Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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Hello, Laura!!!!!!
Yep...they are the reason my tree is the leaning tower of Christmas :0. I am glad the book is good. I even paid extra for fast shipping! I need all the help I can get.
I am reding James Frey's book MY FRIEND LEONARD. He also wrote A MILLION LITTLE PIECES, a book about his addiction and his stay in rehab. A wonderful book, it gave me some insight to Michael's alcoholism. How the addict does not feel he deserves love and they destroy what is good in their lives. Anyway, in the book, James gets out of jail (all true) and he goes to get his girlfriend who he met in rehab, the love of his life. When he gets to the halfway house where she was living, he found that she had committed suicide the night before his release becuase her grandmother died. He talks about his feelings about the loss and I could identify..."The pain I feel the sadness the sorrow the grief that are with me all day every second in every breath and beat of my heart in every thought in every step in everything I see and hear there is nothing but pain and sadness and sorrow and grief..." " A hole in my chest that cannot be filled. A wound that is leaking. A break that I cannot repair , I'm broken and I cannot fix myself and there is nothing I can do." I would say that this is my location today.
Hope you are doing ok...hugs and more hugs...Love, Donna
That's quite descriptive and very accurate, unfortunately. I'm just writing a short note now--my mom just called and asked if I wanted to go with them to get some lunch, so I think I'll do that. It will be good for me and them. I'll be thinking about you as you're taking your kids to see their dad. I'll check in later!
Hugs,
Love, Laura
Ugh, getting that Christmas card must have been tough! Do you have the type of relationship where you can call her? I do think she should be told, but getting a note seems like it could be more of a shock to her than a phone call from you.
I don't think it's a good idea to use her as an intermediary for a note to him though. I totally understand why you want to communicate with him (I'm having trouble dealing with the one-sidedness of my situation, too), but I'm not sure it's fair to put her in the middle. Does he have email so you could write to him that way?
Sheri
Hi, Laura-
Well, I am off. Hope you had a great time with your parents. I will check on you later. I should not be long, I do not hang around.
Much Love, Donna
Hi Sheri,
It was kind of tough, but for some reason, it also seemed somewhat of a relief. I don't know why, except maybe it showed me that he did tell the truth about not telling her and so it's not like she's in on something? I don't know. I agree with you that I don't want to put her in the middle. Right now, I feel like she's in the same position as I am, sort of (though she doesn't know it yet). I'm thinking of simply sending her a Christmas card, like I would have normally, for right now and then maybe sending her a note later on. If she has been trying at all to contact him, she may well get in touch with me. I've never really called her for anything before and I don't think I could keep myself together enough to initiate a conversation with her. I don't know, this is just something that I'm going to have to mull over.
X had an email address, and I did send something to it, which didn't bounce back, but that doesn't mean that he got it. In his letter, he said that there would be no phone, cell, email or address, which would make me think that he doesn't use the email anymore. It was through a local ISP, so if he went out of state, he probably wouldn't. I need to keep telling myself that he left, so obviously HE DOES NOT WANT CONTACT WITH ME. But it's just so easy to come up with all these different scenarios where I tell him what I think. I guess I spent most of our relationship not asking questions and not telling him when he did something that hurt my feelings, so now I feel like I want to tell him (a little late!).
Thanks, as always for your support. It's always nice seeing a post from you. I know that you understand I lot of what I'm feeling. How are you doing? Do you feel like you're moving past wanting answers to all the questions and moving toward accepting the situation? Let me know how you're doing.
Hugs, Laura
Hi Donna,
Well, I wouldn't say that it was fun, exactly, but it did get us all out of our respective houses! We had lunch at a bagel place that X and I used to go to sometimes and so that was hard, but I didn't object because I know that I can't avoid all the places that we used to go. And it wasn't too awful. I do feel like I had a lump in my throat all day, but I managed to keep it all in check.
After lunch, we went a couple of places so that I could look at quilts/bedspreads. X gave me one our first Christmas together that I've never been wild about, but that I used because he had given it to me. Now I can get rid of it! But I didn't find anything that I really loved, so I'm going to keep looking.
Let me know how your day has been. I know this has to have been very hard.
Love, Laura
I wanted to see how you're doing--check in when you get the chance. Sending you hugs.
Love, Laura
Laura-
I am in so much pain right now, thanks to my foolishness. I will write more when I collect myself...
I'm glad that you posted--I've been worried that maybe something didn't go well. I'm here for you. Please post when you can. I'll be up for a while yet. Take some deep breaths and try to get yourself together. I'm sending you all the hugs and prayers and positive feeling that I can muster.
Love, Laura
Hello, Laura-
Well, all went well with dropping off the kids. I miss them so much. I could not stop myself from going to Michaels' house. He was sleeping when I got there. I did not call for fear he would not answer the phone. So, I went in and we talked. He said nothing had changed in the last 2 weeks, that we cannot jump into this relationship again without healing. He also said after the last arguement we had, he was not sure we could ever go back (this was the evening his x called and he lied and I wound up calling him a drunk and telling him that I was getting nothing of him, but everyone else was getting everything). Anyway, I told him his calls were killing me, and that I wanted him to tell me that we were done and that I was free to go and that there would be no contact. He said that I was free to go then his phone rang (it was a male friend telling him he was getting engaged). He told the guy that he would call him back, and he came back and sat down. I asked him if I could get something for him out of my car. I came back in to find him crying on the couch. I held him and we both cried and cried.
Needless to say, he began to talk a little more. He said that he knows he has hurt me and his choices have hurt me and he cannot do this anymore. The death of his grandfather and the abuse has changed him, and he is not where I am. He is not ready to settle down. I told him that I was not the one speaking of marriage and having kids or changing him, and he said he knows this. He said we both have a lot to heal from and the contact may retard this process. I asked him if he knew how much I loved him and how much this hurt and he said he did. He said he loves me, but he is not right for me right now and I am not right for him (that smarted). I asked him if he ever thinks of me and he says he does. I cried so much. We then made love ( I will regret this) and for an instant it gave me hope that everything was ok. Not so...he got dressed and I got dressed and we talked some more. I asked him if he told his mom and he said no, he had not told her that we broke up (another ouch). I told him I did not want his mother to think I mistreated him, and he said that she knows him, knows what he does (drinks and parties)and she would not want that for me or my kids and that she loves me. He said if we do not part, we will be right back in pain in no time, deeper wounds till we both hate each other. He is right. I am miserable. I am no more dumped than I was 2 weeks ago, but it still is killing me.
How low will I go? I hope I have helped someone out there to be stronger than I am. This is an addiction, a miserable addiction. How do I heal? I do I go on? How do I have hope that anything will change?
I am holding on to the fact that my kids come home tomorrow. Tonight I grieve, tomorrow I begin again...
Forgive me for being weak, Laura. Thank you for all of your help and support. MUCH, MUCH love, Donna
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