Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
124
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:47pm

Hi Donna,
Well, made it through a Monday. I hope that your day was good and that you're looking forward to having your kids home tonight.

Will your school system allow you to take some sort of leave? I can see how it might help in your situation--you have the kids to take care of and the house to deal with. For me, I think something like that would be the kiss of death. At this point, I'm glad to have school to go to. It's where I'm not just focusing on my woes all the time. It's distracting and gives me a purpose, I guess. The way I'm going, I'll be super-teacher before long, lol! I definitely will have more time to put into school stuff and that's where I think I need to focus my thoughts right now. It's not easy, because my mind is still not totally on what I'm doing during class, but it helps somewhat. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the Christmas vacation. I'll have to plan a lot of stuff to do.

I'm planning a trip with students for 2007 and last week was when the first deposits started coming in and I truly couldn't have cared less. Thinking about the trip is painful because X went with me on the last two, so I'm thinking about how this one will be different. This trip includes some romantic places in Italy that I was looking forward to seeing with X. Of course, it's a long way off, so I certainly hope I'll feel better by then!

I decided to send his daughter a Christmas card just as I normally would have. I signed it "Love you lots", which is true, and is what I normally would have written. I'll decide later whether I want to send anything else. If she has tried to call him and realizes that his phone is cut off, or if she doesn't hear from him after a time, she may contact me. I just can't imagine that he would never contact her. It doesn't seem possible. I totally believe that he would make the plans and leave without telling her, but I think that eventually he will make contact with her.

Today I've been thinking a lot about places that we went together, good times we had, etc. Little memory flashes just seem to come into my mind unbidden. I keep thinking, "Well, I wonder if he was planning to leave when we were (fill in the blank)?" I know it doesn't matter, it doesn't change the outcome--I just hate having unanswered questions. I think that he probably convinced himself that leaving this way was best for him (well, we know it was easiest for him) and for me. I don't know if that's really true, but it helps to think that. I wish I knew that he did care about me. I think that he did, maybe not in the way I wanted him to, but he did. I've also been thinking that maybe he will call after some time has passed, just to make sure I'm okay. I know that's probably not going to happen, but, for example, yesterday I found myself wanting to get home, just in case he had called and left a message. HELLO-OO! HE LEFT WITHOUT TELLING ME!! He left a note and I'm sure that's all he plans to do, but there's a part of my brain that keeps thinking that he cares enough to want to talk to me to make sure that I'm okay. Stupid, I know, but I guess it's normal to want that. I think I need to do what's been suggested on other posts--write down all the bad things about the relationship, all the things that made me suspicious, all the things that just didn't seem "right".

Okay, enough of a rant for now. More later, I'm sure.

Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 7:56pm

Hi, Laura...

I am finally home. Hannah had late ball practice, and we are just getting here. I am tired! I will write more very shortly. Thanks for thinking about me. Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 9:06pm

Hi, Super Teacher :)!!!!

I am glad you are finding an outlet with your job. It must feel great not to concentrate on x all of the day. That can make for a verrryyyyy long day. I called about a leave. It is a sabbatical and I will lose 35% of my pay, if I apply and it is granted. I am tired of being tired, and I need to concentrate on getting my house back to normal, even though nothing else is. I also want to be more available to my kids and there is just too much on the old plate at this time.

I am glad you decided what to do with the card to your x's daughter. I really feel in my heart that you will get the answers you need. I feel I want to write Michael's mom to say goodbye and beg her to try to get him some help. I just do not want to sound like a bitter ex-girlfriend. I would not do it out of malice or with an expectation of anything in return. It would be out of love and concern for Michael. I am not certain what to do...advice????

Your trip sounds like something to keep you going, to look forward to! You will be much better by then, but I know it does not feel that way. I am one to talk...I feel like I will feel like this forever. It has been a hard, trying day.

Those uninvited thoughts sure are pests. I do not think anything you thought was silly in any way. You deserve answers. Who flies home to check her caller id???? I think it is natural to want resolution and to want the pain to go away. To hope for a miracle and to wake up from this ongoing nightmare. I am certain he cared about you, and he did convince himself that this was the best for you both (just like M did, and I have no say!!!) and he probably could not look into your eyes and tell you goodbye. I think everything you are thinking is a very natural reaction to the whole mess.

