Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
124
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:09pm

Laura-

Oooohhh, your electric blanket sounds great. I hope it brings you a great night of sleep and some happy dreams.

No, the call did not help matters. I am feeling rahter numb right now, actually. It is too much to process and I already worry about his whereabouts and withwhomabouts during his trip home. But, it is not my concern. He should no longer be my concern. It hurts that the exes got more of him than I ever did. I feel like an afterthought.

Yes, I like to read and make jewelry and make glass beads. I love to go to the show and just be with the kids. I am quiet, and I am not a big party-goer. I have a few very close friends who I go out with sometimes. I do not think I could fill my life full enough to get over this pain right now.

I bet Paris is wonderful. You will be wayyyyy over him by then!!!!!!!! I am glad yo did not put too much into his Christmas gifts. Donate it to Toys for Tots!!! I think I may give the tickets to my friend at work. She was in a mess of a relationship, too. Maybe this will help her to forget a little.

It is only 8 here, but I am going to sleep. I am exhausted. Have a wonderful Friday. I look forward to hearing from you!!!! Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:33pm
Thank you, Sheri. I wish that, too. I am just crushed right now. Hope that you are doing well. Hope you have a cozy and peaceful evening! Love, Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:58am

Hi Donna,
I hope that you were able to get some sleep last night. I'm sure that you were still torn up about the phone call. I completely understand about your feeling like an afterthought in his life. I've been thinking that I'm just a "footnote" in X's life and I'm sure that he has "rewritten" our history together to suit his own purposes, whatever they may be. Like you, I'm trying to convince myself that what he's doing now isn't my concern anymore and that I shouldn't waste my energy thinking about it. But that easier said than done. I have these fantasies of hiring a private investigator to find him--not to get back together with him, but to say "Ha! See, you thought you could just disappear, but you couldn't fool me!" Now, I'm not actually going to do that, but I need to stop wasting my brain cells thinking crap like that.

I think we're a lot alike. I'm quiet, too and I don't have that many close friends (fewer in recent years because I chose to spend my time with X and some friends just went by the wayside). I know that there are friends that I've been close with in the past that I could call right now and they'd be there for me, but I haven't really been in contact with them recently and it doesn't seem fair to call up because I'm going through a rough time. Eventually, I will try to re-establish some friendships, but now my emotions are just too raw. I'm not a really "social" person, so it's hard. I don't have a ton of activities to fill my time either, but maybe that's good in a way--it forces me to face the feelings and not bury them.

We do, indeed, have a snow day today and I slept a little bit late, but didn't want to stay in bed too long because then I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. The day seems to be stretching out endlessly. When I was lying in bed this morning, I thought that would be a good time for the "ugly cry", but it didn't come. I suppose I could have gone through the box of mementos and that surely would have brought on the tears, but couldn't really bring myself to do that. I'm very sensitive and I've certainly teared up numerous times over the past few days, especially when I've had to tell people that X and I aren't together anymore, but I manage to keep control. Maybe I don't have the big cry in me, but I'm just afraid that it's going to come out at a most inopportune time, like in the middle of class.

I hope you're having a positive day, Donna! I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 7:32pm

Hello, Laura!

I hope that you enjoyed your wonderful snow day!!! I am so very happy it is Friday. My little girl is at a slumber party tonight, so it is just my son and me. I am thinking about a bean burrito and a Starbucks right about now. This will be our Friday night adventure.

I got another call last night, Laura. I am falling, falling, falling. We talked for over an hour about his job, what Christmas plans we had, he asked about the kids and what Santa was bringing, my job, our families, how we met...I am on planet confusion right now. I do not feel like we are moving forward as one might think. It leaves me wanting more. It leaves me yearning for what was. I have not seen him for a couple of weeks now. I miss him. The calls are a bandaid to a big wound. I want to tell him I love him and miss him but I do not dare. And I know when he does not call me, I will be devastated and wounded and upset all over again. I have listened to him and tried to let him go. I am not in a place to not answer the phone when he calls for fear he will never call back. I just want to touch him and look into his eyes, but I know I cannot. I am unsure as to what in the world is going on...AND IF I HEAR ONE MORE HEARTFELT CHRISTMAS CAROL I AM GOING TO VOMIT, ESPECIALLY MARIAH CARYE"S ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My day at work was busy. I admit the call made my step lighter thinking just maybe...sigh. You and I do have a lot in common! I am glad you shared that with me. I look around at the people at work who go to lots of parties, festivals, etc. I am content to be home. If I do go anywhere, it is with a couple of friends. Of course, it is with Michael that I enjoyed my time the most. Simple things like watching a movie and eating pizza. Once, he tried to teach me how to Cajun dance (he is from Cajun Country). I, too allowed friendships to go by the wayside because of him and found myself isolating so I could be available to him. He did not do the same...He was the one who talked of the future with me, starting a family and I fell into the dream of happily ever after. I know my lesson here is not to think anyone can fill my void. But he sure came close, and boy did it feel good there for a while. The exes called and I tried to ignore and let it be smoothed over with his words and promises. Thought he loved me only, loved me best. Oh, well...

