Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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Hello!!!
I am so happy that you did not get those awful questions. What a relief. I did not go to the meeting. I went to my boss this am crying telling her I cannot deal with another thing, that I am tired, I am not committed to this job right now, my house is broken, my life is broken and I feel God has turned his back on me and is giving me the double barrelled finger! It was not pretty. She is my friend, but I felt kinda dumb after such an outburst. I stayed at school and tried to stay busy. At about 11, I got a call that Brennan was sick and I went to get him. He came back to work with me because I needed to set up for Family Literacy Night. I am NOT going back for it, though. I am tired and need to nest. I do have to go get Hannah from ball practice at 6:30. I am going to do this, take a hot bath and read, I hope.
My heart is absolutely broken in a bazillion pieces. I want him back. I do not know how to do this.
Much Love, Donna
Hi, Laura-
We have telepathy!!!!!
Dinner...Something out :(...Hannah just called. Practice ends early, so i am off. Will post when we return! Love to you..Donna
I think it's good that you told your boss how you're feeling right now. The fact that she is a friend is a definite plus. We all have times in our lives when we just can't handle everything that is thrown our way and we have to prioritize. So don't feel dumb! I'm glad that you're not going back to school tonight. I think that the job of an administrator is really stressful! And you have to take care of yourself right now. Hope your son is feeling better! Talk to you later!
Love, Laura
Hello, Again!
We are home now. I am done for the evening. We are going to bathe and relax for the rest of our time. Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist and breast doctor. I can hardly wait.
How is your evening so far? I hope it has been relaxing. Thank you for your insight with the whole God thing. I want to leave it to him. My friend who called late last night keeps telling me to leave it to God, he will take care of me. This is for a reason. I am trying to believe and understand but am blinded with pain.
My cats pulled the tree down, and I had to clean it up. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am back now.
Guess what I did? I called him just a bit ago. He was cold. I told him I missed him and I wanted to hear his voice. No response. Told me he talked to his mom and she asked what I wanted for Christmas. He told her he did not know when he would be seeing me again. She said, so you broke up and he told her yeah, something like that. OK...thank you for that bit of information. I am disgusted. It may have been a good thing. I am thinking why am I wasting my energy on you? I do not want to live with this. I certainly do not want my kids to live with this. What happened to the man I fell in love with? My fantasy has changed to he calls me telling me how much he loves and misses me. I tell him that I am sorry, I love my kids and myself too much to put us in this position again and wish him well and hang up softly. Maybe I did dodge a bullet. God, give me strength.
I am going to bathe. I hope that you have a wonderful night. I am hoping for peaceful sleep for both of us!!! Let me know how you are when you can. Much love to you and HUGS!!!!! Donna
Hi Donna,
Ugh, sorry about the cats and the tree! That must have been a real pain!
Maybe you had to talk to him and hear the coldness in order to move another step further away from him. As we've said before, we are missing what we thought we had, what we thought they were, what they once were, etc. and what they are now is NOT what we want or deserve. That's a hard thing to pound into your head, but I'm working on it too.
I've had an okay evening. Talked to my brother for a while. He's having relationship problems as well, a long-distance relationship that isn't working out and he's very depressed. I try to give him some advice, he gives me some advice, but, as he said, it's just like we're both screwed right now, lol.
I'm getting ready to go to bed pretty soon. I can't believe that tomorrow is only Wednesday! This week has been so long already. The weather forecast is calling for snow and ice AGAIN on Thursday. Can't believe it! So we may miss another day or even two. So much for continuity in my classes!
I hope you have a good sleep and a good day tomorrow. I'll look forward to hearing how you're doing. Lots of hugs!
Love, Laura
Hello, Laura-
Thank you for your post. I am sorry that your brother is hurting as well as your parents. What a hard time for you all! Think about how strong you are just to be functioning right now. I will keep you all in my prayers. I hope the new year brings peace and resolution to you all.
