Do we all get what we deserve?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Do we all get what we deserve?
4
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:46pm

I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks and am finally posting my story. I may get a tongue-lashing from some of you but here goes.

I just broke up with my partner of 6 years. I am gay and I'm having a really difficult time getting my life back together. I wasn't very happy in my relationship, and although we had many discussions about our issues, I don't think I was very clear in those discussions that if the issues didn't get resolved, then our relationship wasn't going to make it. So I stuck it out, stayed in the relationship and wasn't necessarily miserable, but was definitely not happy. Earlier this year, I met someone else that I was instantly attracted to, but did not pursue the attraction. I did find out that the attraction was mutual and I still didn't pursue anything although it was always in the back of my mind...what if? Well after many months of trying to make my relationship work, I ended up emailing this other woman and we met for drinks. I didn't allow anything to happen physically, but I knew that emotionally I wasn't being very faithful to my partner. So I ended our relationship the next day and immediately began dating this other woman. The "other woman" knew my situation, and although she and my partner are not friends, they both know of each other.

I knew that immediately starting to date someone else was not good, it wouldn't work out and that it was just going to be a rebound or a short fling and I was considering it just a "distraction" from having to deal with my breakup. To my surprise, after a few weeks of dating this woman, I began to have feelings for her and began to think that this "fling" or "rebound" may actually have a future potential. Unfortunately, my ex is having a difficult time accepting our breakup and she is rightfully angry....but to the point that she trashed my house and left a very nasty message on the cell phone of the other woman. So now after what I thought was beginning to go very well with this new woman, has now turned into she doesn't want to date me anymore and I'm really having an unexpectedly difficult time accepting that personal rejection. So I'm sitting here self punishing myself that this is what I get and deserve for hurting my ex so badly. I have to wonder if it will be possible for me now to have a healthy happy relationship after the way I handled the ending of this one so badly. I've read several of the posts in this entire site and the common thread of comfort is that "they all get what they deserve". I made a huge mistake in the way I handled all of this, and I am paying my dues for that mistake, but should it always be that way? Does that mean I shouldn't be happy at some point again? I'm not a horrible mean person and my heart is breaking over all of this. I hate how badly I hurt my ex and even though I think it's best that the relationship is over, I would definitely do it all differently if I had the chance. I guess she should take comfort that the "other woman" dropped me in return. Maybe you folks out there can give me your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:45pm

If it helps, there's no good way to end a long-term relationship. Just no good way. You could have dragged it out over weeks or months, could have had long conversations about it, whatever, and your ex would still be incredibly hurt and just devastated about what's happened. There is no good way to leave someone. I suppose there are some ways worse than others, but I wouldn't necessarily say you're a bad person for what happened. In fact, from some other posters here, sometimes it's easier for the "dumpee" when the "dumper" has moved on to someone else - a new person is an easier thing to understand than an amorphous "it's just not working" excuse, perceiving yourself as being left for someone else can make it easier to "demonize" your ex and not hold onto false hope, and it can brace one's outrage and sense of personal dignity to feel like you're just not going to try to "win back" someone who's dating someone else. I sometimes think that's easier than people who leave you very kindly, and want to help you through the grief at the ending, and even insist on being friends, because it sends mixed messages and makes healing take so much longer because it creates false hope that the breakup is not permanent. Ultimately, there's no good way to leave a lover. You're always going to feel guilty about causing pain to someone who loved you. But you have freed her to find a relationship with someone who loves her and for whom she is "the one." Better she's involved with someone who can't get enough of her, than someone who's long been unhappy and had doubts. This is a temporary hurt that, in the long run, will work out best for both of you. She's shocked and upset (and not behaving well at all), but she will get past that.

By way of comparison - my ex, after a 2 year relationship, refused to go with me to the hospital when I had cancer and pressured me for sex during my recovery, forcing me to break it off with him in April. That hurt me for the better part of this year, my lingering betrayal, hurt, and disappointment at his behavior. I had trouble forgiving him, I was very angry and upset, etc. I'm pretty much fine, now. I'm optimistic, I think I can trust again, and I'm looking forward to finding someone better-suited to me. Your ex absolutely will survive this. People are remarkably resilient. And, ultimately, loss is an unfortunate part of life, and we all have to learn to cope and bounce back. Part of your job is to be mature, not to get into angry and infantile exchanges with her, to hold her accountable for her behavior (you may need a restraining order or to call the police), and to not send her any mixed messages that you may change your mind. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:22pm

I have to admit Milton, I've been lurking around this board for a while and I've read many of your posts. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders and you are full of wise advice. Thanks for replying to my post.

I feel like I have no right to be hurting because of the way I chose to handle all of this and I'm not sure how to make it right, or if I even can make it right. For my own future happiness as well as hers. My ex wants us to be friends, but I'm the one who suggests that may not be such a good idea right now. I still love her, and wish I had done things much differently, and the guilt keeps me dead-locked. I seem to be the "bad guy" no matter what I do. If I don't maintain contact, then I'm cold hearted and mean....and if I do maintain contact, at her request, then it just seems to be a means for her anger to continue to manifest itself. In my past history, I seem to be on the "dumped" end of the spectrum. This is my "first" occurence at being the one to break it off and neither scenario is easy. Hopefully this will get easier in time. It's difficult to find any support since this was all my decision and my lack of maturity in handling it with the respect the relationship deserved. Thanks again for your reply.

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:56pm

First of all, you will be happy again.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 8:33pm
I don't know if it'll help or not but I think of it like this. If you reach the age of retirement and you can't look back on your life at something you screwed up on, then you didn't really LIVE. Sure, we all know someone who it can be said "what goes around comes around" about, but we all also know someone who is just so damned consistantly unexplicably lucky, they lie and cheat their way through life with no reprocussions. All you can really do is learn from it. You did to your XGF what your OW did to you, which was really nothing malicious, just unmatched love.