I am glad you did not get your big box of mementos out. You will cry when you are ready. I tear up, as well at times in the middle of the strangest things. The picture of us is gone from my office. My closest friends know, but I am amazed by what some people will ask just out of curiosity. It is gonna be hard to tell whoever asks about this.

Do you feel the evenings are worse than the days? I think they are. I love your private eye fantasy. I wish you would journal them so one day (soon) you can look and get a good laugh. My fantasies are not too hot...like he invites me over and there is his ex sitting there beaming and he tells me he wanted me to be the first to know he is getting married. God, I think that is so cruel when an ex calls another to tell them their "great news." I shudder at the thought...

Did you ever think what you will do if he calls you one day soon? I know, it is a hard one to know. Do you have any plans for this evening? I hope whatever you do brings you comfort and peace.

I will check back after my big Taco Bell heist :) I am thinking about you and praying for you. Wish you lived close by, but I am so happy to have met you!!!! Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 8:42pm

Hi Donna,
Starbucks sounds pretty good right now! I'm making my own "latte", sort of, right now, with decaf coffee and skim milk. Not nearly as good as Starbucks, but it'll do!

Wow, that must have been just the most difficult phone call. I know that you crave the contact with him, but I guess you have to ask yourself what he is getting out of the calls and how he thinks they are affecting you. I'm glad you didn't tell him that you miss him and love him. That must have been really hard not to say those things, but it won't make it any better when you don't hear the response that you're looking for. The hard advice is not to take any more of his phone calls because it just makes you wish and hope for what might have been and opens the wounds wider. Not taking the calls would be the absolute most difficult thing to do. I feel hypocritical giving that advice because I don't know that I would be able to follow it myself, if I were in your place. Try to remember that what you're missing and hoping and yearning for is not the reality, but the dream of what you want to be. That dream wasn't just a creation of your mind--it was fueled by the fact that he was the one who talked about giving you what you wanted. But remember the negative side of being with him--the exes, the false promises, etc.

In answer to your question, I have thought about what my reaction will be if he calls one day. And I don't know. I guess it would depend on when that call came. If it was next week, my reaction would be different than if it was in a year (at least I hope so!). I'm angry right now, but I don't know if that would melt away if I heard his voice on the phone. I can imagine myself accepting all of his "logic" for why he left. Anyway, I don't expect a call. He made his decision to leave in the way that he did and I don't think that he has enough sentimentality to suddenly want to call me. But I do sort of wish for that, as in, "I didn't realize I would miss you this much and I really love you and I'll do anything to make this up to you". That will never happen and I know that, but it doesn't stop a little part of my mind from wishing it to be so.

I did cry a little bit today--not much, but enough for a tissue. I was watching Oprah and Faith Hill sang "I Surrender All" and it just struck a chord. I went out a little while today with my mom to the PO and the grocery store. Then I went to dinner with my parents. I've mentioned before that they've got some serious stuff going on--I'll just say that my dad has been falsely accused of a crime and had to present himself to be arrested yesterday (released on his own recognizance). He is a well-respected man who has never had anything like this ever happen before and there are other circumstances that make this truly devastating. So needless to say, we were a happy little trio at dinner. I don't think that either of my parents has been able to eat much for over a week and I've got my mess to deal with--but it was still good to get out of the house, for me and for them.

I totally agree with you about the Christmas songs! And the commercials! If I see another commercial that shows the very-much-in-love man buying diamonds for his beloved, I may throw something through the screen! The evenings are hard, mainly because there's just so much more time to fill, but also because that's usually when I would see him. But on the other hand, in the evening, I know that I get to go to bed soon and at least be free of this for a while (assuming that I don't dream about it, which, fortunately, I haven't done very much).

Donna, I'm so happy and thankful to have met you as well! You have been an absolute lifesaver for me. It would be great if we lived closer (don't know if I ever even told where I live--I'm in VA), but I do really look forward to hearing from you every day. And I'm hoping that both of us will find peace very soon. Let me know how your Taco Bell/Starbucks adventure went! Have a restful evening and a good sleep!
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 9:07pm
You are doing well since you are able to function. My divorced guy stopped answering my phone calls or emails last week, but I finally got some answers from him this weekend by email. He said that he didn't feel for me in a serious way. This is after a year. He had told me that he wasn't ready yet and we had a casual relationship. I thought things were growing. Why string someone along like that. I was so dipressed today that I couldn't leave the house.
Your strong to be able to get out and go to work, sometimes I can't for several weeks.
Your disappointment was greater since you lived together.
Hope you feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 9:41pm

Hi, Laura!!!

