disgusted, cant keep doing this
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| Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:15pm |
Jack (42 yrs old) and I (36 yrs old) met 7 months ago. He had been divorced for over a year, and has partial custody of 5 year old daughter. In the beginning we talked a lot about what we had been through relationship wise, and were honest with each other about not being sure what we wanted in the future. I had just gotten out of a 5 month relationship with someone who broke up with me, I was upset about how he treated me at the end,and how insensitive he was toward me. So I was hesitant to go out with Jack, but I did because it felt so right. We got along so well, and I trusted him, so I decided to take a chance.He treated me better than anyone in the past, and it was all very natural, fun, & caring. I felt we had a strong sense of trust between eachother, and he really liked being with me. He communicated very well with me, more than any other guy had in the past and I was elated. IN the past 4 months or so, I had started spending more time with him and his daughter, and staying at his house spending a lot of time with them on weekends. I one day asked him if he thinks he wants to someday get married. I made the mistake of saying I dont want to date someone if they dont want to get married. He said he thinks so. A couple of months went by and I was becoming closer with him and his daughter. A few weeks ago he started calling less and seeming not to be as caring toward me. He was distancing himself. I called him and asked if something was wrong. He said no. Then almost a week goes by. He calls me and says I dont think I want to date anyone right now. He said I dont want to get married, and I dont want to waste your time.
I told him I just enjoy being with him and Im not on a timeline for marriage. He didnt have much else to say. He said it felt fake. He thought I was being fake that I wasnt really as nice as I seem, and when you get married it all changes, and the niceness goes away. He also hinted that I was too agreeable and not telling him what I really wanted. He has really bad feelings about marriage. I can tell he is scared. He said he has baggage, and its too soon to be dating someone after he got divorced.
I understand where I made mistakes, not really thinking about what I want - whether marriage is really that big of a priority for me, or will it be someday, and I shouldnt have been spending so much time with him and neglecting myself and my own life. He said he felt closed in by me lately. I said it would have been better if you tell me when its going on and not let it all build up til you just explode and end the whole thing.
I feel a little shocked over the suddenness of him just ending it. I cant believe he wouldnt want to try to work it out. I understand his baggage issues, but dont understand he just wants to not see me at all after 7 months and he always expressed how lucky he was to find me and how I would have to break up with him, because he isnt going to break up with me. He had asked me 'how long will it be this good' a few times. I told him , always, Im not changing.
I am so sad over this, because I felt like we really were close, and he was like my best friend. I had never been in a relationship this good in my life. Is he thinking it through? Will he change his mind about losing me from his life? I think he has to miss me. We spent all our free time with one another.
I told him the things I shouldnt have done (given both of us space, give him alone time with his daughter, not give an ultimatum about marriage). I also told him he has an open door if he decides to try again without the things that were stressing him. Reduce expectations.
I dont know if he will and its kind of driving me crazy. I am thinking about things 24/7. I am reading a good book called 'make up, dont breakup'. It is helping me realize where I went wrong and the differences between men and women, and the amount of work that needs to go into the relationship. And I am realizing how much I have sacrificed of myself, and the rejection/abandonment issues I have. I was a little insecure, and made him a little stressed. I dont even know if he feels sad at all over ending it. I havent heard from him since the night he called. That was almost 2 weeks ago.
I just cant keep doing these short term relationships. I have no interest in dating anyone anymore, except Jack, if he wanted to try again. I cant keep getting wrecked like this. I have been physically sick over it. I am really beginning to consider the possiblity that marriage should not be a part of my future. Its not just because he doesnt want it. Its because I dont think I want to risk the possibility of divorce. Im tired of trying to find Mr Right for me, only to be disappointed and dumped. I am very sensitive. Things were good the way they were. I dont think I need marriage.
I just want us to be together again, and share each others lives, and enjoy the friendship and the trust and caring that we had. Its going to take me a long time to get over this one, if ever.
Has anyone else chosen not to be married, but stayed in long term relationships, and felt satisfied without having the commitment of marriage? I am thinking this might be something I will choose. I am good on my own, but I like having someone in my life too. But I wont be dating again for a long time.

First, realize what "infatuation" is. IT's a period whre the sexual chemistry and flirtation and desire for one another are intense....and that makes you feel "good about you". So what you're really involved with and into in the first 3-9 months of any relationship is "how you feel about yourself thanks to theri attention and desire for you." That's on both sides of the coin.
During this period.....people lacking in maturity or life experience tend to talk about "everything I've been put thru and dealt with".....that unloading leads to them believe that they have an in depth understanding of this person.......but it also gives the impression that "he/she understands/appreciates/accepts/admires me for who I am and we want the same things."
Infatuation is a period where you talk in generalities - thinking they're specifics. Where you share hopes, dreams and feelings in vague definition and parameter thinking "they want the same thing, yea!"
So, in the first 3-9 months....while some people make hte huge mistake of thinking they're thinking "this person is a wonderful person based on character and values".......they begin to intertwine an comingle thier lives. They meet children, parents, they talk about the future, they pick out rings or envision "someday" while sitting in front of the fireplace sipping wine.
Infatuation fades....as the reality of life sets in and this person's desire for you and your feelings about theri desire and attention don't "overcome the responsibility of your life" - and now must be incorporated into the responsiblities and obligations that are often put on the back burner, or ignored for awhile during the "heat of infatuation".
Now you're having to consider this person's thoughts, feelings, goals, and needs - equally with your own. Wait - I didn't sign up for more obligation...I signed up for adoration! That is often the cry.
Rebound is when you prioritize everything you weren't getting or never did get in past relationships - while excluding everything that was ever important about past relationships or character traits. But at some point.....the person who's unpredictability you once loved when it was termed spontanety...is now what you are frustrated by when you can't "rely on them". You failed to realize that past partner that was reliable and responsible, perhaps too future focused to be fun in the present......was conducting themselves by a standard that indeed benefitted you in the relationship. This spontaneous person does nothing but "not plan and prepare" and simply expects you to "forget your goals and problems" for a weekend or a night...but yet offers no assistance or reassurance once "real life resumes".
HEre's a tip...parenting is an enormous job and it should be the top priority. IF we really didn't believe that at the core...then more people would seek single parenthood as an initial status...rather than what they end up with as a result of relationship/children.....and divorce or separation. So a person that is having their child interact with adults that they're not committed to as individuals vs. as entities is being irresponsible, immature, self-serving and self-benefitting and it speaks volumes as to their prioritizations, character, and values....none of the message is one of a positive nature.
What he meant was that a relationship of cohabitation has obligation.....to consider you equally with him...and that is not what he wants. He wants to see you on his terms, for his needs......not in a userous "who cares about you" way....but in a way that allows him to have no obligation or requirement to consider you and your needs o feelings - unless he's so inclined.
A 'relationship' doesn't permit that - unless you're going tobe doormat. So you really don't want "him" back......and in the future any person with children that has you interacting with them in any capacity prior to you two as adults making a commitment - is being selfish, irresponsible, immature, and self-benefitting and that is not the type of person you want to intertwine your future with. That simply means that your abilities and talents and options will be utilized for their benefit by them - with no regard for you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com