Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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Oh, Donna, I'm sending all the good feelings that I can. Do not apologize for being weak--you're human. I know you've got to be feeling horrible right now and lonely. I'll tell you the things that you already know. He could not be good for you in the condition that he is in right now. And it doesn't sound like he is ready to get help for himself. I konw that you're in pain now, but think about the pain that you've been in for the past 6 months. The pain that you have tonight is more intense, more gut-wrenching, more miserable, but it will not be as long-lasting as the pain you would face if you were with him. He has hurt you tremendously and even though he may be sorry for having done that, it doesn't change what he did. If you were with him now, he would hurt you again because he cannot give you what you deserve and you would want more.
I know that nothing that I can say right now will take away the raw pain that you're feeling. This has got to be a hard night for you. Try to concentrate on tomorrow when your kids are home again--hold on to that. If you need to, write down all the reasons why you shouldn't be with him--write down everything. Write down the ways that he has hurt you, the reasons why you would be more miserable with him than without him--get it all out. Then, take a bath, try to relax, watch something stupid on TV, read, shop on the internet--anything to get your mind to focus on something besides him. I hope that you can find enough peace within yourself to be able to relax and sleep.
I wish that I could wave a wand and take away your pain. Over the past few days, we've been such supporters of each other! I'll continue to be here for you and I'll be praying for you.
Many, many hugs and much love, Laura
Donna,
I'm new to posting here, but please stop beating yourself up about what happened. I too was once in love with an alcoholic(long time ago)and it is never easy. Especially when his family thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, and then you want to live up to their expectation and fix him somehow. No one can help him unless or until he is ready to be helped. He has to hit rock bottom and you need to let him. My long ago ex was a gentle soul, but even the love of a good woman (that would be me) and an adorable daughter couldn't help him conquer his addiction. I actually had to leave the state to finally let go. My father was an alcoholic so I think I thought it was my chance to make a difference in someone else's life.
It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but you need to let him fail or succeed on his own. If he wants to seek treatment you can decide if you should stand by him, but no one can make him get help. My long ago ex has never as far as I know gotten help and I still feel guilty at times. I do know that his family fully understood that I could only do so much and they actually helped me to let go.
Hang in there, this to shall pass.
Leslie
Hi, Laura-
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate all of the things you mentioned, and I know that every one of them is right. He is not right for me or my kids right now. He is an alcoholic in a lot of pain. I would have to battle these issues if I were with him, and I do not want that for us. He is right...if this were to continue the hurt would, as well. Neither of us want that. My head is very clear that this is right. My heart is killing me. I was convinced and convicted in my soul that he was "the one" the soul mate you hear about. And this is how it was for about 18 months. You are right, the last 6 have been hell. I am tired of hell.
I am going to be alright, I promise. For some reason, I needed to go there and there was no turning back. And in a way, it was good that I did, because I have been clinging to a molecule of hope. I needed to see him cry and in pain. I needed to hear that he loves me and the truth that we are poison to each other right now. I have to concentrate on getting well and being the best mommy I can be. He needs to heal from his wounds. Neither of us stand a chance in any capacity if we do not take care of ourselves. I cannot take care of him at the expense of my kids and myself any longer.
Thank you for being so wonderful to me. I am blessed to have come across this site and you. I hope that things are peaceful for you tonight. I look forward to hearing from you. I promise that I am ok. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love and infinite thank you's...Donna
Hi, Leslie-
Thank you for your thoughts. It is a terrible place to be. I love this man. Alcohol has ruined this relationship. I know that I should be thankful that it never got to the point of marriage or had a major impact on my kids (they knew him, but on a very limited basis until I was sure of where this was going). It is hard, because I see a man with so much potential throwing his life away. He is drinking away the pain, I know. And I know that he will not get help until HE is ready. All I know is that I love him and I do not know how to stop.
Thank you for listening to me. It is helpful to know I am not alone here.
Love, Donna
I think you're right that maybe you needed this to see what you already knew--that this isn't right, that it would only bring you a world of pain. I know you're going to be alright--better than alright. It will just take some time. You will take care of yourself and your kids and you will get through this. Much love and hugs to you tonight.
Love, Laura
Hello, Laura-
Thank you so much. I just talked to Hannah, and she sounds fine. I am going to get a hot bath and read. You are an angel. I hope your night is restful and tomorrow is peaceful. I am so glad it is not this time last week for you. Look how far you have come already! I am proud of you.
I am blessed to have you. Goodnight and I will talk to you in a bit. Much Love and prayers...Donna
Donna,
You don't have to stop loving him, but you do need to stop enabling him. I know I sound like a self help book, but looking back that is what I did. I made excuses for him and justified his behavior. It sounds like you have done a wonderful job of placing your kids first. I have no children so I can only imagine what it must be like to carry on for their sake when you are hurting so much. If you are a spiritual person keep your ex in your prayers, but try your best to get on with your life. You are not responsible for his pain.
My thoughts are with you.
Leslie
Hi, Leslie-
You are right. I feel my being in his life has enabled him to a degree. Just my being there, if that makes sense. I gave him love and stability and a promise that I would stick with him. To a point, I feel like a failure because I was not enough to fix him. I feel like I let him down. I know that he has to want the help and only he can do it. I know I am not responsible, and his pain is not mine. I will do my best to get on...it just hurts so much because I love him so much.
Thanks for everything. I will keep you in my prayers, as well. :) Love, Donna
I just wanted to send you a short message before I go to work. I hope that you're feeling okay this morning--you definitely had a rough day yesterday. Think about your kids coming home tonight and know that today has to be better than yesterday, right? I hope you have a good day at work and that you can take your mind off of M. for a bit (hard to do, I know). Sending you tons of hugs...
Love, Laura
Good Morning, Laura-
Thanks for checking on me. I am ok. I did not sleep too well, but I am up now and getting ready. I am looking forward to the kids today :). Yes, today has to be better. I am going to look into taking some time off of school to concentrate on being a mom, getting better and fixing my house. It is all too much to handle. I admit that I am overwhelmed and need some time to get better without having to deal with the grind at work. Work has become so unimportant to me at this point that I am not doing my best. Please pray that this door will open for me.
I hope that you are well. I look forward to writing this afternoon. Any decisions on if you will contact x's daughter? I hope today is peaceful and productive for you. Much Love, Donna
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