We have returned from our journey. It was great to have a message to come home to! I hope that you are having a good evening. I got a coffee-free drink so that the precious sleep I crave is not affected. You are right about the evenings, knowing that sleep will bring a rest from the madness.

Thank you for you kindness...you are correct that this is a death of a dream, my dream. It does not matter what I want here. Things are what they are, and I have to deal. The calls do give me hope, I must admit. I am in the phase that I think if I do not answer and he does not call back I will regret it. Just hope I can not call him when I do not hear from him tonight. Our minds work alike, Laura. I was wishing that on Christmas I would get a call telling me how stupid he was, he cannot bear to live without me, he wishes I was there...Someone hit me in the head to knock sense into me. I know what you are feeling. If Michael would say it was ok, I would forget and jump right back in. Did you guys talk about getting married? Those diamond commercials make me ill, yes indeed.

I did have a dream the other night about him. We were standing in a garage of a home. I think we were married, and my daughter and I were standing there and he was telling us something about the errands he was going to run that morning. It was a normal, peaceful thing, we were a family. I am in no rush to get back into a marriage, but I suppose I have that happily ever after thing going on and I thought he was Mr. Perfect. This is one thing I continue to work on in counseling!!

I am terribly sorry about your dad and mom. I hope they will be stong and hold their heads up. It is nice you all have each other. I will pray for a speedy resolution for them. That has to be pure hell. I know they are happy to have you to lean on, as well.

Well, I am going to bathe and get into my pj's. I am so happy it is Friday! I hope you have a peaceful night and have a wonderful time at your party. Yes, I feel so blessed to have met you like this. Wow. You have been a rock. Sleep well. Looking forward to hearing from you...Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:56pm
No call..I am going to bed. Here we go on the roller coaster...Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 9:33am

Hi gal raven,
I'm glad that at least you got some answers. I know that it doesn't change how you're feeling, but maybe it will help you move on. It's always so hard when one person is more involved than the other, especially if that person doesn't realize it. It's not fair that he led you on and didn't let you know that he wasn't as into the relationship as you were. I hope that you'll find some peace soon.

Actually, just to set the record straight, X and I didn't live together. We did spend a great deal of time together and I spent 3-6 nights a week at his place, so it did kind of feel like we almost lived together.

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 9:55am

Good morning Donna!

I know that you're crushed that you didn't get a call last night. This is the roller coaster that you're on right now. You get a call and, even though you know it's not going to make you feel better long term, it makes you feel better at the time, so you talk. Then you start to hope and you're devastated when your hope doesn't become reality. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a big hug! You were very strong not to call him when you didn't get a call. I hope you were able to get some sleep.

One thing I'll say for my X--he never promised marriage or even talked about the long-term future. Since we were together so long, I know that should have been a huge warning signal, but I thought that I was giving him his space and was really trying not to be smothering. The only time that we ever had a conversation where marriage was mentioned was after we had been together a little more than a year. I asked him if he thought we would ever get married. He said that he didn't know and didn't know if he ever wanted to get married again. He had been married before and I thought that he was just down on marriage in general. I would have married him if he had asked, but thought that I could be happy with our relationship the way it was. As the years passed, we developed a comfortable routine. I don't mean that everything was ho-hum (though I guess the day-to-day stuff was) because we took trips and did some cool things. I never brought up the subject again, I think, because I didn't want to get an answer that I didn't want to hear.

So what do you have planned for today? I hope that you'll be able to do something to take your mind off of your situation. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The party is tonight, but that seems a long way off right now. I have plenty of things to do around the house, so I guess I should just start doing something. It's hard to get motivated, but maybe if I just start something, it will help. I'm feeling a little down this morning. I suppose the shock of the situation has worn off and I'm left with the mourning and grieving process. I think I could move forward a bit easier if there wasn't my parents' situation to think about, but it seems like everything is just dragging me down right now. I'm dreading Christmas day already because I think it's going to feel like a funeral instead of a holiday. And of course, I'll be thinking about Christmases in the past few years. Last year, we spent Christmas day with his daughter and her boyfriend and the year before we spent Christmas in New York City. I wish that I could look back on those memories with fondness instead of bitterness and sadness.

Let me know how your day is going! I hope that it's restful and peaceful!
Love, Laura

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