I feel differently since I talked to him. I think of his coldness, almost a taunting kind of pitch to his voice, like a "Look I am fine and you are not." I want him to be in pain. Sorry, I know it is ugly, but that is how I feel. And I am like, wow, did the guy I fell in love with ever exist? Is this the real him? This is no pause. I felt totally set free by him tonight, like he was very done with me. How can he say he loves me? I think he is sick in the head. I never would have imagined this man could be so full of cruelty. I am in such fear he will find happiness without me now. I dread the thought of him going home for the holidays and it being a perpetual party with the exes there and what is going to happen...in my heart, I already know. And I am powerless. He will be having the time of his life while I am dying just a little more and a little more.
I look back in my diary, and this has been dying for a long time. I have been mourning this loss for months. I would like to think that it has more to do with the alcoholism and the abuse than it does with him just wanting to be free of ties with me. I was so good to him. I would have done anything for him. I gave him all of my trust and my love. I do not say this for anyone to pity me. I did it out of love and respect for him. I cannot believe the mess I am in here. Now I simply wish that one day he will see that I was good and what an a*****e he was.
He promised me a call at Christmas. I wish I had the nerve not to answer the phone. What good will it do to answer? I will only be hurt and my worth destroyed a little more. This will be my simple hope. A little strength at a time. baby steps. It will serve no good to ever speak to him again. I need to remeber how I feel tonight when I go to pick up the phone.
Here is hoping that you had a great night and dare I say a good day? I will be thinking of you and praying that we get our praying right. :) Much love and hugs and hope and peace, Donna
Good morning Donna,
I'm looking at the most beautiful sunrise this morning. The whole sky is shades of orange and pink and blue over the mountains and there is still a little snow on the ground. I'm trying to look at this as a hopeful sign (well, I don't really believe in signs like that, but at this point...), but it just seems to make me a little sad. With that said, though, I'm hoping that this will be a good day, or at least a day filling with less pain.
You are absolutely right that M is sick and, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help him. You tried all the things that you could and he was unwilling to accept them. He will not change himself until he has decided that he needs to and that time may never come. As long as there are people partying with him and telling him that he's fine, he can fool himself into thinking that's true. I wish that I could take away some of your pain, but all I can say is that, for the long term, this breakup is a positive thing for you, just like mine is for me. That doesn't mean that we won't have times when we want the relationship back and think that we would be willing to accept him however he is, just to be able to have him. But that would only prolong the misery. If you need to, go back and read your diary every day. Remember how things really were, not how you wished they were. Maybe that will help.
I hope that you had a good night and that your day ahead will be fine. I'll be thinking about you!
Love, Laura
Good Morning, Laura-
The sunrise sounds beautiful Mountains, huh? We do not have that down in these parts. I hope it is a sign for a much better day.
I think I had a dreamless night, at least I do not remember any dreams. I figured out a few things. I yearn to feel the way I did when the relationship first started, I do not necessarily yearn for him. As far back as December of last year, there were things I would write in my journal that were unpleasant about the relationship, mostly having to do with his female "friends." In January not long after my grandfather died, he told me he could not talk to me anymore, it was my situation, not me (meaning still having some issues with my ex husband {not like I loved or missed him, but things like I was still getting ugly and threatening e-mails from him}). It lasted a couple of days and he called and I caved in and off we went until the next crisis. And the next, and the next. It was not nearly all wine and roses. I so wish I would have never met him. Alone is ok with me. Alone and in pain is not.
I also know that totally letting go with no contact is the only way to do this. I got his Christmas gifts from UPS last night. I had considered some time ago giving them to him after the New Year...I am going to donate them to someone needy. I came across a fork I had of his and threw it away today. I have his favorite shirt that I used to sleep in. Part of me wants to destroy it and throw it away and another part wants to mail it back with no note or anything. I am so disappointed in the man he has become, or the man that he always was but did not reveal. What I heard in his voice last night is that he just wants me to go away. It hurts a lot, but I can do it. I must do it for ME. The focus has to change to me now, not on what he is doing, where he is, with whom and will I ever hear from him...all of this matters none at all. I have to be done in my own mind, put it to rest and carry on. My only prayer is for peace in 2006, a new cycle of growth for me and an ability to let go of what harms me. It kills me that the man who said he would kill anyone who ever hurt me has done just that.
