Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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I'm glad you're getting out. I know that we don't feel like doing "normal" things right now, but making ourselves do them is important. Sometimes you have to put on that "happy face" (ugh) and eventually it won't be an act anymore. I hope you had a pleasant evening. Mine went fine.
Love, Laura
Hi Donna,
You're probably already in bed, but I just wanted to check in! The party was okay and I'm glad that I went. I didn't have a fantastic time, but I did make myself do something that I didn't feel like doing and I think that was good. I'll tell you about it tomorrow when I'm not sleepy! I hope that you're able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be better for you than today was.
I think that one of my cats found a catnip toy while I was gone and so I have a feeling that both of them are going to be a little wacky--may have to shut them out of the bedroom tonight!
Hugs,hugs,hugs,
Love, Laura
I just wanted to check in with you to see how your evening went. I hope that you were able to have some fun, or at least take your mind off of it for a while. Let us know how you're doing!
Hugs,
Laura
Good morning Donna,
I'm glad that you are starting to do some more "normal" things, like going to the store and cooking a meal. It's not easy at all, is it? From what you've said, today is going to be a hard day for you, so be sure to check in often, okay?
I didn't go to church this morning and frankly, I don't think that I can ever go back to our church. X and I started going there together, he preached there several times, sometimes taught classes on Sundays and Wednesdays (which I attended, of course, good gf that I was)--there are just too many memories of him there. Lately, he had been working a lot on Sundays (at least that's what he said--who knows if that was really true) and so I went alone, but even on those Sundays I was missing him being there and I can't imagine how it would be to go in light of my current situation. The last Sunday that he didn't work, he said that he didn't feel like going to church, which was a bit unusual, but I didn't think too much about it. Now I wonder if he just didn't want to go because he knew that he would be gone. I never got really involved in the church as far as doing things other than the things that he and I did together. Perhaps at some point I'll write a letter to the pastor explaining why I'm not coming anymore--he's a really good guy and I've taught his daughter at school and I think he deserves some sort of explanation of why I'm not there. I'm just not sure how much of an explanation I want to tell him. X didn't really have close friends here, aside from me, but of everyone he knew, I think that our pastor was the person who might have been the closest to a "friend"--they occasionally met for lunch or breakfast and talked about church stuff, since X had been a pastor.
I really didn't want to get up today. Today it's one week since I went to his apartment and discovered that he was gone. It seems like it's been a year.
Okay, the party last night. It was in a beautiful old house that has been completely renovated--absolutely gorgeous! I'm not good in big party situations, not good at small talk and mingling, but eventually I settled in with a small group and had decent conversation. Only one person asked me about X and I managed not to burst into tears when I told her that we weren't together anymore. It was hard when people were talking about movies that they had seen or were going to see because that brought up memories of going to those movies with X. But I managed to get through it. There are a lot of young teachers on our staff, quite a few who are fairly recently married or who are engaged, so it was hard to see these happy young couples. And around these young teachers, I feel like the "old lady" (I'm not old, I'm 43, but to them, I'm sure that seems old). The house where the party was is way out in the country and the road that it's on was still ice and snow-covered in places and as I was driving there, I was just hoping not to slide off into a ditch--that would have been the perfect end to a perfect week, huh?
And now, dilemma time. Yesterday, I received a Christmas card from X's daughter. She's an adult and lives about 3 hours away. In his letter to me, he said that it would be no use to contact his daughter because he wasn't telling her that he was leaving (and he added something about her not caring anyway). I didn't know whether to believe that or not, but the card from her makes me think that he really didn't tell her. It was just a perfectly normal card, signed by her and her boyfriend and she had written "I love you and miss you" inside. I hadn't seen her in months, which wasn't really unusual, but we have always gotten along very well. X had mentioned a couple of times recently that he had tried to call her, but she hadn't returned his calls and he seemed somewhat frustrated by that, but he didn't go into details. They always seemed really close (her mother died when she was 2 and he raised her alone) and loving. They didn't talk every week, but they kept in touch and he would go see her every few months, at least (and sometimes I would go too). So now my dilemma is this--what do I do? Should I just send her a Christmas card like everything's okay? Should I write her a note, telling her an abbreviated version of what's happened? I definitely don't want to write her something bashing her father, but should she know that her dad is no longer where she thinks he is? Before I got the card, I was thinking about sending a sealed letter to her to give or send to her father (because I had some things to say that I wanted him to know), but now I just don't know what to do. Advice?
Well, let me know how your day is going. I don't want to close this post because then I'll have to think about what I'm going to do today and it's stretching out to be a long one. Talk to you soon!
Love, Laura
Hi Thanks for asking.
I had a good time. There was a LOT of food. I ran into a few acquaintences that have recently become divorced. It will be good to have a couple girlfriends to go out with. Since I've been in a relationship for so long, most of my friends have disappeared as they've gotten married and had kids. It takes up all their time and soon enough their gone. (Prior to this guy I spent all my time with my x) At the party I was listening to the other women telling me stories about how it is dating now. They were saying that anyone you meet has baggage and guys all want sex. One told me about a guy that after a date said to her he thought she would be good in bed. She never went out with him again and a few months later he called her and asked if she was tired of waiting for sex. It sounds like the dating world has changed over the last ten years.
I hope you had a great time last night.
If you continue your contact with her it may make it harder for you to move on.
Hi, Laura-
I just cleaned up Christmas tree AGAIN! The tree is now leaning. Please make it till the 25th!!
