Do breaks really work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Do breaks really work?
8
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:52pm
still tough...for now i'm taking this thread down. thanks


Edited 10/19/2006 11:44 am ET by keg9857
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 3:29pm

keg9857...

Pianoguy CAN'T speak for anybody, but himself. But he definitely supports the idea that a BREAK is BETTER THAN A BREAK-UP!

Your b/f (and possible fiancee) sounds pretty busy with his studies. And that's his number 1 priority right now! .

So while you're permitting him to complete what he has to do in order to provide an honest income for himself...and (hopefully) for YOU...why not work on that 'passive control problem' of yours? It's obviously going to be A MAJOR ISSUE should the 2 of you decide to co-habitate and eventually get married?

I know of very few couples who don't argue about SOMETHING once in awhile? But the good ones make an honest effort to resolve the problem and move forward!

One final thought...to both sexes..."choose your battles wisely!" If you go through your entire life looking for problems in a partner, friend or even in a business venture, YOU'LL EASILY FIND ONE OR TWO THAT DON'T EXIST!

And that's a lousy way to live your life, don't you think?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:21pm

Well, I am currently on a "break" for the first time, so maybe I can offer some insight: breaks suck. They are better than break-ups, and can be a necessary step to achieveing the kind of relationship you want with your ex, but they are very difficult at the same time. Ups and downs. Wanting to call him, trying not to, crying, feeling hopeful, feeling helpless, frustration, resentment, love, hate. Every kind of emotion that is included in a break up you will likely experience with a break.

They can work though, and sometimes the couple comes back together even stronger, but I feel it is just as hard to get over as a break up.

I wish you luck, love and lots of hugs :)

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 4:44pm

I agree with PG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 11:45am
again, taking this post down...


Edited 10/19/2006 11:44 am ET by keg9857
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 1:54pm

You're already defeating yourself.

Myspace Codes

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Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:46pm

Hi I am going through the same thing. Our first year was great just recently we have been arguing, partly me and partly him. The big issue was the child/issue for me see my below story.. I wasn’t ready to break it off completely I thought we could work through things except the child thing, as that was dropped on me as a shocker.. I wanted counseling I had mentioned it before as our arguments seemed to be stemming from his past and we weren’t talking like we did in our first year . our first year we always addressed things calmly and communicated then for some reason I felt I was walking on eggshells and our arguments over little things escalated. I admit I was starting to pick on stupid issues , and then the arguments got larger but partly because we both got defensive and also I had some resentment kicking in. he admitted his temper issues but refused to work on . I hd told him a few many times let’s work this out.. so then finally he just said it isn’t going to work, and used our arguments as a red flag that he can’t ignore as he ignored that from his past.. (that was only issue ) and the big shocker was the child
Of course. I know the issue w/ the child was is his issue not mine. But I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I pushed him to this w/ our arguments. If I was happy and light this last mth perhaps that’s what changed his mind on the child and now it’s an out for him.. that’s how I feel but I am sure that isn’t the truth. I just found out sooner than later because i brought everything to the table and was serious about what i wanted in my life.. and that gave him the courage.. but also he didn’t want to work through his issues and I did.
So, But seriously , he was just as wrong. He picked fights too.. even when I went to him calmly about things he got irrational and was difficult to deal with. And that just pushed my buttons
So lift up your chin and stop.. it takes two.. yes it may have been your fault at times but there was a reason and learn to pick your battles next time, but it was also his fault at times too.. give him time to miss you.. not saying it will work out as i don't know the entire situation, or HIM, but just go forward and take of YOU for now.. center yourself. i know it's hard i cry on and off... too..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 4:54pm
taking post down...



Edited 10/19/2006 11:45 am ET by keg9857
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:04am
Agree with all the above, and wish you luck, but don't e-mail him or respond to his e-mails during this break. It's bad enough he said he didn't want to see you for a whole month (as opposed to seeing you only once a week or something rather than every day), but for you to allow him to dictate when and how you will communicate during this break is not smart. He's basically downgraded your relationship from regular face-to-face contact to e-mail when and if HE feels like it. Don't allow him to do this; you are not e-mail pen pals. Let him see what it's like not to have ANY contact with you. Also, after the one month is up, don't respond to his e-mail or phone calls right away, as if you were sitting by ready to pick up where you left off. Ignore him for another week at least. Let him leave at least two voice mail (not e-mail) messages before you call him back. Tell him you spent some time working on yourself and thinking about things, but that you also realized HE had a tendency to be unfair to you by always blaming you, and you're not sure if that kind of relationship is right for you. Otherwise, he'll think that whenever he's mad or stressed, he can pull away with no repurcussions, and you'll be right there waiting -- a sure way to cause him to lose respect for you and the relationship (and not a good precedent). If you do get back together (and I think you will), please don't see him every night again. That could have led to the problems thus far -- too much togetherness -- you are not married or even engaged. Just because he said he "wants to marry you" does not mean he proposed. The idea is to get him to propose, not to spend every waking minute with him NOW so that he'll get bored and think he's not in love with you, when really, it's not that -- he just needs space. You're young and should have your own interests too. Until you're engaged or married, I just don't think it's wise to see a guy every day -- he'll lose interest and start calling you clingy, which is exactly what happened here. Best of luck!!