Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
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Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:37am

Hello, Laura!!!!
What a treat to wake up to. Thank you for your note. The roller coaster you mentioned is right on the mark. I miss him. The first thing I did when I got up was to check my caller id in case I did not hear the phone last night. No such luck. At least I do not sleep with the phone anymore and I did not call. I do not want to call...I will get the answer phone and he has caller id, as well. I would feel like a fool. I know he has play rehearsals today, but it is the night I worry. Will he hook up with his x, are they doing the things we had planned to do together? I am hurting me with these thoughts.

I hope you are getting a lot done around your house and that you are feeling peaceful and looking forward to your party. I am going to get Hannah from the party and will write more when I get home. I need to tell you my bad dreams last night. I am covered in a rash, too. Nerves???????????? Ugh...

Won't be long. You are in my thoughts...Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:07am

Hi Donna,
I'm glad that you didn't call him and that you're not sleeping with the phone! Those are good things. You know that if you did call him and didn't get him, it would only make things worse because you would be wondering where he was, with whom, etc. If you did get him, you know that the conversation would leave you wanting more, so that wouldn't be a positive thing either.

I'm sorry that you had bad dreams! Dreams are so powerful. The first night after I found out that X had left, I had a dream that it was all explained away--there was some logical reason for it, though I don't remember the dream exactly. When I woke up, I had this feeling of relief for a few seconds before the awful truth came crashing down again. Fortunately, I haven't had any more of those. And I don't want to have any dreams where he and I are "happy together", because that's just not going to happen.

Right now, I'm cleaning the kitchen (and checking the computer!). It's good for me to be doing something constructive and I'm probably cleaning it better than I have in quite a while! I'm still adding things to "The Box", as I come across them. This morning, I added a corsage that he gave me at the very beginning of our relationship. I think that somewhere I have the dried remains of 3 bouquets of flowers that he sent me when I was in Europe the first summer that we were together. He sent me beautiful flowers in each city where I was, and of course I saved them. But I can't find them--I think that I may have put some of the prettier remains in a basket with some other dried flowers at one point. I can let those stay there, I think.

Looking forward to hearing from you! Hope that your rash has gone away!

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:33am

Hi, Laura!

I am home (and checked the caller id asap). Nothing. I want to find a way to not dwell on the circumstances here, or I will drown. I want to move through the pain without having to remember every little thing. I hope, too you can look on the memories with fondness rather than pain. I guess when we get there, we know we have arrived!

I know that dream was painful. Waking from that must have been so difficult. I do not like waking up. For then, I am reminded of the situation. Last night, my first dream was that I was with Michael's parents. I was introducing my children to them. But I do recall that not all was well in the dream. The same mess existed and I think Michael was there, but looking away. They are wonderful people, and I will miss them. I wonder what he told them. Just over the Thanksgiving break he called me and said his mom wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas. I told him to tell her her son. Looks like I am outta luck there.

My other dream was about my ex-husband. He was telling me what an awful person I am, how the divorce is all my fault, how I am not a good mom. It was terrible. And I could not get away from him. Every road I tried to take was a bridge to nowhere and I kept getting lost. The divorce was very unpleasant, and he did tell me a lot he would take the kids away from me. I would get horrible e-mails at work each day accusing me of things that were untrue. Believe it or not, things have gotten better. We can talk without incident, and have tried to be cordial because of the kids. They are going to spend the night with him tomorrow night. It will be hard not to want to call Michael and want to spend the night with him. It would be a verry stupid move on my part, and I will use the time to cry and journal or read...

I really have nothing left to put away from the relationship. I threw it all, and I am not sad about that. But I am really sad today for the loss. And the fact that it is Christmas makes it much worse. I miss him, I love him and I am miserable. I am planning to go to church tonight. For that hour, I try to feel better, anyway. I have lots to do here...a mountain of clothes to fold, groceries to get and school shoes to buy.

You know, it really makes me furious that people tell me there is someone else out there for me. I do not want to hear it, becase at this point, I feel done with the whole thing. I never want to be here again.

I hope you have a wonderful day with yourself. Write whenever you feel like it! I cannot wait to hear about the party, and I am very proud of you for going. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Seems like the only way is up from this point!!! Much love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 12:02pm

Hi Donna,
Yikes, a two dream night! That was rough, rough, rough. I'm glad that you and your ex-husband can be civil for the sake of the kids, but I know that it wasn't easy getting to that point.

I think that you need to make a plan for yourself for tomorrow when your kids are with your ex. Maybe that will help you get through the night without calling Michael. If there's any way to get out of the house for a while, maybe that would help. Of course, then there's always the moment when you have to come home and the phone is still sitting there. Just keep telling yourself that it will only make you feel worse.

