Do I send this email to ex Need advice!
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:53pm |
I just wrote this letter that I plan to email to my ex. I just need someone to read it and give me advice. How do you see the overall tone? Am I clear, do I ramble too much, etc.?
To provide some context, I had found out my boyfriend was being dishonest over 8 months ago. After many problems i became a bit insecure and really sad about it all even though I'm very confident in myself. I knew I had to get out so I tried to break up with him. Later he begged to come back and changed, only to dump me two weeks later. I was devastated. I did 60 whole days of cold turkey no contact and it helped. Then he started calling again and after much hesitation and avoidance, I agreed to meet up with him. Huge mistake. We eventually got involved again and although he always said he loved me and wanted to be with me and be faithful and all that, his actions showed otherwise. Finally I got tired of this emotional rollercoaster (8 months after the first break up) and tried again to end the relationship. Tried three times in the past two months and each time he seems really sincere about not wanting to lose me and starts to treat me perfectly...for a short period of time. This last time I told him this was it, no changing my mind and no trying to "make it work." I was determined. He came over to talk, basically it was going to be our breakup conversation and I snuck out of the room with his cell phone and looked through it to find that he had slept with another woman a few weeks ago and had still been talking to/sleeping with the mother of his children and talking to another ex. It was hurtful but I had already done the breaking up. This only made it easier for me to do without feeling bad about hurting him. So, once I found these things out i got so angry that I asked him to leave and told him many things that he probably didn't want to hear. I finally got rid of him! Now i don't want to talk to him I just want to finally move on with my life and be free of his games. Only thing is he has called two nights in a row since this happened and left messages saying he understands that its over for good but that he loves me and cares about me and wishes I could talk to him briefly so he could tell me what was going on. I have no desire to call him because there is no way he can explain his cheating! I'm hurt and confused about how to respond. I loved him but I look forward to a time when I can be happy again without him. I thought about giving NO response but at the same time I want him to hear me out. So, i thought an email was the next best thing. Please ivillage family, give me some advice on how to deal with this. It's making it hard for me to start the healing process when he keeps calling and I don't want to give him a chance to "explain what was going on" and "hear him out" when i'm still emotionally vulnerable. I know its a bit long but im desperate for advice! Thanks for reading it.
Here is the email (with some edits based on feedback):
I don’t know where to begin. First I want to say that we have nothing more to talk about. I am only writing to you because I want you to know how all of this has affected me. It is my form of closure. Talking to you might make it worse for me. How can you possibly try to explain your reasons for messing around with other women behind my back? Nothing you say could explain that away. Nothing.
You say you love me, yet you did things Jose that someone who truly loves could never do. Everything I ever found out about you by checking your phone was very hurtful. You knew the kind of pain I had felt and yet nothing stopped you from going on with your little relationships with other women. Every time you apologized and said you didn’t want to lose me, I somehow believed you. You seemed so genuine when you would look me in the eyes and express how you felt about me, telling me that you’re so happy with me by your side.
What I found out the last night you were here I could never forget, much less forgive you for. After all this time you turned out to be a real good liar. You cheated on me with Violet this whole time, staying at her place without telling me, you tried to hook back up with your ex telling her that she’s been on your mind lately, you would talk to other women almost every night when I would be here patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) waiting for you to call me at the end of the day. Worst of all you pick me up from the airport when I got back from NYC and you seemed so happy to see me, and so in love. It made me happy. How could you turn around two days later and invite another woman over for sex? What I don’t understand is why when you already have a good woman to make love to, you would prefer to be with someone who doesn’t even compare to me!? I will never forget that you told me you were sleeping with your kids that night. Now I learn that while I thought you slept with your kids, you slept with another woman. That might be the worst thing you could have done to me. I hope it was all worth it.
Now I ask you for one favor. To please let me have the pleasure of checking my own myspace page without looking at yours and having to see the face of that woman. Or of any of your other little girlfriends for that matter. I don’t check mine anymore because it is too hurtful to see your page and know that hookups are happening right under my nose. I don’t like to see and remember the stupid comments made by those simple-minded women. I can tell they have nothing substantial to say except post meaningless, glittery images. How old are they again? How old are you again? I had a gut feeling that something foul was going on between you and one of your “friends” on myspace and you always did a good job of blowing me off and making it seem like I was the one being too sensitive or making a big deal out of it. I refuse to let any man make me doubt my own judgment. I see now that my instincts were right. I asked you to make your page private and you refused. Now after all that you’ve done to me I hope you can have the decency and respect for my feelings to delete me from your friends and make your page private so that I won’t have to see any of it anymore. That is the ONLY thing I ask of you.