I am happy you had an ok time last night. I am proud of you for going! What a step in the right direction for you. I did sleep, but do remember Michael being in my dream, not in a good way. Luckily, I cannot remember the details. It is not yet 9 here, and the kids are still asleep, so I got some chores done. I am taking them to their Dad's after lunch today. I will get them back tomorrow :).
No call, no surprise. I am giving him what he asked for...it is difficult. But, I had a thought last night that was helpful. You know how I have these scenarios in my head about the his call to me (the ones where he is sorry and cannot live without me)...this time I had a response for him. The far out fantasy goes that after he gives me his pitch, I pause for about 15 seconds then I tell him that the more time I have had to think about this, he was right. It is not going to work and I am moving on to a better place. First of all, thae call aint gonna happen. Second, like I would not blubber and flounder everywhere to hear those words from him. Oh, well...maybe one day. I guess I am just trying to get some power back here. I feel like this is all his plan and I am just flopping in the breeze.
I ordered 3 books from Amazon. I love to read, so maybe I will learn something while doing something I love...the one about It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken...Don't Call That Man...and Melody Beattie's book about Letting Go. I will let you know how they are. They were all highly rated by readers. What do I have to lose?
I miss him, Laura. I am lonely. I am scared and I am sad.
Well, I am going to begin preparing to cook and get dressed for the day. It is going to be a no make-up day for sure. I cannot wait to hear about your evening! You are in my thoughts and prayers...Donna
PS I think I will get a movie tonight. I am looking for Drama (nothing with a happily ever after!!!!). Any suggestions???
Hi gal raven,
I'm glad that you had a good time! It's good that you met up with some women that you'll be able to do things with. I know what you mean about losing touch with friends who have gotten married and started families. It does take up a lot of time. When I started seeing X, that took up a lot of my time and I didn't spend nearly the amount of time with my friends as I had before. Of course, now, I've sort of lost touch with some of them and that's unfortunate. A lesson for the future, I guess--don't lose touch with people just because you're dating (or even married to) someone.
The dating world seems really scary. I'm not, of course, ready to date anyone, but at some point, I think I'd like to be in a relationship. I hope that most men aren't like the one that your friend described!
Hugs,
Laura
Hi Donna,
You're right--cats and Christmas trees don't mix well, do they? (I assume that's why your tree is leaning!).
I like your new scenario. Even though it would probably not go that way in real life, I think it's good to have those little scenes playing. When you tell him off in your head, it makes you feel a little bit better (I hope) and maybe even makes you start believing a little bit more that this is what you should and would say if the opportunity arises. And it gives you some power, even if it's just in your head for now. That's where getting the power starts.
I've got the book It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken--I just got the actual book yesterday, but I've been listening to the audio version at school during my planning this week. It's good and a little bit funny in places and has some good information. If nothing else, it makes you feel like you're not alone in all of this. Let me know how the others are. Maybe I'll start reading it today.
I know exactly how you feel--lonely, scared and sad. Those are the emotions at the top of my list. I'll be glad when I can say good-bye to them, but I'm afraid that they're going to be around for a while. But even though we're lonely, we can know that we're not alone. I just want this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away. I want the lump in my throat to go away. I want the tears that are constantly threatening to spill over to go away. In time, all these things will go away, but it's so hard right now.
I'll see if I can think of a good movie for you--you definitely don't want any kind of love story, that's for sure. You would think that I could come up with one, as many movies as I've been to over the past few years! I'll let you know if i think of one.
Love, Laura
Well, good morning again!
I loved your post. We must have been writing at the same time! I am happy the party went ok and you only had to field one question about your X. It sounds beautiful where you were. I am glad that you did not slide off anywhere!!!!! ;)
Wow...I know your heart must have hit the floor when you got her card. It sounds like you two had a really nice relationship. I think it would be good of you to write her a short version of what happened to you and her dad. I do think she should know. I am sad that he did not even tell her. I feel like we have had these doors slammed in our faces, yet we still need to do the clean-up. They just walk away from it. I am sorry about church, as well. I do not think I could go back, either. I think God and the pastor will understand. Let me know what you decide about his daughter...it may be a good thing for you, one more step in the process of moving on.
I hope that today is ok for you. I feel that the card sort of dredged things up. Just when you kind of sort of get used to something, a surprise crops up. Do you have any plans for the day? I hope whatever you do will bring you peace. I wish you were here to take a ride with me to bring the kids. It will be a long ride home, just me and my thoughts. I will hope my cell phone rings, and it will be him. Perhaps I should turn it off and leave it here.
I do not know what to tell you about sending a sealed letter via his daughter. I know you have things you want to say to him, and rightfully so! It was like I was saying before, I feel they have all the power here. I guess you need to ask yourself if that will be enough, if it will make you feel better. I think you need to do whatever YOU think will make YOU better. This is about you now.
I feel the urge to call, feel the urge to e-mail. For what???? Yes, it will be a hard day. This is why I need to find a movie to watch. It is an escape, just for a little while.
I understand what you said about the young teachers (and you are FAR from old, my dear!!!!!!! I am right behind you!!!!)with their relationships and engagements, etc...It kills me. Part of me says I am very done with even the hope of finding someone, yet another part of me wants someone to be there for me, to take care of me for 5 minutes!!! I am just very tired from all of this. I pray to not look at my circumstances today, to just be...do not know HOW to do this yet...
I cannot help but wonder why all of this is happening. It sucks and it hurts and is making me crazy.
Post frequently and I will check frequently!!!!! Lots of love, hugs and prayers to you. Donna
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