Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
124
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 6:23pm

Oh Donna, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much today! And I know that falling and hurting yourself physically didn't help at all!

Don't ever apologize for writing a lot--I'm very proud of you for putting all of these feelings down. I really think that your post today is several steps in the right direction. You are getting out all of the bad things about him and all the reasons that you shouldn't be together. It doesn't make you want him less, not yet anyway, but you're moving in the right direction. Yesterday when I went to my friend's house and talked, I was amazed at the number of things that I was remembering that I had conveniently "ignored" during our relationship. When I put them all together, it made me feel so stupid for not realizing that something like this would happen sooner or later. So I think that we want a relationship to work SO MUCH that we are willing to overlook a ton.

Like with you, the beginning of my relationship was wonderful! He was so attentive and affectionate and made me feel like I was the most special person. Things hadn't been that way in a while, but it was still what I wanted and remembered. Don't feel ashamed to have loved him! He certainly gave you reason to love him--all the things that he told you sound like exactly the things that we all want to hear. We can't go through life not trusting anyone (though at this point it's going to be hard). Again, DO NOT feel ashamed of your feelings! He is the one who is wrong here, not you! He did things that anyone would have interpreted as you did and then he changed the rules. You're missing the "him" from the beginning of the relationship and, unfortunately, either that person never was or no longer is. That's not your fault! It sounds like he did a lot of things to make you feel bad about yourself and so now you need to show him that you'll be just fine without him. And I know that you don't feel like you will be, but you WILL!

I've also gone through (and still am, truthfully) the feelings of "I wish I had never met him, then I wouldn't be feeling like crap now". That's an easy thing to think, but it doesn't do anything to help us. We can't change what has been, so it's wasted energy. I may seem like I'm very positive sometimes, and strong, but I have my moments (way too many of them) when I'm not at all. Honestly, I think a big "ugly cry" is coming at some point and I'm not looking forward to it. I've been distracting myself so I don't have time to think too much, so I'm afraid that this weekend I'm going to have a meltdown. I put all of his birthday and holiday cards, a few little "romantic" gifts (like a valentine heart) and cards from flowers in a box and I was so tempted to read them, but I knew that would just not be a productive thing to do. I couldn't, however, bring myself to throw them away. That would be a certain meltdown.

It must be difficult to be working where you met him. I'm sure that lots of things remind you of him. (There must be something about drama teachers--we had one a couple of years ago who left his wife, telling her that he had just married her to have kids and that he was gay). I know that I'm dreading going to places where we spent time together--certain restaurants, the movies, etc. It's going to be hard.

Okay, I hope that I've given a little support! I'm very proud of you for getting all those feelings out. I hope that you also have a peaceful (that's a good word) evening. If you need to be sad, let yourself be sad. I'm sure it's harder for you because you have kids and so you have to be there for them, but if you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and turn on the shower and cry, you go ahead. Think of it as getting rid of toxic feelings. Give yourself a certain amount of time and let yourself go if you have to.

Oh, and to answer your question, I teach French. I'm at a middle school (grades 6-8) one period of the day and at a high school the rest.

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:37pm
Hi everybody,
I'm just feeling sort of down right now (what a shocker). Little things keep coming up in my mind and I think, "Oh, I'll tell bf about that". It's just a flash-thought, of course, and then I'm struck by the fact that, no, I won't be telling him about anything ever again. It's not even as if I'm not thinking about him, it's just that I'm so used to thinking about the time that I would have spent with him, that it's automatic. I don't even know if that sentence made sense, but I hope you understand what I'm saying. There, it happened again. I have the TV on and some story came up and I automatically thought, "Oh, X would be interested in that". I'm also seeing commercials for upcoming movies that we had talked about wanting to see, DVDs coming out of movies that we saw together, etc. You'd think that maybe it would be better to turn off the TV, but the quiet is worse. I don't even want to cry. It's there in the back of my throat, but I just don't want to do it. I want to sleep, but I hate to think of waking up to the same feelings that I have today. I just want to be over it already!
Laura


Edited 12/7/2005 8:39 pm ET by lasouche
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:34pm

Hi, Laura-

You truly are remarkable. You have a great head on your shoulders. YES, YES, YES, you did encourage me! Thank you so much. It is a relief knowing that another is feeling the same thing. In another one of your posts, you mentioned how you thought any correspondence would be good. Then how you wished he would have mentioned some nice things about you (he SHOULD have!!!!). I so understand this. Just a little more, just a quick band-aid to calm the pain.

Hey, I am all for big ugly cries!!! I hope that you feel better once it all comes out. I have been crying a lot. Yes, I have to be careful about crying in front of the kids. The tub is a good place, or right before I go to sleep.

I am so, so sorry you came across his name today. I swear...it is weird how that happens. Or a song from long ago, or a smell. It is difficult for it to be so close to the holidays. Do you have friends and family you can be with during this time? It may be just me and the kids, but I am trying to figure out some fun, new traditions for us. I need to make it ok for them.

