Do I go to couples therapy or end it?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:03pm |
Hi all,
Well, here is my problem. I have been with in a relationship for 2 years, I'll call him "BOB". I have a 14 year old son from my previous marriage as does he. My son and "BOB" do not get along. BOB goes out of his way to find reasons to yell at my son. My son and his son are the best of friends and I have a great relationship with his son. My son has not seen his father since he was 3 mos old and on Sat. BOB busted my son in front of three people about not having a Dad. I felt so bad. I treat both boys equally, when I buy for one, I buy for the other. BOB was angry at me for not allowing games installed on the family computer. My son cannot install games so I was not going to let his son do it. Well, to spite me, BOB went out and bought his son a computer...$1200.00 computer for his room. So now, my son feels left out. I let my son have his cousin over so they could go out and was told by BOB that it was not my house and I had no right to give permission. Also, when we moved into the new house in Nov. we got into an argument and he punched me...I needed 4 stitches because the hole in my arm from where he punched me went through the muscle down to the bone. I need to go to an orthopedist because I do not have any range of motion on my arm. BOB tells me I'm being a baby.
My son and I can only do laundry when he says we can, we are not allowed in the garage or the basement, however, his son can go anywhere he wants. BOB tells me that he treats my son this way because he deserves it. I told BOB that my son treats him that way because he doesn't know how to treat my son w/ respect and in order to get respect, you must give respect. My son has never, unless provoked, said anything to him. BOB completely ignores my son unless it is to yell at him.
Anyway, he is saying that everything is my fault. I broke things off w/ him after he once again, insulted my son about his absent dad; something which my son is already upset about. He sees BOB and his son and wished it was him and his dad. It breaks my heart that someone who supposedly loves me (BOB) can't open his heart to my son.
BOB has asked me to go to couples therapy to work things out...but I have a feeling that if I don't get out now, my son will be hurt even more. Please let me know what you think? BOB has given me two weeks to find an apartment. But honestly, living in the same house is rough. Also, I can not live w/ relatives..this is not an option.

Sunshine,
I'm not trying to be mean or harsh, but please read back over your post. Read it over and over again until it makes you as furious as it just made me. Once you feel that anger, go into your bedroom, pack a bag, a bag for your son, and get the hell away from this abusive, controlling a**hole. Go to a hotel, a church, a shelter - anywhere but with him. It's easy to type and a lot harder to do....I know. By staying in this situation all you are telling your son is that this man is more important than your physical well-being and your son's emotional well-being. Let him get counseling on his own. He obviously needs it. Don't invest another second in a life with someone who has so little respect for anyone but himself.
Once you've left, seek some legal advice (there are free services in most towns or counties) on your rights to whatever is yours in the house. Please keep us posted on your progress. You might want to visit another board here at iVillage about abusive partners. Sorry, but I don't know the name right offhand.
Good luck to you. You will need it, but keep remembering how this man has treated you and your son. It can spur you on to a healthier path.
Car
Welcome to the board lil_rayofsunshine,
Reading your post gave me an immediate BAD feeling in my stomach.
sunshine, please listen very carefully:
Hey lilrayofsunshine. I adore your name. Good for you sunshine for leaving your abusive partner. If he physically and verbally abuses you regardless if it was just one time, he is not worth your time. There are better men out there. Even he is the last man on this green planet, I still don't think any women would want to be with him. Who would want to volunteer to be with someone who hurts them. Us women can live without men and still be happy. Yes, of course it's nice to have "company" but if that "company" hurts you in any way and causes you stress and unhappiness, why would you want to be with that person?
It was the responsible thing to do for the sake of your son. You son doesn't deserve to be verbally abused like that. "BOB"'s actions were uncalled for and irresponsible to say the least. What kind of person are you to say such things to a kid? I'm not even his mother, but my heart goes out to your son. He deserves to be raised in a healthy environment and be surrounded by people show him nothing but love and support. You are that person. My boyfriend was raised by his mother alone and said though he would like his father to be part of his life when he was growing up, he was glad his mom raised him on her own. I really shouldn't be talking about this, but let's just say his mom was the more "responsible" parent and he knew that.
Your son is better off without a father (as harsh as that sounds), than have one that abuses him. It's not healthy and can cause long term damage to your son's well being. Especially if he sees "BOB" as his dad, nevertheless if he is the man in your life, then he'll serve as a male role model for your son. You don't want your son to the example of "BOB".
This may not be what you want to hear. But I think you made the right decision by leaving him and I don't think you should consider getting back with your abusive partner. It'll take time to get over him, and part of you will always miss him. But I think for your well being and your son's it's for the best. This is just my opinion of course. You do what you think is best for you and your son.
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do