do i brake up or forgive

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
do i brake up or forgive
1
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 6:14am
Hello people-

ok me and my bf have been dating for 2.5 years and i have confronted him about looking at porn because it fells like he is cheating on me when he looks at it. he promised me that he would stop. well last sunday he looked at it agian i havent said anything to him about it but i know he did. Now on top of this it was just my b-day and he gave me nothing not a present, card, didnt even make anything. he took me out spent about 40 on me but the last thing he gave was on christmas and on his b-day in november i spent 80 on him. for chrismas i spent about 100 and valentines day about 20. i also payed for his vacation about 600 and no all he payed for was about 40$ in gas that was it. i love him like crazy and afraid to be along but lots of guys flirt with me so i propaly could find someone else what would you do?

please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 1:00pm
Hi Stacey,

Looks like there are several things that need to be dealt with here. First of all you should never be afraid to be alone, if you are you really need to spend time with yourself to figure out why. DO you not feel validated unless you are with someone? Have you ever been single for any extended period of time?

You know many people go from one relationship to the next, constantly wondering why they never work out. Usually its because they do not know or love themselves. If you do not know who you are as an individual, what could you possibly have to add to a relationship? Same goes for loving yourself. I think this is a key issue you need to deal with. Be validated by yourself, not by men flirting with you. You are whole and strong and wonderful on your own, a good man is simply the cherry on top!

Now it seems like the issue you are really having trouble with is his lack of attention as opposed to the porn. So deal with the real issues. If everything was great and he paid enough attention to you but also watched porn occasionally would you feel this way? Probably not. So deal with what is really bothering you.

If he isnt paying enough attention to you. Tell him. If bdays are important to you, then let him know. But also remember that it is the thought that counts, not the price tag. Dont play that game of "i bought this or spent that". If you want to give him nice things, do so without tallying up the price tags to use as ammunition for later. Give it selflessly. If he doesnt do the same thing. Let him know how you feel and don't EVER assume that he should just 'know'. Poeple are different and think differently so lay it out there. If you tell him, he understands and still doesnt change, then realize that there are certain things you need in a relationship that he isnt providing. Give him the opportunity to prove himself, but maintain your criteria.

You know love is apowerful thing, it allows us to put things off and accept situations that arent' right for us. Its up to you to decide how much you are willing to take.

Good luck!