I know you have far more questions than answers about your situation right now. I pray you will be peaceful with the answers you get and continue to be as strong as you are. You are really an inspiration. I am happy for you that you are still going to your Christmas Party. I hope that you have a great time. How brave you are!

It is good that you got the cards and other remeberances of him and put them away. I did throw all of it away out of anger...pictures, cards, small gifts. Believe it or not, I did that a few months ago. We have really been rocky since June, but I chose to keep trying, keep holding on for fear of the pain if I let go. Fear of another loss, fear that he would go right back to his ex and she would be able to fix him or make him happier that I could. The things we are willing to accept and put up with! The things that go through our mind! I am glad you have a close friend that you can talk to about him. And you came up with some red flags, too...perhaps we need to concentrate on those.:)

You are right, we cannot change what was or what is. We will change what will be, and it sounds like you have already put some great things in place to help your transition. I am very proud of you. To think what you have gone through and the progress you have made in this small amount of time is just terrific.

I, too will be asked what has happened to Michael. We have mutual friends, and being in the same school system is a big suck-a-roo. I do not look forward to that. His picture is no longer in my office-it has been shredded, thank you. I am certain someone will ask me.

How much time do you have off for Christmas? I hope you are looking forward to the time away to collect your thoughts. I am. With the hurricane, we lost some of our days off, but I am most grateful for any time away. Yes, the memories of him are in every corner of that place. Sigh... My knee is better from the tumble. It just made me so angry and wonder what else is going to happen!!

Hope you get a deep, peaceful sleep. Thank you for all of your kindness. I am so glad to have met you. I will be thinking about you. Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:48pm

Boy, you hit the nail on the head. I wanted him to be there when I fell today and hold me. I bought some pants and could hear him laughing at them saying how they looked like scrubs.The movie RENT is another example...we never made it there. We had a list of all the things we wanted to do together. Suppose I can use that for toilet paper now. You make total sense...and the question about BEFORE and AFTER...yep, yep, yep.

Keep on writing. The tears will come, but the laughter will, too. You are doing fine, Laura. Love and Prayers, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 5:35pm

Hi Donna,
I hope that your day went okay and that your knee is feeling better! I'm feeling just blah, but it wasn't a bad day overall. We're supposed to get some snow and ice tonight, so I'm expecting another snow day tomorrow--it doesn't take much to cancel school around here!

We have Dec. 22-Jan. 2 for our winter break. It's hard to even look that far ahead. My parents live close by, so I'll be spending time with them, but they are going through something right now that is just awful (don't really want to go into details) and makes my breakup depression look like a walk in the park. Their situation started last week, so, needless to say, none of us is feeling very Christmasy! My brother also lives close by. We're a pretty close family, so I'm very thankful to have them.

It's a good idea to think of some new traditions to start with your kids. How old are they? I hope that you'll be able to enjoy the time with them, even though I know you'll be sad. Do you have other family near you? I think you mentioned something about your parents staying with you after the hurricane. I'm sure we'll both be wondering what the X is doing during the holidays and we just have to stop ourselves from concentrating too much on that. I'll be wondering where he is, and stupid things like what the weather is like there, whether he's going to see a movie (a big thing with us, as I know I've mentioned a million times). And of course, I'll be wondering who he's with, if anyone. I'm going to have to start smacking myself in the head whenever I have those thoughts! I know that my situation is awful, but one positive thing that I can say about it is that I certainly don't have to debate whether or not to call him "just to see how he is" or "just to wish him Merry Christmas" because I can't!!

Anyway, check in and let me know how you're feeling today. Each day is one more day closer to when we won't feel like this!
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 7:49pm

Hello, Laura-

Thank you so much for the sweet letter. My knee is sore, but fine. I guess it hurt my pride and made me think, "What else???????" I also wanted someone to just take care of me. I am tired of doing everything myself, including buying my own Christams gift. I am feeling like Ms. Scrooge here.

Michael called me last night just to check and see how I am doing. Well, I suck and it is because of you I suck and I am hurt and my heart is in a million f****** pieces. What else would you like to know? I did not say any of this, of course...I just said that I was ok, working, blah, blah, blah...I did tell him that I fell. I said nothing about missing him or loving him, nor did he. It just makes me want more. It made me yearn for him, our times together. I wish I could let it all out, my tears and my fears, but why? He is currently directing a play for his high school classes and the play is next weekend. Then we have Christmas, and when he comes back, he will coach baseball. He is diving into work and I feel it will be so easy to forget me. I am in a school where the principal likes to hire a lot of young teachers. So many of them are engaged, just married, so hopeful. I do not really want the marriage deal right now, but I would like someone to hold my hand. Not just any someone. Him someone. :( And tonight and the next and next I will get no calls and feel like crap. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I am frustrated and sad.

I hope that your evening has been ok. I am so, so sorry to hear about your parents. 2005 is one year I would love to forget, and it seems to have been a tough year for many. That is great that they live close by along with your brother. Yes, I am going to worry and wonder and hope for a call. It will be a very difficult time. I would like to go to sleep until mid-January, actually.