So far, no one has said to me that "there's someone out there for you" (oh no, does that mean that they don't think there is? lol), but I'm sure it will come. I haven't told that many people yet. I know that they say it because they really don't know what else to say and that's the platitude that comes to mind. I would like to have another relationship at some point, but it will be very hard to trust someone. Right now, I can't imagine being comfortable with someone else. But it's just too soon to even think about going out on a date. Too scary. Like you, I don't ever want to feel like this again!

I've finished the kitchen and I guess it's on to the bathroom now. I'll check in throughout the day. Please post whenever you feel like it!

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 3:12pm

Hello, Laura-

Well, the first wave of errands are complete. I need to go back to the little girl's house where Hannah stayed and pick up a forgotten book sack. May get Bren a haircut, too.

I am glad you are staying so busy. Bet your house will be spotless! Mine is still not fixed from the storm. Carpet has been torn put and sheetrock is hanging in my bedroom. It is close to impossible to find workers to fix anything. Either they left with the storm and did not return or they are busy with the massive work around here. I really am not too worried about it, and just try not to look at it!!

I know people are trying to be nice. It is just not comforting to me. It is like someone saying I can just replace a child. It does not work this way. I think the knowing that the response I will get from him will prevent me from trying to call. I know I will yearn for the phone to ring, though. But, I have been angry today about the way I have been treated and at me at the things I put up with just to be with him. Guess mad is better than sad right at this point. Sunday night was usually a night we spent together. We would eat, watch a movie and go to bed and talk and talk. He used to light my favorite candle and he would hold my hand while we slept. I cannot ever imagine letting anyone get so close to me again. You have a far better outlook than I do on this.

I did get a call today from his best friend's wife checking on me. She wanted to get together with the kids this pm, but I am not ready to see her. Too close to Michael. We had become good friends and did stuff together when the guys were working. I do not know how I am going to handle this relationship...

Well, write when you can. Off to the final tour of errands and will be home for good after that. My thoughts are with you...Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:25pm

Hi Donna,
Well, I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and then ran out of steam a little bit. But hey, I'll have plenty of free time to do the rest of the house, right? My free time has been greatly increased!

I'm sorry that your house is hasn't been fixed yet! I've heard on the news about the shortage of workers in your area and I'm sure that it must be nearly impossible to get anyone! But eventually it will happen. I need to get a new floor in my dining room/kitchen because my cat has ruined the carpet and I know I hate to even think about having to do that. I can't imagine all the repairs that you have to have done.

I took a sweater back to the store today and took a bag of stuff to Goodwill. Then I decided that I would go by the Salvation Army store which is near X's former apartment. I just wanted to see if any of his furniture or stuff was there. A strange notion, I guess, but it wouldn't have surprised me if he had just gotten rid of everything and started over completely new somewhere else. When he moved here, he basically had no furniture or anything because he had recently gotten divorced and had been renting a room in someone else's house (at least that's what he told me--now I wonder if that was true!). I didn't see anything of his at the SA, so it didn't really answer any questions. I just keep wondering where he got the money for a move. He had a lot of debts and never seemed to have much extra money and moving, even renting a U-Haul, is expensive! And if he had rented a truck or trailer, he would have had to have someone to help him move...Oh well, all of these questions aren't really important and don't change the outcome of what happened, but I'm just so much in the dark that the questions are always swirling around in my head.

I think that your anger is a good thing. If you're angry at him, you're remembering all the crap that he put you through and maybe it will help you to move through this. I'm sure that tomorrow night will be very hard--just keep your anger with you so you're not tempted to call him.

It will be hard to see his friend's wife. That's a tough one! On the one hand, she's a friend who's reaching out to you, but on the other, if you saw her, would you constantly be wanting to get info from her about him? I guess that's something you'll have to decide, but I think you're right not to see her right now. It would be really difficult not to ask her about M.

Well, I hope that you have successfully completed your errands and that you'll have a nice evening. I guess I'll start getting ready for the party in a little while, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I just know that I have to make myself go. My best friend, the one I talked to a lot this week, is also a teacher at my school, so she'll be there. I just dread being there alone, the sad single once again. It's not like X ever really went to many social functions with me, but he had been to a couple. And there are a few people who just tend to ask those type of questions--"So is your fella with you tonight?" Ugh. But maybe I'll have a nice time and it will take my mind off of things for a while. That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

Talk to you later!
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 4:55pm

Hello, Laura-

I am back home again and in for the evening. It sounds like you got a lot done today. Good for you! I do not think your trip to the Salvation Army was weird at all...I would be looking for answers, too. When you tracked your UPS package, did you find out where it was shipped from? Seems like the answers would give you an opportunity to process things and close the door. My hope is that you will get them soon.

