Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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Oh my gosh, you made me laugh--bitter old lady who USED to have cats! That's funny--I feel that way about mine sometimes too--especially when they're jumping around on the bed at 3:00 in the morning!
It's good that you're seeing your counselor tomorrow. You can explain to him how everything is just crushing you right now and you need a break from work. I think that a change of schools next year might be great--you wouldn't have so many memories to deal with. And maybe you could feel enthusiastic about work again if you had a new place and fresh faces.
I know that it's hard to handle the memories of the places that you were together--the roads, the stores, the restaurants--whatever. I find that hard as well. There are some places that I'm just dreading going because I feel like it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks--the last place we ate dinner on the last night I was with him, the movies, the grocery store near his apartment.
DO NOT blame yourself for this breakup! There was nothing you could have done to "be what he wanted" because he didn't know what he wanted and still doesn't. He is an unhappy person and would only make you unhappy. As for the Christmas call, I don't know. I think it will only make you feel awful because it won't be what you want and it will ony leave you wanting more and feeling depressed. And that's not fair to you or your kids on a holiday when you should be having a nice day. And if he doesn't call, that will make you feel terrible too. All day you'll be waiting for the call. Do you think you'd be able to just turn off or unplug your phone for the day? That may not be feasible. Maybe you could send him a note saying not to call you on Christmas, that you're finished with him and you need to have uninterrupted time with your kids. I know it would be SO HARD to do something like that, but think about the various options that you have. I don't want you to be miserable on Christmas because of waiting for a call that doesn't come or getting a call that leaves you feeling so empty. Maybe you could talk to your counselor about this.
Well, today has been an okay day--not perfect, not happy, not great, but okay. I got a very sweet note from a friend of mine telling me that I deserved better and that she was sure that better things would happen for me. It made me cry a little, but made me feel good too. She also invited me to a little New Year's Eve get-together (very low-key, comfortable, nice) at her house, so I'll probably go to that. I feel like maybe I can get back to the way it was with my friend before X. I know that things have changed, but maybe I can re-establish some ties. I hope so.
The forecast is for snow, ice, sleet and freezing rain tomorrow--lovely, huh? I think this storm is moving up from down your way. It's supposed to start after midnight, but maybe not until 6 or 7 a.m., but it's supposed to continue all day. So even if we go in the morning, I doubt we'd be there all day. We were supposed to have a French Club Christmas party after school, but I cancelled it today. We'll do it sometime after Christmas--maybe we'll call it an "end-of-semester" party.
I hope that you get some nice, dreamless sleep tonight and that all goes well with the counselor tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you, as usual!
Love, Laura
Good Morning, Laura-
The storm did come through last night and took my internet service with it! Thanks for your response. I hope that you had a good night.
I am glad to hear about your friend's note. And that you will have something fun to do for New Years. That will be good for you.
Last night was M's final rehearsal before opening night tonight. It makes me sad not to be a part of it with him.The kids and I were going to go. We have never missed any of his performances. My phone kept ringing late last night and I kept hoping, but it was my mom and my boss and Hannah's best friend. Oh, well...
I am tired this morning, but I slept well, thankfully. That initial moment of waking and remembering is difficult. What I said about the man who he has become...I still cannot believe it. Only thing, he was probably never that man. He always told me he had a "short shelf life" when it came to relationships. Why did I not see the signs?
Yes, the call. It may be good for me to unplug the phones and forget it. It will only serve to hurt me. I will not get what I want out of it, and I especially do not want coldness again . That day will be hard enough. I am going to have to do something. As far as contacting his mom, there is no use. She knows what is going on. It has been going on for 10 years. They made him come home for college after he got so drunk he fell and split his hand open resulting in surgery and physical therapy. It is not my responsibility.
Well, i donated his gifts to the garbage can last night. I know this was not a wise use of them, but I got sick of looking at them. It did make me feel better.
Well, Better get the kids dressed. My e-mail address is dwforrest@charter.net if you ever need to drop a line during the day. My school has this kind of thing blocked.
Hannah has a game tonight, but I will let you know later how this counselor visit goes. Much love to you and peace :) Donna
Hi Donna,
Well, we have another snow day here, as expected! The snow is coming down now and it's really pretty. It's supposed to change to sleet and ice later, which is still pretty, but awfully treacherous. I'm glad that I don't have to go anywhere.
I'm glad that you slept well last night. You know, it's normal for you to want it to be him when the phone rings. On a gut level, we want everything bad to be erased and everything good to come back. We know that's not going to happen, but a think it's natural to have those feelings. As I've said before, I still look at my answering machine when I get home from school "just in case" maybe he left a message. I don't really expect this to happen, but I keep thinking that maybe he would start feeling guilty or nostalgic or something and at least want to leave me a message. If that truly did happen, I don't think anyone would be more shocked than me.
I've noticed a change in the last day or so in how I'm feeling. I don't seem to have the same horrible "pit of the stomach" feeling. I just feel sad, sad, sad. Sad for the loss, the pain, the hurt. I hope this is a sign of moving forward, or maybe it's just a lull. I know that I have difficult times ahead and there are times that I want to cry, scream, pound something, but I feel somewhat better than I did a week ago, I guess.