You lucky girl, another snow day. Are you ok being home alone? Believe it or not, I am ok...I feel safe here and can let my emotions ride the roller coaster. We do not get snow down this way too very often, but we have hurricane days :0..

Is tomorrow night your party? Are you still going? I hope it is a very nice evening for you. Mine is tomorrow night, but I do not have it in me to pretend to be ok. I am just not.

My kids are 11 (Hannah) and 6 (Brennan). They keep me going. I am trying to be jolly for them. We have a tree. I did most shopping on the Internet. Just could not face the crowds.

I went to see my counselor this afternoon. I have been seeing him for a while for issues related to the divorce. I really like him, and he does help. Today, I did feel a little better when I left, but he told me Michael has an abundance of problems and I should get out of the way of that train wreck ASAP! I know this...it is easier said than done. I do believe the heart takes a lot longer to see this than the head.

I meant to comment on your teaching French. What a beautiful language. I would love to be fluent in another Language. Have you been to Paris? If so, was it wonderful?

Did you buy X a Christmas gift already? That is a painful one. I did and I bought 2 tickets to a New Years concert of his favorite band for us in New Orleans. Ha ha on me. The coat and shirt are returnable. Now I have these tickets that I can stare at all night on the 31st.

I cannot wait to go to bed. Off to a bath now. Please let me know how you are!!!!! I hope you have been able to cry and sleep. You are in my thoughts...Love to you...Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:34pm

Hi Donna,
Oh, I'm sure that phone call last night didn't make you feel any better. Although we crave contact, when it comes it's never what we want. It does seem like he has a lot to fill his time and will be able to move on more easily. Do you have activities or anything that you can get involved in? I know that your kids probably take up a lot of your time (not in a bad way--that's a good thing!), but maybe if you have something that you're interested in, you could make a project for yourself!

We have a lot of young-ish teachers at my school, a lot of young couples with kids. It does make it difficult when you see the "happy couples". Like you, I'd just like to have someone to hold my hand and be there for me--I'd like to be part of a couple, but the idea of being with anyone but X is pretty much a scary thought.

I talked to my brother for about an hour tonight. He's having relationship problems too--there's a woman who has been keeping him hanging for a long while and he's really in love with her. So I guess that our whole family is just cursed right now! It totally seems unfair!

I'm kind of hoping for the snow day, but we never know here. They're calling for 1-3 inches of "wintry mix" and if that happens, we'll probably be out. I don't know how to feel about being home alone tomorrow, especially since it's Friday and I've got the weekend to face. I think I'll be okay and at least I would be able to sleep late! My Christmas party is Saturday night and I'm still going to go. It's kind of hard because he had agreed to go with me (ha!), but we never did that kind of socializing very much, if at all, so it's not like it will be a situation that I was in with X a lot. And I'm currently on the "depression diet", which means I'm not interested in food much at all, so maybe I won't overeat at the party! Though I'm not much in a party mood, or a Christmas mood, but I feel like I have to do this.

I hadn't gotten any Christmas decorations out yet and I don't think I will. I just don't feel like dealing with it. I don't even know if I'll send any cards. I feel like writing one of those Christmas "newsletters" and just sending it to everyone. "Hey, X disappeared and life sucks! Hope you and your happy little family have a Merry Christmas!" Just kidding--sort of! Fortunately, I had only bought one little Christmas gift for X--a very inexpensive computer game. Unfortunately, I can't find the stupid receipt! It was only about $10, though, so no big deal. It's funny, I almost ordered a couple of things online Saturday and then I didn't. I'm sorry that you've put out the money for gifts for Michael. Maybe you can try selling the tickets. Have you ever sold anything on Ebay? Don't know if tickets would be something you could unload there or not.

I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor. It always helps to have a disinterested party to talk to, someone who isn't your friend or family. I went to one a few years ago for a little while and it just helped to have someone to tell things to.

Yes, I've been to Paris and it's wonderful. I take groups of students to Europe every couple of years. Last time, X went on the trip too, so now I'm thinking that he's even ruined Paris for me! Not really, I guess, but I know I won't go there without thinking of him. My next trip isn't until 2007, so maybe I'll be over him by then! I certainly hope so.

Well, I'm going to go off and get under my electric blanket. Hope you could relax in the bath a little bit and that you have a good night's sleep.
Love, Laura

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:41pm

Donna, I would really urge you to take control back from your ex....BLOCK him from calling you. That way, you are not waiting and jumping when the phone rings...plus it's really empowering to do so.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:56pm

Sheri-

Hello! I know that you are right, but I can honestly say that I am not quite there yet. I have the urge to call right now, but I will not. This is where I am getting my power right now. I think the phone blocking will come. Thanks for your kindness...Donna

Faith
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:00pm

I understand. You'll get to that point when you're ready. My wish for you is that it comes sooner rather than later.

Sheri

Pages