Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
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Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:05pm

Laura-

I do believe you will feel so many things over the next couple of weeks from pity to anger to sadness...I do not think we will get to the other side (peace) unless we go through this pain, not try to avoid it. I was reading a book called Turn My Mourning Into Dancing which warns against busying ourselves to stop the pain (something I would do!!). You were so right to be with yourself and just feel. I believe in my heart that will be our fastest route to feeling better. I am so thankful that you received some kind of answer today. I think it would be unbearable to wonder and wonder what happened to him. I do think it is very human to want to know those details of who? what? where? when? and why? but I hope you are spared of this. Walk on knowing that there is a bigger plan for you, this is the darkness before the dawn.

I am one to be giving advice :). I am still wallowing in my slop here. I miss him, want to touch him, feel if only I had done this or not done that...I cannot wait to go to sleep, but hate, hate, hate waking up to a new day of pain. Something has to give. I find myself trying to make deals with God like please bring him back to me and I will learn my lesson of keeping You first. Sigh. I am tired. I know you are, too. What an emotional roller coaster you have been on in such a short time.

My thoughts are with you. Feel what you need to feel and do whatever you have to to get some relief and TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! We are all we got! Keep on writing. Another day down :) Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:26am
Hi Donna,
Just a quick note before I'm off to work. Thanks for your words. It's true that we have to feel the pain before we heal, but I'd really love to skip that step. I made the mistake this morning of deciding that this was the time to get all of the cards, etc. that he sent me over the years and put them in a box. I didn't read them, but just seeing them was difficult, of course. They bring back so many memories of good times and feeling loved. I'm not ready to throw them away yet, but I'm putting them in a box with other stuff and I'll put it away in a closet. I don't want to pretend that he was never part of my life, but I can't have it staring me in the face. I did throw away some deflated Valentine balloons that I had stuffed in a drawer (am I a pack rat or what). One of them was a "musical balloon", but fortunately it didn't start playing. That would have sent me right over, I think. I guess I had to do all that this morning so I don't think about having to do it all day.
Thanks, as always, for your support and I hope that you have a good day too.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:27am

Good Morning-

At least I hope it is for you. Here's to hoping for another snow day for you :). I am very sad this am, thinking that he is gone and I am lonely. My kids and I were supposed to spend Christmas Eve with him and his family in his hometown. He was also supposed to go with me to my school Christmas party this Friday. Yes, I have a good case of feeling sorry for myself today. Sorry about that. I do have much to be thankful for, especially my children, their health and my health. I just have this huge lump of pain I cannot seem to shake.

Off to work with no makeup, hoping to make it until 3 when I can come home, home, home. Hope that you had a good night and a great day. Positive thoughts coming your way!!

Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 10:16am

Good morning Donna,
It doesn't sound like it's a good morning for you. Not so great for me either. No snow day today, so I'm back in school, which may be good because it gives me something else to focus on. I just don't want to break down or cry in front of the kids. I teach high school--what age do you teach? It's my planning block now, so I just need to write a little before I have kids again.

It's hard because my students know that I have (had) a bf and they frequently ask about him. Some of them have met him. We used to go to the movies all the time (like 2 or 3 times a week) and some of them have met him there. I teach foreign language, so I take kids on trips in the summers and he's been on 2 of them with me and so the kids know him. I took his picture down at school, but I don't know whether I should just say a little something to my kids about us not being together anymore, just in case today is the day when one decides to ask, "So how's Charles doing? Did you go to the movies on the snow day?" Or whether I should just leave it alone. I had my 8th graders this morning and I didn't say anything because they don't really know much about him, but my 3rd year kids that I have this afternoon have known him for quite a while and it would be hard not to say something. On top of everything, my assistant principal asked if he could come observe me today. It's not something that I would normally be concerned about, but of course I said "Sure!" and so I hope I don't tear up when he's there. We were doing an activity in our textbook this morning and one of the sentences had bf's name in it and it just threw me off a bit because I didn't see it coming until I was reading it aloud.

