do you believe in timing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
do you believe in timing?
7
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 5:50pm

Well i met a guy the day before thanksgiving. I have seen him before at parties and things like that, we had a mutual friend. He is 29 and i am 28 and we both live at home and are getting ourselves "together" He was starting out in real estate and painting houses I was a teacher and now in beauty school. Things were so great we saw each other all the time, he called every day, never made me wonder. Told me he was ready for a relationship and how i was perfect. He did tell me however early on he had not been in a relationship in 4 years. I was teh first girl he brought home in that time. He also said he had really big issues with commitment, all of his friends joked about it. He can't committ..that scared me. So yesterday he told me he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. He said it was timing....that he is not happy with himself and he can't be happy with someone else if he was not happy with himself. He said it wasn't fair to me that he was moody and snappy with me becasue he was stressed out about work and money. He said his focus before he met me was getting himself together and that everything would fall into place and he needs to still focus on that....he said his friends think he is crazy for doing this and he is probably making the biggest mistake, but he just can't be in a relationship.

Do you think for guys timing is really an issue, like guys can't be serious with a girl if they don't have themselves together? During our relationship he kept saying that he needs to focus on work that is number 1 right now..and if i coudln't deal with that he couldn't be with me. His parents are from poland, his dad works non stop and taught him to work non stop and make as much money as possible. We eneded it by him saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with me..i was beautiful, smart, the most caring woman he's ever met and he can't promise anything will be perfect with us but maybe once he is more together then we can try again.

The thing that hurts most is that tehre was nothing wrong with him..we didn't argue, he wasn't mean, he called every day he treated me like a princess...so you think he has commitment issues or timing is off or he's just not into me?

I am miserable...although it was only 3 months...i have never felt this way about someone and i've been in 3 other relationships of 2 years or more. He is all i wanted in a person. Do you think i should wait for him and his timing or just move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2005
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 5:12am
My best friend's brother once said to me: "Dating men successfully is like catching the bus. You've got to be in the right place at the right time to get on." So I definitely believe in timing. Some times people (guys) just aren't ready. There could be things going on in their lives that make them not want a relationship or it could just be something about them emotionally or phsyically or even mentally. No matter how you look at it, timing is important and it has nothing to do with who are you but if the two of you happen to be in the same phase of life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:56pm

Timing...hmmm...

Well, when things started getting heavy at the beginning of the relationship that I just got out of my now-ex gave me a whole bunch of reasons why he wasn't sure about committing to me exclusively, with "timing" being his chief reason. I told him I thought that was a load of crap, to live in the moment and if it's right you can make it work. Then I gave him an "if you want me, you want me; if you don't, then you don't. Pony up or go away" type of ultimatum. And he decided that he wanted me and that I was worth the risk.

Well, now, six months later and without this man that I fell madly in love with (as I knew I would when I gave him the ultimatum), I am a bit older and wiser than when I began the relationship. A lot of his issues with "timing" had to do with his ex and I realize now that he was probably right about the timing thing. Though he knew that we had something incredibly special and that I was important to him, he still had residual feelings for her--which I both didn't really understand (as I had never lost anyone before) and thought could be "worked out" together. Because of his residual feelings he couldn't ever fully commit to me in the relationship, not emotionally anyway. I realize now that the timing probably wasn't right, and *sigh* it may never be right...as much as that kills me to say.

So, with my hard earned wisdom, I say give him space. If he has reservations and is hesitating, even as much as you want to be with him, don't force it. And don't wait for him. If it's meant to be, it will be. If you really do mean that much to eachother and you both want it, it will happen when and if it's meant to happen. But don't halt everything and wait for something that may never be. Tell him that you respect his position and that, if and when he thinks he's ready, to give you a call...you may or may not be available.

Agrip76, similar to your situation, my ex also left things open when we ended it saying that I'm the most intelligent, amazing beautiful woman he's ever met blah blah and that there may be a second chance for us...and the advice I gave you is the advice that I gave myself when we ended it, and I am sticking to. It sucks, and it sucks bad--I'm not going to sugar coat it--but letting go, moving on and trusting to God (or fate, whichever you prefer) is the best thing that you can do for both of you. Good luck.




Edited 2/6/2005 6:55 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:37am
Hi, so sorry to hear about this... just wanted to let you know that I know how tough it is to loose someone who is all perfect for you... about whom you cannot say one bad word. These breakups are the worst... you can't blame him for anything and you can't explain to yourself that you're "better off" this way. I know, I'm in a very similar situation. Except we were together for almost 2 yrs. And he broke up because wasn't able to commit... When you think about it - it's definitely better sooner than later. You only invested 3 months into this relationship. But I wouldn't give up on him yet... How long has it been since you separated? If he's able to recognize your qualities and if he truly misses you, he'll be back. If he isn't - you are really better off accepting it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:16am

agrip76- I absolutely believe timing is everything. I was with my ex for almost 4 years off and on. We have a child together, and were always not together, but always together, if that makes any sense. While I was looking at our whole time together as letting him work through his issues, he was looking at the whole time as having "someone" there while he was getting better for someone else. Although he was a complete heel to me and our daughter, he has since been with someone for the last four months, and they are already living together. I am not saying that it's going to last, only that it's seems the timing of meeting her was when he was ready to commit to being a real boyfriend.

