do you ever hear from them again?
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do you ever hear from them again?
| Thu, 10-11-2007 - 10:02am |
I know this is an old topic and probably been discussed before. My ex never initiated contact after the breakup of our years long relationship,

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"I have to tell you that this is something I myself am struggling with....is it a man thing? ??? Or do woman do this too??? How come some people can just do this no contact thing and make it look so easy and then theres us that are left behind that arent as strong about it."
I daresay a lot of it has to do with just individual personality types and how you deal with conflict in general. I've never had any problem with No contact and you'll see that reflected in both my relationships and my friendships. If I'm annoyed with you, I'll confront you, work it out, and clear the air. But if you truly push me over the edge, I won't give you the time of day for as long as we both live.
But dragging the sucker off his imaginary pedestal is a good start. I literally cannot see or hear mention of my last cheating ex without disgust. And it works. His best friend messaged me last friday. I could have grilled this guy for every last shred of information on him - and instead I nonchalantly walked off to finish my laundry. The urge completely disappears with a good dose of disgust and NC. And the less I care about him, the easier it gets. (which I guess isn't the best news).
cheers
I've heard from every single one of them at
Susanna,
Im hoping someday I can feel like you do in your last statement:
But dragging the sucker off his imaginary pedestal is a good start. I literally cannot see or hear mention of my last cheating ex without disgust.
He lied, he cheated, he hurt me so very much, yet at some moments I say to hell with him and at others I still miss him so very much that it hurts inside... Does that hurt ever become complete disgust and how do I get there?
:that way I would know that in just 12 days hes moved on, and its time for me to give up any hope of him changing and coming back to me:
rebound relationships aren't necessarily moving on. you might find somebody there, but then what is the conclusion to be drawn? he probably doesn't even know...
somehow, the decision needs to come from within you, unrelated to his actions.
if you need incentive or support, try checking out tigress luv's break-up books at liftedhearts.com. there's a bunch of stuff there that really gives me support to keep going. a lot of it is about breaking up & some is about how to make yourself more attractive.
there is one thing that is true: time heals most bad feelings & memories. like sandra said in her post the zen of doing nothing (which i now carry around with me), you should hope they forget the bad things. in time, people do.
either way, more time is better...you'll see what he's going to do, you'll be a different person...
hugz.
Hi Ladydeb-
I don't know why some people are better at sticking to NC. I'm very surprised at my ability right now to do NC. It's been two weeks and the urges are not bad, although I feel a great amount of pain that he is no longer in my life.
I went into this relationship with a healthy dose of self-esteem. But with all my relationships before him I made every breakup mistake in the world because my self-esteems sucked. I think because I've made all these mistakes, I'm in no hurry to make them again. It's like touching a hot stove. You know it's going to hurt worse, so why do it. Sometimes though your heart speaks louder than your head, and you ignore everything that will cause you further pain, so taking some preventative measures before you have a weak moment could help.
These have been suggested before, but two books which I find not only helpful, but actually funny are, It's called a breakup because it's broken, and, it's a breakup, not a breakdown.
Oh, and like OP said, it's not that he doesn't care about you that he is not contacting you. I dated my ex for five years and it was a good healthy relationship. I know he still cares about me and that's probably why he hasn't contacted me. Sounds illogical, I know. But we respect each other enough to know NC is best and we just want each other to be happy even though it hurts.
"He lied, he cheated, he hurt me so very much, yet at some moments I say to hell with him and at others I still miss him so very much that it hurts inside... Does that hurt ever become complete disgust and how do I get there? Got a road map or something for me????"
I'm afraid there's no roadmap. The yoyoing you're going through I've already sloughed through. Your relationship, like everyone else's, most likely had some good in it too, or else you wouldn't have stayed in it at all. And in time, you'll be able to recognize that there was both good and bad (in whatever ratio)
But in terms of not wanting him back..hmmm. Oddly enough the most mind riveting post was Sandra's blurb on "becoming friends". Much of my relationship was wonderful and I truly miss that. But she's right - break ups really do reveal what type of a person you truly are. And for me, at least, my ex was everything that I frown upon (for lack of a better description).
For example, there's a certain etiquette involved in a break up, if you understand. You're firm with the person, you stand by your decision, and above all you don't sully the relationship you had even though it's ending. There are words that he said to me, like how he'd never loved me, how I'd crushed his love, how his family thought I he deserved better, and how I'd always been a burden and etc. These are the things that bounce around my mind when I think about him and believe me, they elicit nothing but disgust.
And I don't care if he's really with someone else or not. I assume he's with that skank he cheated on me with and that's that. You face that fact, deal with it head on, and one day you'll wake up and realize the thought of him with that OW doesn't bother you as much. Promise. I wait for no man. If he wants me, he can damned well run after me.
cheers
I have read thru everyone's post...I think we think about hearing from them early in our grieving process. I know for me..its been 5 weeks since our break up. (I have posted in other areas about my break up) Basically, I am a young widow...I met my ex, started as friends and then last year he asked me to marry him. ONE month before our wedding, we broke up. Long story...I found him having internet and phone sex..I just couldn't take it. So I left. He wanted us to stay together but not get married and work thru his issues, but my heart was so broken and I was so confused that I didn't have any strength left in me to process and figure out what I wanted.
So three days after I found this out...he broke it off...telling me that its better that we go our go our separate ways...boom...I was coming to the realization that he had an addiction and was ready to go to counseling or whatever it took to work thru this and he walks away.
Its been a tough month. I was to be married last Friday...and all the posts about what is the ex feeling...does he miss me...the house has to be empty without me there...this city, we went everywhere together...had tix to all the sporting events all year..baseball, hockey...belonged to a golf club...restaraunts...fav neighborhood hang outs...does he see me when he goes to these places...does he hurt like I hurt?
For me its been, wanting to hear from him to validate ME...to know that he is suffering like me...I would love to text him or email him....but I won't.
He doesn't deserve to know what I am feeling...especially about him...but you think about it...its part of the healing..because inside we want them to hurt just like us...it's almost like revenge...see...you did this to yourself...you should hurt too!
At this point, I don't want to EVER hear from him again. I let him into my life and he lied to me...I think about all the promises...and now I know they were empty.
I also know that when I am sooo lonely...I think about the good times we had...we never fought...we always discussed things that bothered us and worked thru them....we had fun together even if it was just sitting on the sofa watching TV...he would even watch bridezillas with me because we were planning our wedding.
In this month, I think..now that the pain has subsided a little...that my only need to hear from him is to validate that he is hurting too.
Good luck to everyone who posted...I struggled with this question for so long, wondering why do I even want to talk to him or hear his voice...am I that desperate? I think NOT!
hugs to all of you!!!!
Hi tashabp,
I just wanted to give you some cyber hugs. That had to be very tough, finding that out one month before the wedding. What I can promise you is that all breakups happen for a reason. Hope you surronded yourself with love over this weekend.
Keep posting,
I'm sorry tashabp, I know how bad it sucks.
First off Im so sorry to hear your story and your pain... I felt terrible for you as I read.
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