Mine was supposed to go to my faculty Christmas party with me, too. It's this Saturday and I was so happy that agreed to go. He's not very social and so I didn't expect him to be very enthusiastic about it. Of course, now I know that he knew he wasn't going to be here then and so what harm was there in agreeing? I'm going to go anyway and try to have a good time. I've isolated myself from a lot of social situations because I preferred to be with him (and I'm not a real social butterfly anyway), but I need to get back into doing a few things. It's going to be hard, but I'll probably have a better time than if he was there. If he was there, I'd be worrying about whether he was having an okay time and if he wanted to go and all of that stuff. Now I'll just have to worry about me.

I had to tell a few people (adults) at school that we weren't together anymore, but I didn't go into all the details. After all, acquaintances don't really need to know everything--it's still just so humiliating and embarrassing. I know that it WILL get better. I reached into my purse to get something and saw a bunch of movie ticket stubs. I threw them away. I know that little things like that will keep cropping up, but they almost take your breath away.

Thank you for all of your encouragement. I hope that your day is going okay and that you make it until 3! I told myself this morning that if I can just get through the day, then I can have a long cry if I need to when I get home.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:40am
It's horrible what happened to you. This guy sounds like he is on the run every few years. I've seen movies where these guys set up homes and families for a while and they're really crooks.
You are doing a good job of being able to function and go to school. In my past I was unable to function. I've been in a situation similar to yours, but we weren't living together. He broke up by UPS my things back to me. It took me twice the amount of years of our relationship to get over. I could not function. I would never be able to function like you.
I've recently had a divorced man leave me, but we were not in a relationship like that.
Your story is one of the worst I've heard. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I hope you find someone that treats you better and appreciates you. The signs of these type of men are that they do not fully integrate you into their life.
His excuse on not contacting his daughter only benifits him. Even though it's probably better to let go, I'd probably be inclined to say something.
Take Care
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:26pm

Hi Laura, I'm just getting caught up on the latest developments with you. I'm glad to hear (for your sake) that you got *something* from him, as unsatisfying as it may be. I wish my ex would have the courtesy to send me a one line email with *some* sort of explanation. I've even left messages saying, if you don't want to talk to me, fine, just TELL me why and you never have to talk to me again. But of course he is too selfish to do even that for me.

Good for you for boxing things up, etc. I just erased all his calls from my home phone caller ID...I haven't quite gotten to my cell phone or erased his emails but I'll get there. I did change his name on my cell phone to "Big Selfish Jerk" though ;-).

I don't know what would be best as far as your students. I'm inclined to say wait until it comes up, but you could be blindsided by that, so maybe it's better to be pro-active and tell them.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:41pm

Hi gal raven,
Thanks for your reply. I do think that this man moves every few years and whether or not he's done this kind of thing before is probably something I'll never know. I don't think he's a crook, though he does has some financial problems and they probably factored into his decision to leave.

I am, fortunately, able to function okay, although the whole mess is always on my mind. I keep reminding myself that in the long run this breakup is for the better and that I knew that deep in my heart before he even left. It's just so hard to change the whole way that I've been living for the last 4 1/2 years.

You're right that the stuff he wrote about not telling his daughter might just be a ruse so that I won't contact her. I still may send her a note or something at some point. I guess there are things that I would like to say (write) to him that, of course, I wasn't able to say before he disappeared. And if he really didn't tell his daughter that he left, it's not out of the question that she might contact me. So we'll just wait and see.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:48pm

Hi Sheri,
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad, too, that I did get a note. You know, I was saying to myself, "Oh, if I could just have some kind of communication, that would be enough." Now that I have the note, though, I'm thinking, "Well, I wish that he had at least said something about having loved me or wishing me well, etc." So I guess it's never enough.

I hope that eventually (sooner rather than later) you hear something from your ex. It's just SO selfish to leave a person with nothing at all, not even "goodbye, i never want to see you again." I think even that would be better than nothing.

I love what you changed the name to on your cell phone! I haven't taken his number off mine (of course, it's disconnected, so I don't guess it matters!). He had a phone line in my house hooked up to a phone/fax machine. It's his and he paid for it, but it was in my name (long story) and I did call today and cancel that. There was a message on it today and so of course I called the number and it was some sort of debt collection company, I think.

One class of students did ask me about him today ("Did you and x play in the snow yesterday?") and so I told them. In the other class, no one happened to mention him today, but a couple of the kids are acquainted with him, so at the end of class I did say something. It's better to have it out, I think.