I am glad your best friend will be there. I know you will be beautiful! I think you are so strong to be going. Mine was last night. I do not regret not going, but he was supposed to come with me. He knows all of these people from working at my school for 2 years. I cannot wait to hear about your time tonight. Bet you will have a nice time just getting out and being with your friend.

A cat, huh? We have 2, Oscar and Felix. The have been giving my Christmas tree a run for its money! I spend much time cleaning up needles each day. What kind of cat do you have and what is his/her name? Mine are both strays. Michael is allergic to cats :). Hope you get your floors fixed soon. It is something you dread, but are so happy when you do it!!!

I am crying now, just a little. My heart hurts that I cannot touch him or look into his eyes that said things that he did not say. I just want my life back with him in it. I need to remember the hurt and pain more than the good. It has been a lot of hurt and pain over the last few months. I actually felt like I was going insane. And now I just want a Christmas call telling me how much he loves me and needs me. HA.

Drink some egg nog and a dash of bourbon for me. Have a good time. I am happy for you. I cannot wait to hear all about it!!!!! Much love and many thanks for allowing me to bend your ear. You are a blessing...Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 6:43pm

Hi Donna,
Just wanted to check in before I leave to go to the party. I got dressed in a black velvet dress and a red jacket, but I'm feeling a bit frumpy. I've gained weight over the past year and I don't feel sleek at all (and rest assured that I'm not a size 6 saying "Oh, I'm sooo fat", lol). But I've put on eyeshadow and so that's a sure sign that I'm dressed up, haha.

I completely understand why you didn't go to your party last night. Too many people would have been asking about M. and it would have been miserable for you. I'm hoping that mine will lift my spirits a little bit.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. It seems weird to tell someone to focus on the negative, but I do think that's what you have to do. I'm sending you hugs and good feelings. Do something nice for yourself, if you can. Snuggle up with your kids, if you think that would help. Force the cats to sit on your lap! (I have 2 cats, too--I'll tell you about them later--they don't follow directions well!) Write here if you need to--I'll check it when I get home. You are strong and you will get through this! You've certainly kept me going over the last week!
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 7:21pm
It's great your getting out. I'm going out to a christmas party myself. I'm not in the best of spirits, but I want to try to live for today and not in the past or I will be depressed.
I tried to get out last week, but ended up sick over the whole thing that I could not physically leave the house. I was literally sick, but feel better today.
Hopefully something great will come in as this door closes with my x. I don't even really want to be his friend. Not that he wants to, but he did not treat me well. I couldn't bear to see him with another woman either.
Have a great night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:15pm

Hello, Laura-

I hope that right now you are having a great time at your party. I bet you look great! Eyeshadow...wow!!!! I hope you forgot about all of this mess for a while.

Bren and I went to the store. I have not cooked a decent meal since all of this happened. I have picked up stuff or cooked fast things like pizza. I am going to cook tomorrow before I take the kids to their dad's house. He lives about 35 minutes from here. I am not looking forward to bringing them, but I do feel I need to have a little while to try to recover. It has not been a very good day. I wonder where he is, with whom...that kind of thinking is enough to make me nuts. I need to stop and read to get my mind off of things.

My daughter is a grouch today-she got little sleep last night, as they do at slumber parties. I think we will all got to bed soon!

I am sure it will feel so good to come home to a clean house. I did my clothes and am glad the shopping is out of the way. I have another load in the washer right now. Three people certainly can generate a lot of dirties!

In thinking about my friend who is the wife of his best friend, I am not sure what to do. Michael told them that my relationship with her has nothing to do with him, and we should continue to be friends. I just think (like you said) there will always be a temptation to ask about him and I really just need to break ties with that. He is no longer my concern. What he does and who he is with is not, either. It is just too painful to know those things. I hope I can figure out the right thing to do. Right now, it is just too fresh.

I did not go to church. No good reason why I did not. Maybe tomorrow afternoon when I get back home.

I want to talk to him, but do not have the urge to call. The no answer will hurt more than an empty conversation. Tomorrow may be another story, but for tonight I am ok with this. You know, this pain is killing me, but it is not new. I have been in pain with him since June. Guess I felt is was better to be in pain with him than without him. I thought of another Christmas scenario...he calls me and he tells me he has really messed up. He is so sorry for all the hurt and he loves me and he will make it right at any cost. Sigh...please let January the 2nd come fast! I thing New years Eve will be another tough one. We had never spent it together,he was always in his hometown (probably with an ex or two or three). But I know I will worry about his whereabouts while I sit home like a grandmaw and fall asleep before midnight.

Oh, well...off to a bath and bed. I hope you had a better time than you anticipated. I CANNOT wait to hear all about it!!!! Peace to you (and hugs!!!!)...Much Love, Donna

Faith

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