I found myself very teary today. And angry and sad and mad and hurt and hopeful and in pure agony. It comes over me in waves of hurt when I think of something we did together or something he said that was funny. I want him to call me, but I know it is for nothing. My friend tells me to let him miss me, let him get it together. I am just afraid I will be waiting for something that just will not be. I get angry because I have no control over it, It is what it is and I am supposed to just like it. Well, I don't!!!!!!

I hope you have a great evening. I cannot wait to read your next post. You are a blessing. Much Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 9:45pm

Hi Donna,
I just had a bit of a crying session. I'm just so f*** angry, so mad, so hurt, so sad, so devastated. I loved him for over 4 years and stuck with him when things weren't great and this is what he does? Other people seem to think I'm a pretty good person, so what's wrong with him? What's wrong with me? Why couldn't he be a man about it? Why did he have to leave? What does some other woman have to give him that I don't have when I gave him everything? And as much as I would like to believe what he wrote in the letter about going off to make his book and business a success, it just doesn't make sense, so I can only assume that he has found someone else. And what was he doing looking for someone else when he was with me? Was I just someone to occupy his time until someone better came along?

I guess this is the ugly cry that I kept waiting for. I thought I was doing pretty well tonight and then it just snapped. I know life isn't fair, I say that all the time, but this just ISN'T FAIR!! I know this is normal and that I need to feel the pain to get through this mess, but I hate it. I hate it. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people (wait a minute, I think there's a book about that, lol).

Okay, I think that the tears are drying up a little. Monday is a night that we almost always spent together and I guess I started thinking about that. It's just like you said, Donna--I feel like I have no control. Everything is out of my hands and there's nothing I can do about it. I've kept telling myself that's a blessing in some ways (as in, I can't call him), but it just makes me feel powerless.

I'm calmer now. I'm glad that you found out about the sabbatical. How long could you take? 35% pay cut doesn't seem too bad for that sort of leave. It would give you time to concentrate on getting things in order and to get through this without the stress of work.

I think a card to M's mother might be okay as long as you kept the tone on a certain level. I think I would wait until after Christmas and make sure that your motive is not to maintain contact with him, even in an indirect way. I don't know how close you are to his mother, but if I were you, I wouldn't go into details about anything, just perhaps suggest that M. needs some support right now and you aren't the one who can give it to him. If you want to send a Christmas card, I would do that with no reference to the breakup or problems or anything like that.

Thanks for being there, as always, Donna. I always look forward to reading your posts to see how things are going and I know that you'll be there to read mine! I'm feeling better than I was when I started writing this post. Getting things out always helps. I'll just consider this one cry closer to being "healed". I understand exactly what you mean when you say that "waves of hurt" hit you when you think about something funny he said or something you did together. X and I had some silly little jokes and sayings and I seem to get reminded of them too frequently. I know it's only been a week and I know this will pass.

Well, I think I've worn myself out now and it's time to go to bed. I hope that you have a good evening and that you will get a peaceful sleep. I think that last night was the first night that I didn't wake up at 3:00 or 3:30, so that was good. Thank you again, Donna, for listening!
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:00pm

Good Morning, Laura-

I hope that you had another peaceful night of sleep. I am sorry that you felt such hurt, but I am glad it finally came out. That is step in the right direction. It is awfully painful, it is NOT fair and it sucks the worst of anything in the world. I have felt all of the things you are feeling over the course of this. You are right, it is devastating. I want to know why and I want to know right now!!!! I understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! But you are doing ok. You have been so very strong and you will continue to be. I think stuff like these big cries will happen, but hopefully they will get farther apart. Laura, it is a sadness that I did not even experience in the midst of my divorce. I hear the only way to the other side is through it. I feel your x and M will continue to avoid and keep moving. They will never be happy because they cannot face the pain and the agony. We are strong enough to face it, stare it down and fight it off. They are not. M drinks it away and x runs away. It is not about us not being good enough...it is about them not loving themselves enough to accept goodness and love of good women. A friend of mine pointed out that I would have given anything and everything up for M, that just maybe I dodged a bullet. I will try to believe that, at least for today to help me get through. I hope I can see this one day. I do not want to bitter 10 years from now about this.