M told you that he had a "short shelf life" with relationships. X said to me on several occasions "You don't really know me" and "I don't want to hurt you". Why didn't we take these statements as HUGE red flags? I guess we thought we could change them, that it would be different with us. When he said things like that to me, I never pursued it, never really said, "What do you mean by that?", because I just didn't want to know. I was afraid that he would tell me something that I didn't want to hear, but all I succeeded in doing was delaying the inevitable, I suppose.
The garbage can was the perfect place for his gifts. Sometimes you just have to get things out of the house and that was the best way. Now you don't have to look at them and be reminded. They're gone and that's better for you. I'm proud of you!
Thanks for your email! I'll send you mine as well. I think that today I'm going to clean out a drawer or two, maybe send some Christmas cards (I definitely don't feel like doing that, but I think I should) and maybe do some school stuff.
Hope everything goes well with the counselor and I'll write later!
Love, Laura
Lasouche and Givemehope...I hope the two of you are doing ok...please post an update when you can!
Sheri
Thanks so much for your post! I've had a lot of okay days and I think I'm moving forward. Today, however, was really rough and I'm just feeling very tired. I'll post again when I have more energy to write, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your message!
Love, Laura
Hi again Sheri,
I just wanted to say hi again and write a little. I hope that you are doing okay. I haven't been on this board in a little while, so I haven't caught up on how people are doing!
It's true that this healing process is a real rollercoaster. I have to say that in the last week to week and a half, I've probably had more "okay" days than really bad ones, but it does still hurt every day. Today has been a particularly bad day. I found a card that X gave me nearly 4 years ago and it just made me cry so much for what has been lost. But I also realized that it was lost before he ever left. So I'm trying to concentrate on why X and I shouldn't be together, all the reasons that I haven't been completely happy with him, etc. Sometimes it helps.
The letter that I sent to him 2 days after I found out he left finally came back to me today, marked "moved, left no address, return to sender". Even though I expected that to happen, it was just hard when it did. I guess I held out some hope that he would get the letter and know how he made me feel. And, in truth, there was probably a small part of me that wished he would get the letter, realize what a terrible mistake he had made, come running back and everything would go back to the way it was in the best part of our relationship. I know that wouldn't have happened even if he had gotten the letter, but until I got it back, I suppose that a tiny part of me was holding on to that.
With Christmas just a few days away, it's hard not to think of past Christmases and happier times. I just want the whole holiday to be over and let's throw in Valentine's Day being over too, since that was also very close to the anniversary of our first date.
Hope that everyone on the board can have some peace and relaxation in the next few days. We all have to remember that this will get better!
Love, Laura
Hi, I'm glad to hear you are mostly doing better...I totally hear you on the ups and downs though. The weirdest things will remind me of my ex...and the waterworks will start.
And I totally understand about that tiny bit of hope...heck, I keep having this little voice in my head say "maybe he'll call on Christmas, maybe he'll call on New Year's". I hate it and I keep trying to squash it because I don't *want* to have any hope, and I know the hope is not at all realistic. I know the next 10 days will be awful because of that, and in a way I can't wait to get through them (although I really resent not being able to enjoy the holidays, the days off, etc) so that the hope will be completely gone. So yes, I'm with you on wanting the whole holiday to be over...and Valentine's Day too!
I'm not hoping that my ex will want to get back together though...it's too far gone for that. I just want the respect of an apology and an acknowledgment of the pain he has put me through.
Anyway, thank you for the wish for peace and relaxation...same to you! I am going to use a gift certificate at a nearby hotel (that needs to be used before 12/30/05; of course I was saving it for my ex's next visit that never happened) tomorrow night and I have a spa appt in the afternoon...should be nice.
Sheri
Hello, Sheri-
Thank you so much for your thoughts. Like laura, I have had many ups and downs. Today was a down. He went home for the holidays, and home means his exes and his drinking. God only knows what will happen. I know it should not matter. He is not mine to worry about anymore, but I hurt very deeply and in spite of everything, I miss him. I hate the holidays and I hate where I am right now. Perhaps time will heal this, but I am feeling not so hopeful tonight.
And you...how are you doing? I hope things are better for you. Thanks for thinking about me. Keep in touch.
Love, Donna
"And I totally understand about that tiny bit of hope...heck, I keep having this little voice in my head say "maybe he'll call on Christmas, maybe he'll call on New Year's". I hate it and I keep trying to squash it because I don't *want* to have any hope, and I know the hope is not at all realistic. I know the next 10 days will be awful because of that, and in a way I can't wait to get through them (although I really resent not being able to enjoy the holidays, the days off, etc) so that the hope will be completely gone. So yes, I'm with you on wanting the whole holiday to be over...and Valentine's Day too!"
You took the words right out of my head!! That is EXACTLY what I'd been hoping.. and wanting to have over with.
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