I was taken advantage of. This was never a relationship based on equality and fairness. I was good to you and what I got in return was a lot of pain, anger, disappointment and resentment. I never deserved that kind of treatment. I am ready to put an end to being treated this way by you. I am sad now because I realize that I was played by a man who I believed didn’t want to hurt me. But I am not sad that you are now out of my life. I want to break free from all of the emotional ups and downs that I experienced for over a year with you. I always knew you didn’t possess many of the qualities I look for in a man. You are no good for me and it was my lack of good decision-making that led me to this point. I should have ended it long ago and yet I let you back into my life when you came back asking for forgiveness the first time. That was all BS and I should have known it.
Now I see more clearly than ever before. All you deserve is to be with the type of woman that is just like you: A lying, cheating, selfish woman. That is how karma works, and I believe that I will find a great man because I deserve that. All people get what they deserve in life.
The last night you were here I told you that I still wanted you as a friend and that I was sad you weren’t going to be a big part of my life anymore. I meant it. But I am glad that I went through your phone and found out the type of man you truly are. I needed to see the true you, to find out just how much you are capable of doing behind someone’s back. Especially someone you claim to love.
You have ruined the opportunity we had to stay friends, and be in each other’s lives. Yes we did have some great times together. There were moments that we shared sincere love and happiness. But all the lying and cheating loomed above us the entire time. You have shocked me so much by your behavior that it completely overshadows the good times we’ve shared. I never want to talk to you again. You are one of the most dishonest persons I have ever dealt with. What you did to me behind my back was more than I ever expected of you, Jose. You let me down completely. You have nothing to say to me that could ever change the way I see you. I want you to fade into my past. To become a distant memory and nothing more. Please, do not call or text me.
My capacity to love and trust has not been hindered by all of this, so I will be okay. I don’t want you to be hurt either. Life just has an interesting way of teaching us lessons, I hope you take this as a sign from the higher being that something needs to change about the way you treat women. You also need to be a more honest person, to yourself and your partners. Learn to treat others the way you want to be treated.
Don’t worry about me; I want nothing from you, not even concern.
I hope you live a good life,
Sandra
Edited 7/16/2007 9:19 pm ET by megagirl2006

It's far too long. I doubt he'll read the whole thing and even if he does he won't absorb it.
I would just use it for your own purposes (to get your feelings out) but I would not advise sending it. It just never does any good and in my experience it usually does you harm (because he'll either respond or he won't, and both have negative repurcussions for you).
Anyway, I think you're wasting your time to ask anything of him. Don't make your healing process dependent on him--stop looking at his myspace page, change your email address, change your phone number--do whatever it takes to not have any more contact.
Sheri
P.S. You may want to edit your post to take out the profanity; even masked profanity isn't allowed on Ivillage so your post could be removed if you leave it in.
It's a good letter. Now print it out and burn it.
For what it's worth, Sandra, sending emails and letters after a breakup is really never a good idea. I've been CL on this board over a year now and I'm telling you, it's always the same. You think your words will hurt him or that he'll actually understand what you're trying to get across, that he'll comprehend (hopefully even feel) the pain he's caused you, but nothing like that will happen. What *will* happen is you give away your own power when you send a message like that. Honey, if he actually cared what you had to say, he wouldn't have been with all those women. That's the truth, and it hurts but it needs to be said.
As women, we always want to express ourselves in the only way we know how, with words. The fact of the matter is that men don't really communicate that way, so the effort is lost on them. They know action, decision and follow-through. So communicate with men in their language. When you want to give a jerky ex the big F-U, turn on your stiletto heel, walk away and never let him know what you're thinking.
Good luck and welcome to the board.
sandradee and all others,
Thank you so much for your post. When I first wrote the letter earlier I was so ready to send it out. Because I wanted to hurt him and I pictured him reading it at night and feeling horrible about losing me. Except that's how I'd want to imagine things, but I have no idea what reaction he would have and I know you would all agree, it does'nt matter anymore.
I was really inspired by your words sandradee, that the best way to say F-U to a jerk of an ex is to live my life to the fullest and never look back! He didn't call today and I feel relieved. It makes me nervous to the stomach just to think of him calling and worrying about how to react, or whether I should respond. I think I will show him that I'm strong and in control and happy to get rid of him if I never call him and don't pick up any of his calls or respond to texts!!
After reading other posts on here, I was encouraged to move on and write letters for my own healing purposes, but to not send to him. For what? I'd rather this be over with than wonder how he reacted to it and maybe even wait for a response that could never come.
I am so thankful for this wonderful community of strong supportive women. My mood changed drastically after I spent a few hours in bed reading posts because I was feeling a lil down.
I need to be celebrating that I got rid of the greatest source of pain, anger and frustration in my life!! Good bye jerk! I'm better off without you!