The change in the routine is so hard. I used to spend the nights my kids were at dad's. We used to talk 4 or 5 times a day. I could tell him anything and he always made me laugh. He made me feel normal and pretty, things I have never felt. This is so hard to let go of. I should think of the times he made me cry with his entourage of exes in tow, the times he was embarassingly drunk, etc...

And then there is lovely Christmas. Merry Christmas to me. I just want to sleep until it is alllllll over, including New Years. New Years, a time for lovers to kiss and commit. A time for Donna to sit on her couch and cry like an ass. You are correct, IT IS NOT FAIR.

I hope that you have a good day at work. A fast one, too. I have a meeting tomorrow that a mutual friend of ours will be. I am sure she will ask about him. I do not think I can form the words that we are no longer together, much less say them. I am going to pray fopr our recovery and peace along the way. I am thinking of you. I will talk to you later!!!!!! Much Love and Hugs and Hope to you...Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:05am

Hello, Laura-

Hope this morning finds you feeling somewhat better. I woke up in a bad place...my dreams were awful. M was with someone else, yet I was stubborn and went out to buy him birthday gifts. I went to his house to drop them off, and there were hi x's shoes sitting right next to his. I feel physically ill.

When will this stop? It is a punishment.

Hope you have an ok day. I will check on you later...Much love, support and prayers...Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:18am

Good morning Donna,
Thank you for the words that you wrote last night. Everything you say is true and I'm going to go back and read it again when I have more time. I'm sorry that you had such awful dreams last night. That's one thing that I've not had to deal with much--either I'm not dreaming about it or I just don't remember them. Last night, I don't think I moved at all from the time I fell asleep to the time I woke up, and I even fell asleep with my glasses on (I was watching TV)!

Today I'm helping to do an inservice at school, so I won't be with my students, but I'll be helping to teach teachers how to use digital imaging. I enjoy doing that, so I hope that it will be an okay day.

I hope that your day gets better and better. hugs, hugs, hugs,
Love, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 5:45pm

Hello, Laura-

I hope that you had a great day with your in service. That was a change of pace for you! My sheet rock man just left-I cannot believe he showed up EARLY! They should be able to take care of it next week. A miracle.

Speaking of miracles, I think I am mad at God right now. I am stuck in the mode that things will always be this way. The last few years have been very trying for me. I keep hoping for some peace. I feel he brought M in to my life to help me along, show me how to feel again, love again, laugh again. But, I would have rathered never to have had it then to lose it. It is so, so painful. I guess I am still trying to do it my way. I guess I am thinking that everything would be fine if he'd bring M back to me. I know I do not know best. I am just tired of this level of pain and hurt and wonder if it will ever end. How do you turn things over to God? I feel so out of control and my constant thinking is a way to try to get control over it, but it is not working. I want my best friend and love of my life back. I just do.

My phone rang at 10:30 last night. I awoke out of a dead sleep and I thought, THIS IS IT!! HE CANNOT DO THIS! HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME! Not....it was a friend of mine from work who is also having a difficult relationship. What is wrong with me????

All day today has been a roller coaster ride. I am pissed, I am sad, I am crying then I am hopeful. The hopeful lasts about 10 seconds when I start to think about his drinking and his ways. Why could my love not be enough? It makes me feel like I am damaged goods, but in reality, HE is. THEY are. We are not.

He is busy with his play this week. His highschool drama group is putting on FAME. I was going to go, but on Sunday he decided it would not be such a good idea. His family is coming in, as well. I guess when his mom sees no pictures of me in his house, she will ask questions. It makes me so, sad, so final as it all is. I miss the little things the most...the way he looked at me, the way we could talk for hours, the amount of trust I had in him was unreal. I cannot EVER imagine letting anyone that close to me again. Sad. I am very sad.