Thanks again for your support and I hope that your situation resolves itself in some way. I guess that at some point, you'll just have to write him off and realize that he is selfish and not the kind of man that you want to be with. Stay strong!

Laura

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:01pm

I'm glad you got it overwith (telling your students). The more "landmines" you can remove and disarm, the better, ya know ;-)?

I have basically given up on my ex with every day that passes (it'll be four weeks on Friday), and am working on accepting that this is who he is...but the anger and hurt is going to take a while to fade, I'm afraid.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 5:31pm

Hi, laura-

Well, I made it till 3 :). I am home now, thankfully. I admire how strong and positive you are. I know you will be better sooner than you think. I have been very sad today. I feel as though the things he told me the other night were just lies. He told me that in light of everything that has happened in his life recently with loss and repressed memories, he has to bulid from the bottom up again. He cannot deal with the intensity and passion we shared. He cannot take another committment, another responsibility. A friend of mine at work told me she felt he was blowing smoke up my butt :( and I began to believe her. Now I feel he is dropping me so he can party and do whatever he wants without having to worry about ole dead weight here. Funny thing is, I trusted in him and never complained about him going out so much. He is 10 years younger than I am (I am 37). His home town where many of his friends live is three hours from here and he would visit there on holidays, go out, but call me a lot. Last couple of times he went, the calls were few. Then I went to see him the Sunday after Thanksgiving and as I am sitting in his house, the phone rings. He turned off the answer phone. I asked who it was because it was so fishy and he said he did not recognize the number. Then the cell phone rings. It was his ex that was also in his hometown for Thanksgiving and he ran into her at a bar. H later told me her message was to see how bad the traffic was coming this way (she lives about 45 minutes from here). Call me dumb, but I think that is part of the reason you have a radio. I asked if it would be ok for all my ex boyfriends to call me. He said no way. I am drained and hurt. I trusted him with my life. He talked about marriage and children and introduced me to his family and told them I was the one. He asked me to begin the annullment procedure of my first marriage so we could marry in the Catholic Church. He swears that he did nothing wrong with his ex and he cannot help it if she calls. Funny thing is, we have been together for 2 years and she does not even know I exist. What does that tell you?

Anyway, things have now progressed into this. It hurts so much I want to move away to never hear his name again. I am ashamed to have loved so much and gave my all. I trusted him. I feel like a really pathetic woman. I look back and see many problems. His drinking is the biggest. He also keeps in touch with all ex-girlfriends and sees no problem with this because they are Just Friends. It is disrespectful to me and to them. He is critical. Told me if I ever got fat, I was out the door. Told me how to dress and wear my hair in public. Was ok for him to comment on other women, but I could not say anything about another man or I would hear how all of his other gf's looked at other men and made him feel like a 1.00 bill compared to a 20. He is a drama teacher and I commented on how cute one of the young men he cast in the play was, what a good job he did and that hurt him. I have told him repeatedly that he can dish but he cannot take. He told me I had better get used to it if I wanted to be with him.

Then, there was the beginning. I had never felt so loved, secure and pretty. He used to hold my hand when we slept. Called me a lot just to check on me. He is young, but smart and wise. He always said he wanted me to be the mother of his children. Talked about our future. How much he loved me. Was so good to me. Whay does this have to change? Why did this even have to happen? I would have rather never to have met him than to have to deal with this hurt. And I can promise this is the final relationship gig for me. I have been cured. Sad, though...it is a couples' world and I always wanted to believe in a happily ever after. It is not woth the pain.

Wow, I am sorry this is so long. To top it off, I fell today at work (I work in a middle school, grades 4-6 as an assistant principal. I am soooo ready to find another line of work, as this is how I met him...he was assigned to our school three years ago. I went through all the problems he had with his ex, as they were breaking up at the time. It began as a friendship and then...anyway, he is no longer at my school, thank God). I busted my knee open and cried like a baby. I feel I am being punished and that nothing is going to get better. Thank you for listening and for your positive attitude and kindness.. I hope that you have a peaceful evening. Again, i really admire your strength and wish I could be so solid!!! You are on the right track, Laura. Keep it up! Looking forward to hearing more from you. Love, Donna

PS What Language do you teach?

Faith

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