gives me a lot of time that's not structured and that's hard. I can't stand for it to be quiet, so I have the TV on all the time, but I'm so sick of all those happy Christmas commercials that I could scream. This will not be a happy Christmas for me.
I'm trying to look at today as one day closer to getting over this, but it's still so new, that it's difficult.
I know in my head that this isn't about me not being good enough and that this was his problem and his choice. I know that there was probably nothing that I could have done that would have changed the ultimate outcome of this relationship with a person who could do something like this. That nasty little voice inside, though, is saying otherwise and it's hard to shut it up.
Thanks for writing--it was nice to get up this morning and have a message waiting.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:35pm
Just an update for everyone who has been kind enough to read and reply. I spent today with a friend, which was a great idea. It got me out of my house, let me vent and talk and cry to someone who just let me do it. I'm not saying that I feel a ton better right now, but it was a good thing for me to do. When I returned home, there was a big box on my porch. It was a delivery from UPS and contained some of my stuff that had been at my boyfriend's apartment--nothing major, just some videos, clock radio, stuff like that. But there was a note in the box and just having that has helped a bit.
The note was all about him (would have been nice if he had said some nice things about me, huh?) and said that he had left the state and couldn't be contacted. It said not to contact his daughter because he hadn't told her that he had left and she probably didn't care anyway (poor pitiful him). He said that I would probably think that this was the wrong way to leave (duh) but "think about what the last month would have been like if I had told you in Nov.". He said that he was leaving because 1-He couldn't give me what I want and deserve, 2-He wasn't going to stay in his current job forever; he would rather die, 3-He has sacrificed a lot to get his business going and now he must sacrifice more--he must succeed at all costs.
So it doesn't all make sense and I still think that there's another woman involved, but I'm relieved to have the note. I have a lot of curiosity about where he is an so forth, but I know that knowing this info won't change the situation. I need to get over it and move forward. That's not going to be easy and I will be in a lot of pain for a long time, but I'm taking it one day at a time.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:38pm

Hello, Laura. Thank you so much for your thoughts. Today was ok. I just want to get through the day so I can get back home to my nest. I miss him so much. This is a lesson in patience and hope. I still hope and pray he will come back to me sometime. I know we both have a lot of healing to do. I thought that is what people in love do, work togehter through anything. Then I spiral and think that if he loved me as much as he said, he would want to be with me no matter what. I just need to stop thinking and put it down. It is hard during the holidays.

I hope that you are having a good day. I wonder if he is not in some trouble and protecting you from his mistake. Hold your head up, you are a wonderful woman. I hope that you sleep well and have a peaceful evening. Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:54pm
You bet...I responded to you somewhere else. I am new to this , and I hope you can find it. Yes, Christmas will be difficult. My ex will go home (3 hours away) and forget me, drink and have fun while I mourn and be pissed!!!!! I am so frustrated...I know you must be, too. A thousand little plans hatch in my head during the day. A nasty little voice tells me I am not good enough, etc...It is great to know we are not alone. I wish you a wonderful evening. I took off of work yesterday (I teach, too) and it helped. It was hard going back today. It is hard to get up and remeber the pain. I pray it will lessen for us both as time goes on. Please keep in touch as much as you want to let me know how you are!! Love, Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:09pm

Hi Laura & Donna! We're all on the same page right now, being dumped without knowing it. I know that you wanna know if there's another woman, my advice is to just let it go, it happened to me, I called his phone and a girl called me back and was so mean. It is really painful for me coz that's when I found out that its really over and at the same time there's another girl. I just wish that they will be a man and tell it to your face, so that you'll never gonna wonder why, if there's something wrong with you and a lot of things. It's really hard to move on when you really loved the person and never showed you any bad things. I guess we're all gonna take it one day at a time, little steps that will make us stronger and wiser. By the way, I found this book which is very interesting, its called "The commitment cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man by Rhonda Findling". It completely describes every single man who leaves for no reason. Here's the link if you want to check it out:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593370040/qid=1133909755/sr=8-4/ref=pd_bbs_4/002-9471319-1084044?n=507846&s=books&v=glance

- kristine -

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:23pm
Hi Kristine,
Thanks for your message. You're absolutely right--I need to move on and not think about what he's doing and whether there is someone else. I mean, I know that it's over and that's not going to change, so why do I need to know details? I guess it's human nature to want to know why...and how...and when...etc. I'll check out the book link. One day (or one hour, sometimes) at a time is about all I can manage right now. Thanks again.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:51pm

Oh, Laura...I am so sorry. But, I am also glad that you got an answer and can now try to move on. I know it is difficult. I hurt for you. No one should endure pain for another's cowardice. He is a coward.

I will continue to pray for your peace. Cry, screram, journaland write on this post a million times if you have to! I will check on you later. Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:09pm

Hi Donna,
I do think that I'll be writing on this post a million times! Getting the letter helps and I've read it over and over (of course). I realized that it's all about him, or mostly about him. It would have been nice if he had said something about how much I had meant to him, or something like that, but I guess that would be asking a lot. I know that he must have been in a really bad state of mind to do this and I'm still very angry, but I'm also feeling pity for him. You're right, he's a coward. But he's right when he wrote that he couldn't give me what I want or deserve, and I think that I knew that already, pre-disappearance, but didn't want to admit it.

The package was delivered by UPS and it had a tracking number, so naturally I looked it up. The package was actually sent on Friday and delivered yesterday (well, last night at about 6:30), though I didn't see it until today. So I'm trying to at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he thought that the package would arrive before I unsuspectingly went to his apartment to find him gone. It makes me feel better to believe that, anyway.

Ah well, another day down (almost) and I'm still here, so I guess that's a positive thing. Thanks again for all of your encouragement and prayers. I'm definitely thinking about you as well.

Laura

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