Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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I've been reading your posts and I'm so sorry that your ex just dissapeared, it is amazing what some people are capable of. A co-worker of mine's ex moved all of his things out of their apartment while she was out shopping with a friend, I just can't imagine being in either situation.
Although my scenario isn't nearly the same, I'm dealing with the same total lack of communication. I had to break things off with my ex because of his behavior and although my mind is made up and I know I did the right thing, part of it stings a little bit that he doesn't even seem to have a reaction (minus the wierd posting on his profile that I mentioned in another post of mine) to anything I've said. It's like he just doesn't care whatsoever so I have to find the closure on my own, even though it was my decision it still hurts. The last time we actually talked things seemed much better and then it was like he just did a total 180 and I have no idea why and no real answers.
I'm sorry you're hurting, the holidays are tough.
Hi katortott,
Thanks for posting to me. You're right, it is very difficult when there's no communication, especially when it seems that the ex doesn't care at all. In the long run, I know that not having communication is the best thing, but I wish that I had been able to have some questions answered or at least able to tell him what I thought. I've come to the conclusion that this has been his pattern in life--to leave things behind and "start over". I have to realize that he is always starting over, but it never seems to work out for him. I guess I thought that it would be different with me (don't we always think that), but it wasn't. The holidays are tough, but I'm hoping that getting through today will be a milestone and that I'll be able to move on.
I'm sorry that you're hurting, too. Even though you were the one who initiated the breakup, it's still hard. You know you did the right thing, but it's easy to second-guess yourself and wonder how you could have made things different. Just remember that it takes 2 people to make a relationship and that's often difficult. I hope that you have a restful and joyful holiday and that you will be able to find peace.
Laura
Dear Laura,
I hope you have a good Christmas. My ex also "disappeared" on me. Except I knew where he was (with another girl) and he just chose to completely shut me off out of no where. That morning he woke up after sleeping over and we kissed goodbye (he had to go to school) and everythign was fine. That night he was ignoring me. Then I haven't heard from him since. Well, I have, but they were all desperately initiated by me and he still hasn't told me to this day what exactly happened.
Anyways, I really hope you are ok. I think you are really strong to be still here. I don't konw what I'd do with myself if I had NO CLUE what's going on. Maybe it'll be a tiny bit easier though, in the sense that you can't call and make it a vicious cycle. I hope you will be fine. =)
Happy holidays.
Joanna
Hi Joanna,
Thank you so much for your message. You're right that maybe in a way it's a good thing that I can't contact him, but that hasn't stopped me from trying to think of ways just to let him know how he made me feel!
Like with you, everything seemed "normal" with us up until he left. Looking back now, I see lots of signs that I should have heeded, but chose not to. But these men are simply cowardly to leave with no explanation to us. There's no other word for it. That's not the way that people should treat each other!
I hope that you are healing and getting through this. It's not easy, but I try to remember that things will get better and that, in the long run, I'm better off without him (yesterday I made a list of all the reasons why!).
I hope that you're able to have a happy holiday despite the circumstances.
Love, Laura
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