You are right, focus on what was , not what I had hoped it would be. (big cry coming) Ugh. It was a dream that turned into a nightmare. He is a very selfish man. I am responsible for getting better, not him.
I have a dentist appt at 11. Think I will go back to bed for a while. Just got the kids on the bus. We palyed keep the balloon off the ground last night and I laughed and laughed with them. I needed that.
Much love to you and lots of peace and soon to be happiness. Here's to letting go! Donna
Hi Donna,
It makes me so happy that you were able to laugh with your kids yesterday! That's wonderful! Anything that gets our minds off of our problems for a while is a blessing.
It almost gave me shivers when I read what you wrote--"I am so disappointed in the man he has become, or the man that he always was but did not reveal." You're so right--these men didn't suddenly change--they just did not reveal their true selves. Or I should say that they revealed themselves, but slowly, and after we had already become attached to them and the relationship. You sounded very strong this morning and I hope that you had a good day.
I think that no contact is the best way for you to get through this, as you said. It will not be easy, but every time you're tempted to call or see him, think about how he has made you feel. It will be painful, but every time you have contact with him just sets you back a few steps in the healing process, I think. Donating his gifts is a fantastic idea--he doesn't deserve them.
Like you, I wish for peace in 2006. I still hope for some answers, but I don't really think I'll get them and I think that they will matter less and less as time goes on. I don't want to become a bitter old cat lady! lol And I'm not going to let that happen.
Did you have the day off today, for your dentist appt., or did you have to go to work this afternoon? I'll look forward to hearing from you!
Love, Laura
Hi, Laura-
Thank you do much for your post. I just got in with the kids. We went out for chinese tonight. My doctor visits went well. I have a cavity :( but my ultrasound on my breasts was fine. I have had some problems in the past. I had to take off of work today. I am probably running out of days!
I hope that you had a good day. Perhaps a snow day tomorrow? The time home does me good. I know you said that time at work is better for you. I wish time at work were better for me at this point. I spoke to human resources, and I would need a note from a doc or counselor stating the time off would benefit me. I spoke with my counselor, and he felt that I am consumed with the break-up and that work was my solace. I tried to explain that I an devastated, but there is too much on my shoulders right now, and I am not doing a good job at anything. I go see him tomorrow afternoon.
Today has been an odd day. I guess the finality of everything is setting in, I can no longer fight it or hope for a different outcome. Everything I do reminds me of what was...
I cannot drive on the road without remembering driving back to my house after spending the night with him. Where I shop is right next to his old apartment where so many good things happened. I went a few weeks ago and parked ouside of his old place and cried and cried for what was and will not be again. I cannot shake the feeling that it was ME who caused this whole thing by not being what he wanted....he tells me he is in no shape to handle any relationship but my low esteem says it is you!!! Your fault!
I am so sorry I called last night. I feel like a nuisance. And weak. Guess he did not have to answer the phone, though. I know he did not want to get into it again. There really is nothing else to say. I said everything that I wanted to say before, begging him not to forget me and that all I wanted was to be with him. I told him I thought we would be together forever. No doubt that I go backwards when I talk to him. What to do about the highly anticipated Christmas call?
It was nice to laugh with the kids. I was able to go to their sing-a-long for Christmas today, as well. It was fun. I want to be able to be with them right now not having to worry about work. I have even considered working at their school next year, if there are any openings. I am desperate for a change. I hope that i can get some direction soon. Perhaps all of this will propel me into the right direction.
Please let 2006 be better.
I do think you will get your answers when the time is right and when it does not hurt anymore. As a matter of fact, I am certain of it. I have had several experiences with this kind of thing, and answers come in the weirdest ways and out of the blue. Perhaps I will get some better closure at some point. I am fearful that I will see him with someone else and the wound will bleed again. I am just tired of hurt.
Hope to hear from you soon. I have been thinking about you so much. You give me some hope that I can get through. Much love and many hugs, Donna
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