disgusted with myself
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disgusted with myself
| Sat, 01-07-2006 - 2:58pm |
I spent over 4 years with a man who i assumed was my soulmate. we lived together for 2 years and i often talked about marriage and kids and all that good stuff with him. Even though i am young * only 20 * I have been pretty grown up and on my own for awhile. he was one year older then me and it seems the DAY he turned 21 everything changed. Before he was a "lets stay at home order pizza and watch movies while we snuggle" kind of guy and then all of a sudden he was out at the club with his older brother getting sometimes unconsiously drunk experimenting with drugs and becomming less responsible. 3 months after his change i came home from work to have him tell me he was no longer happy in his life-he was bored and was ready to start a new life. 1 month later him his brother and a roomate got an apt together and i went and found my own roomate. well since we broke up i have not been able to help but call him everyday, do the sweetest things for him * which is totally not how i usually am in a relationship* and come see him whenever HE asks me too. my mom told me i needed to stop being ( in her words!) his back burner bitch and i thought well maybe shes right. it seems that even though he tells me he is still in love with me and still loves spending time with me that im just someone there meant to boost his ego when he is down.it has been 6 months and i am finally at my end. i started a NC thing with him a few weeks ago and didnt talk or text him for over 2 weeks. and then he called me apologizing for something stupid he had done that initiated the whole NC thing and i was trapped again. the thing is i actually felt great during the time we didnt talk. it wasnt hard at all after the first couple of days but its like once i start talking to him i cant stop i become all obsessive again-there is no happy medium for me...so that is why when last weekend ( sunday new years) i asked him what he was up to and he told me that he was actually planning on going on a date that night with a girl he met until i called him. well stupid me i broke down with the thought of him dating other girls. after hearing he is dating several women i had to wonder, wow he really is trying hard to replace me and he is never going to consider being serious with me again no matter how hard i try! so i left and have again began the nc thing. the only problem is i pay him for my car ( he bought it for me last year and i make payments to him) which makes it wierd because hes been calling me all week asking if i had the money ( I have never not paid him so i dont know if this is just his way of getting to talk to me or he really thinks that i would avoid my obligation just because we arnt dating ) it is all just a lot for me to handle right now. im so lost in what to do my mom says she thinks that i should try and stay friends with him but i think that is stupid why would i want to be friends with a guy who broke my heart. besides being 'just' friends is too hard because we had such a good sexual relationship. sigh im just mad at myself because i have overcome so much in my life and i let this one guy tear me down and make me feel so small and so worthless. im disgusted that i did not see the signs and stop immediatley from putting myself in the hook up buddy category. i read so many of your posts on this site and i feel like so many of you all do. when someone else tells you the story of what happened it seems oblivious to the other person like duh just dont talk to him or they say yea its obvious they dont like you. its so easy to give out advice yet so hard to follow. you just hope that somehow your lucky and things will work out for you even though in the back of your head it is a lost cause. i am sorry for rambling on here i just felt like if i didnt get this out somewhere somehow i would EXPLODE!!! i am certain my friends and family have heard enough of his name. i myself am getting tired thinking of him. thanks for listening-or in this case reading i hope to stick around as many of you seem like great and intersting people!

I understand. I feel the same way you do right now. It sucks, and it hurts. It will be impossible to stay friends. The cycle will start all over again, because if the sex is good he will come back because it is familiar. You deserve someone who is as taken my you as you are with him. You want a guy that will be so enchanted by you that he doesn't even think of other girls.
I know you hate to hear that you are young. I am 28, and I feel over the hill. This guy that I was dating--he was everything to me. He made me laugh, the sex was great, he was smart, witty, goofy, charming...and just not as into me as I was him. It SUCKS, doesn't it? But I know, from the past, that there will come a time that we will look back and not even care about them anymore. We won't cry any more, we won't obsess about them, and we won't want them back. That time can't come soon enough for me though! Hope you get through this.