do i send a letter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
do i send a letter
4
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 8:06am
after a passionate, albeit brief (3-4 month) relationship my BF rang me up and discussed taking our relationship to the next level. He used the C word. For me it came out of the blue, but i was ecstatic. I allowed myself to admit how much i really loved him. (this happened on the 5th aug)

Two days later as i am about to leave to visit him (he lives 75km away) he rings and says he cant do it. thats it nothing else. i was stunned. (this happened on the 8th aug)

Later that night i msned him and asked why? He gave very weak excuses and said if i wanted more i would have to ring him the next day. I did one better i drove the 75km after work and asked, still yet more weak excuses, and no real answers. He couldnt even look me in the eyes, played with his watch the whole time.

Since then i have not been able to sleep, i am depressed and despondent, and very tired. It was the fact that he brought up the idea of a committed relationship that allowed me to let the walls crumble and admit my true feelings, that hurts the most, i think.

During my sleepless nights i have written many pages about my feelings and the questions i have, i cant seem to let it go.

My question is, is it ok to send these late night writing to him, not in the hope that he will read them, but to give me some peace of mind that if he should he will know exactly how i feel with no ambiguity.

Is it a childish thing to do? A neurotic thing to do? (it is now the 17th aug)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 8:31am
no dont do it, I'm also writing a lot but I post it on my website. I dont know if he will ever read it but it helps me a lot. I used to write a diary and today when I ready it, it helpes me to understand but even though he saw my diary he didnt understand what went wrong. Guys just dont want to understand because if they do, they feel guilty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 5:09pm
You know what. I have read SO many times that women should write these things and then through them away or whatever. I dont thin kyou should send him EVERYTHING you wrote. But I will admit that I did send my ex a letter, actually 2 because it was the only way we were communicating. I wanted him to know how i felt, not to make him guilty but in hopes that he will learn what NOT to do teh next time and how his actions affect others, even if he had convinced himself that he had the best intentions. You know what, i would have told all that to my best friends too. I just think you need to be really careful with what you expect back. I expected nothing, although i also admitted in the letter that we had so many other problems that i did not believe coudl be resolved (just honest, nothing meant to hurt him) and got nothign back. But i have no regrets. He knows how i feel and it was necessary for me to let him know. I wished we would have been able to talk about it, but he wasnt open to it mentally. So i just hope that one day he will 'get it', but i have moved on and never held my breath.

Again, i think khonesty is great. Just write the letter and allow it to sit, unsent for a few days to make sure that what you send is not riddled with hurtful things. If you are just being honest. Then do it. And then let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:16am
did we date the same guy? lol

well we also communicated for 5 weeks after he broke up with me (but only through emails), he wanted friendship, I tried and it didnt work. Like you said, whatever you write them they dont see your point (or they just dont want to see it).They hate to admit that they were wrong, thats why they dont reply to us the way we wish them to reply.

I thought about sending him a letter, not just an email that he can delete and never read it again. But I know what they do with these letters, they show them to friends and they laugh about it, his friends think he is pimpin or something. I have seen it few times. I never said anything bad about my ex but guess what, for him to move on he had to talk negative about me, she was bytchin, stressing, complaining. His next girl will think he was a good guy but the girl was the bad one. How much can we really believe these guys?

We put so much effort, write them letter, think about them, cry etc. and they go to the club and find them a new one. It must be fun, we should try the same thing :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 12:46am
Write the letter. It will be very cathartic for you and help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings. They advocate the exercise of a "feeling letter" at MarsVenus.com where you write about your anger, fear, sadness and sorrow. But here's the thing--you don't send it. It probably wouldn't make a difference with him and could make things worse. But it will be helpful for you to write it.

Sorry you're going through this!