I am so glad that you have had good rest and a day you were looking forward to. Cannot wait to hear how it all went!

Much love and hope you are doing BETTER! Love, Donna

Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 5:49pm

Hi Donna,
I hope that your day got better as it went along and that your bad dreams didn't mess up the whole day. How did the meeting with your friend go? I hope you didn't have to face too many awkward moments. I had a busy day. I helped teach the inservice, but I was still at my school and the sub that I had is a very nice woman, but one who is very talkative and always asks questions like, "So, do you have a ring yet?". I just dreaded seeing her because I was afraid that she would ask something like that, but FORTUNATELY, she didn't. So either she didn't think about it or someone had already told her. I know that seems like a small thing to worry about, but I just didn't want to deal with the questions, you know? Like, "Are you and X doing anything special for Christmas?" Answer--Well, HE might be, but as for me, I'm going to sit home and feel sorry for myself. (I know what you mean about New Year's Eve--it's not a night when we did anything special, but it's just such a "couple's" evening-ugh).

You are so right when you say that we are stronger than they are! Good point! They can't face up to life, they can't accept the love that we tried to bestow on them, and they aren't men enough to deal with the relationships the way they should. So why are we the ones in such pain? Life's not fair, as I believe both you and I have mentioned. We'll get through this and we'll be stronger for it (though I don't think we're feeling too strong right now), but we will not let this experience make us bitter. They will just continue to be their stupid cowardly selves, they won't have grown as human beings AND they will have lost the best women who ever came into their lives!

So, I'm trying to convince myself that the previous paragraph is true and though my head knows it probably is, it's still difficult to get that through to my heart. I teared up several times today, but managed to stay in control. I'm having a hard time separating my pain over this breakup from my pain and fear resulting from my parents' problems. It just all seems too much. I'm tired of trying to deal with it all. Just tired. Like you, I'd like to fall asleep and wake up when all this mess is gone.

Well, I really want to know about your day, how you're doing, etc. Write when you have time! Sending you many hugs and positive feelings!
Love, Laura

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Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:04pm

Hi Donna,
It's so funny that several times we have apparently been posting at the same time! Weird!

I'm so happy that your sheet rock man showed up! Actually, I can't claim to know exactly what sheet rock is, but I think it has something to do with walls or ceilings, so I know that's pretty important! I know that you will feel somewhat better when the repairs on the house are underway.

I don't know how to turn things over to God either. I'm having a really difficult time with that. Forgive me if I've already written some of this. When X and I met, I was, I suppose, agnostic. I wasn't sure what I believed, had a lot of questions, etc. With X being a former pastor and a Christian counselor, we had a lot of conversations about this subject. I started going to church with him and eventually became a Christian. When our relationship wasn't going the way I wanted it to, I prayed every day "God, please let X feel how much I love him and help him to love me in return." Sometimes I felt like God was answering that prayer and sometimes not. I used to ask God to keep us together, to show me that this was the right relationship, etc. I think I got the answer many times, but since it wasn't the answer that I wanted, I chose to ignore it. Anyway, I'm confused about the whole situation myself. I don't know if I'm mad at God, exactly, but I'm very wary about people who claim to be Christians, but then act the way X did. And yes, I guess I probably am mad at God. I wonder why he let X come into my life if it was going to end up making me feel this way. So I understand what you're feeling, but I don't have answers. I don't think I can go back to our church--too many questions, too many memories, but I don't know if I'll ever start going somewhere else. I did email the church secretary yesterday and ask her to put me and my family on the prayer list, so I guess that I'm still hoping for some divine comfort. Sometimes I'm able to pray and ask God just to help me get through this.

I don't think your reaction to hearing the phone ring last night was at all abnormal. I still, in the back of my mind, am hoping that when I get home from school, there will be a message from X on my answering maching--not bloody likely, but I still look.

Like you, I wonder why my love wasn't enough to make X happy, to keep him here. I have no answers for that and I just have to keep telling myself that he's the one with the problems, not me. But I'm the one with the pain.

I hope that you have a relaxing evening. Any plans with the kids? Anything good for dinner? lol

Love, Laura

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