Do you ever feel guilty???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Do you ever feel guilty???
6
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 2:05pm
One reason this is so hard for me is I hate the feeling of giving up on our relationship. Through all of the 3.5 years I was the one who always made things work, when he was too busy and when we became long distance I was the one who made sure we saw each other at least once a week. I was the one who made a big deal out of holidays and his birthday (I loved buying him presents). I was the one who took him back THREE times because I was understanding and I understood at our age (24) things can be pretty confusing. I wanted to make it work and I did everything I could because I loved him and I would have always stood by him. But now he's left me again...and I can't do anything about it except stand back and watch it all fall away. I refuse to call and cry, that will just drag the pain out and I already cried to him twice (once when we broke up and again after our little relapse). Plus, it'd just push him away, I'd rather he not remember me that way. He knows I am hurting, he knows I am in pain but he wants to make sure that we are supposed to be together to see if he just "misses me" or "needs to be with me." It is so hard to just give up and sit back and do nothing when I did everything. Does anyone understand this? Any words of advice to make me feel better about this? It's almost like I have a guilty feeling for just letting go, but I dont have a choice. It's like I feel like if I love him so much how can I just let go without fighting for it.... But I guess in the end he gave up not me. Any words of wisdom???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 3:47pm
I don't know if guilty is the word to describe the way I feel... but I do have similar feelings as you.

I have always believed (in everything that I do), that you cannot just give up. Some things may require extra work and there will be things that will be a challenge... but it is cowardly to turn your back and walk away on these things.

However, I guess that is different in relationships because in order to make a relationship work you need 2 people who want to overcome the challenge, one person can do all of the work and so hard. But I had came to realize that it does 2 for a relationship to work.

I still feel bad though. I have always believed that you should never give up on something/someone you love. And in a way that is what I feel I am forced to do right now. But I am also realizing that by letting go.. maybe I am not giving up. Maybe that is the right thing to see if there is anything to hold onto. After months, maybe we will see that we really want to be with each other or perhaps the opposite.

Many people tell me that is shouldn't be so hard... you shouldn't have to work at love. I am not sure that I agree with that though. Maybe you should not have to work SO hard, but everything requires work.

I know what you are feeling, Chloe. I am sure things will get better. Only time will tell...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:55pm
I understand what both of you are saying and it is funny because I have been thinking about this too. I mean I had to overcome and do alot more "work" than he ever did to make this relationship work. So many people are telling me to back off, let it be, walk away, if its meant to be it will be, god has a plan, and so on. But there is a part of me that has a hard time leaving things up to fate. I mean what good things (important things) in life come without hard work? I dont know if relationships is the exception to the rule, but I have been struggling with this idea. Everyone's situation is different and I know that it is impossible to try to make it work if one person isnt willing. But as long as my X is willing I cant just walk away like some people are telling me to. This is why I can understand how hard it is for you to "let it be". We are conditioned to try to "fix-it" and maybe now it cant be fixed. Lets just hope that everything works out for the better regardless. Thanks for reading. Just my 2cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 5:01pm
Okay.... this may be harsh but here it is. You have taken him back THREE times? Meaning you are now getting over him for a THIRD time? Please, please, chloe... this is a PATTERN. He will continue to do this for the rest of his life. You cannot make him love you by continuing to try, you are just undermining yourself. You have given it a fighting shot; he is treating you badly. It is okay, at this point to let the relationship go -- it would in no way be a reflection on you as a failure. It just makes you a survivor. You need to treat yourself well.

This is a good book: "The Girl's Guide to Surviving a Breakup" by Delphina Hirsch. Go out now and pick it up. Maybe there will be a cute boy at the bookstore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 8:02pm
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Chloe,

I wanted to preface this response with the above quote. Don't feel guilty for letting go of this toxic relationship. You said it yourself- you gave this guy 3 chances. How many is "too much?"

I gave my X 2x chances and there are days when I think even those were too much. But then, at least, I was able to walk away and say "I gave it my all, but he was still not worth it." From your posts here & on the other message boards, I think you're at that point. You're not a quitter because the relationship didn't work out. Your X was/is.

Take care,

Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:48am
Chloe

I understand all too well... I am 26 and my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 yrs. He has broken up with me 3 times. I have taken him back each time. Like you, I feel like I've been the "cheer leader" for the relationship. When we were long distance for a short time, I kept the communications lines wide open. I made big deals of our bdays, anniversaries, everything. I'm the one who always plans dates.

Over time, as you well know, and after being dumped repeatedly, you begin to lose your sense of security and you either develop really negative thoughts about the relationship or you try to over compensate. I have also become quite insecure. It's affected all areas of my life. Either way, you overanalyze everything that happens within the relationship and constantly blame yourself. "If I just wasn't so needy, if I just didn't push him, if I just was more fun".

You have an opportunity here. You are only 24? So young. You have probably learned a lot from this relationship and the break ups. You can move on. I'm still with my BF, but anytime we have a fight or if he doesn't show enough affection, I immediately think he's heading to break up with me again. You will have that same fear, too, if you go back. Like you said, you can't call and cry to him. He probably loooooves that by the way!!

So cry if you need to, and then take anything that reminds you of him, put it in a box, and hide it away. And as you will learn from anyone else on this board, NO CONTACT.

You will get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:08pm
i think that when you "do everything" for a person, it rarely earns you their love. It makes them more demanding and increasingly embarrassed by their dependence. If you want to make people lose all respect for you, take excruciatingly good care of them, no matter how they behave. Be the only person who'll come through for them and see how long it takes for gratitude to turn into disgust! When your running yourself ragged ticking through everybody's "to-do" list, you don't have time to feel rejected...