As painful as it is to admit, maybe they are meant to be together. When him and I got together (after being very good friends for years) I got pregnant right away. Although throughout everything, he said he wanted us and a family, but really, I think he just wasn't ready. But now, he's ready to live with someone (which he lived with us for 3 weeks before it got to be too much). And just in my defense, I am not a nag, hard to handle person or anything that would have made him living with me uncomfortable. In fact, I was quite good to him and treated him like a king. I just think that it all boils down to timing. Me and him got together and in reality he wasn't ready, so there was never anything we were able to do to make an honest relationship between us. With four years of growing up under his belt, he met someone that he obviously feels in a place to give that relationship to.

It is still very sad to me that I lost my best friend, and that him and I couldn't get it together to make it for our daughter, but, in hindsight I am glad that he is not the one that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Don't get me wrong, it kills me sometimes to see him giving everything that I worked so hard to get from him to this new girl, basically handing to her on a silver platter, but who knows, there's someone for everyone right? Again, all I can attribute this to is just a bad sense of timing on both our parts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:37am

Yes I do believe in timing.I just split up with my ex a month ago after a 15 month ldr.he lives in France on a temporary basis.ie hes got a work contract and he will be moving back to his country some time next year.

so basically he's like having a working holiday with all his single friends there.so i guess that one of the main reasons for our breakup was bad timing as he was too involved in leading the fun life of going out with all his friends and drinking in a foreign country full of excitement to be able to accept my proposal to live with him and have a steady relationship.

Maybe if he was living in his own country ie living a normal life with his family etc...our relationship might have worked out.

Nonetheless,i would advice you to move on with your life & that if he ever does come back to you then you will think about whether you are ready to commit yourself to him or not.

Keep in touch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:03pm

From the other perspective, I have been the person that called 'time' after a 2 year relationship...

Let me try and explain it to you as best I can (although this is a female perspective, so can't necessarily apply it to your guy, but don't think there can be that much of a difference)

My ex was the perfect boyfriend, we became so close, got on amazingly well and had so much in common. From very early on I kind of accepted/believed this would be the person I'd marry. In our 2 years we did have some arguments and recurring issues but nothing that lead to our break up.

Ultimately, it came to the point that I sat back and was like 'woah, this is really it' and that really scared me. I'd had romantic visions of marrying him but when it came to the crunch, it terrified me... I always questioned people that said they got scared of making that commitment, I always thought 'Yeah right, that's just an excuse, you're just not in to the person enough'. But seriously, when it happens, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my ex, but for my own reasons I am not ready to be with him with the kind of commitment he wants.

Having to let him go hurts like hell, miss him like crazy. I have no plans to be with anyone else, although initially I almost fell in to a rebound with someone but that was clearly me looking for avoidance and something not so serious!

Now I am spending time on my own, and it's still early days so I'm finding it really hard, as no doubt your guy is... I heard about him dating another girl last week which really felt terrible but I know, if I can't give him the commitment he needed then he has to try and find somebody that can. My life has paused for now while I try and sort out my personal issues. He's off trying to move on, away from someone that loves him deeply but can't settle down yet.

I have faith that we will come back together, but of course I can't let him know that as I can't keep him on a string and must allow him to go explore other options, I can't have it all on my terms (can't keep him for when i'm 'ready')... I would hope that when the "timing" is right, we'll come back together, but I accept that in the time it'll take for me to get my problems resolved that he may have moved on and found somebody better... But there was no way I could stay with him, so the best thing to do is believe in fate, and that if he doesnt meet anybody that he loves more, then we will end up back together.

What I would say to you is that if you trust the sincerity of his words and love for you, accept that he does have issues that go beyond what you and he share, and he does just need time alone to reassess his life. Move on, you mustn't allow him to hold you back. If he comes back, don't be too proud to take him back if he's still the person that you love, because if he meant what he said, this time out was not about not wanting you, it was more about not knowing how to be with you at this time... If you meet somebody else that you love more, then consider that fate anyway, it'll be his loss but you can both feel assured that if there's somebody out there that you can love more, then it wasn't meant to be anyway...

Good luck hun! If he's telling the truth, he's probably finding this just as hard as you, but he's done the right thing to let you go rather than keeping you hanging on for him to be ready for you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 12:23pm

You're really lucky to have been the one who was afraid to commit.Wish I was instead of you rather than the heartbroken person I presently am.don't know if you read my posts "I can't seem to move on " and a post I posted under 'do you believe in timing ?"

would you say that my reason for break up was timing rather than all the negative things my ex pointed out just a day before we broke up.

thanks for taking the time to read this message.