do you let them know how you feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
do you let them know how you feel?
5
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:12pm
I am SO HURT for what my exBF did to me (read "rug ripped out" below). It has been 3.5 weeks & I still feel I have all these feelings & thoughts pent up in me. I want to let him know how much he hurt me. I have heard this is not good to do though. BUT, I have been on both sides of a break up & I know it hurt ME more to hear how I hurt someone else. I think of my previous ex (who I broke up with), if he just walked away silently I feel it would have made it easier on me...but hearing how I hurt him made it harder for me. I don't want the guy who broke my heart think he got away easy....Not in a mean, cruse you out way, but in an understanding way.... good or bad idea? I feel like I need to get it out to move on....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:27pm

You are right to want to get it out, but telling him isn't going to do any good. For one, it'll probably boost his ego, and it will put you back down again, and you won't heal so quick. I am really hurt myself after being lied to and cheated on, with no truth anywhere after 6 whole years, and I have made those calls myself.. 'Why did you hurt me... don't I mean anything to you', the plain truth is he can't give you any answers right now. It makes you feel better for about 1 second, then you realise what a brain-dead waste of space he is!

YOU are the most important thing! So you must make positive steps to getting over it. Its very tempting to want to vent - but I have found the best way is to write in a journal, (or post here)take it out on the trash can..... or go to the gym and run 2 miles! Its the best way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 1:38pm

hi kbi22

well let me tell you something...why dont you considering calling your other exbf (6yrs one). do you believe that if you did something to a person and it will go back to you. (KARMA) I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOUR HAVING KARMA RIGHT NOW. I'M ASSUMING THAT YOUR EXBF(6YRS) MIGHT CURSED YOU THATS WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. well i do believe on cursed and karma.

but somehow why dont you call that guy and ask for forgiveness. so that guilt that you feel will go away and you will have a healthy relationship again.

about the other ex.(6month) i guess this is not the right time for you to call him. you might scared him away more. this is up to you anyways i'm hoping that everything will be fine and GOOD LUCK

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 3:26pm

You can tell him...but he won't really care (even if he pays lip service to the idea of caring). If he's a c'phobe and/or infatuation junkie, he's too selfish and wrappyed up in his own feelings to really care about yours.

So you need to be prepared to get no reaction or not the reaction you're hoping for...and the contact WILL set you back. So long as you accept that and take responsibility for making the choice to contact him, then you should do what you feel you need to do.

Did you get the book(s) we recommended yet? I really think you will find them helpful.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 3:33pm

Well at first I thought I was going to advise you to email/write him; then I knew everyone else on here would just say "write a letter and rip it up". So I'm kinda on the fence with this one only because you said it's been 3.5 weeks.

In my situation (in Feb.), I knew my ex was talking/seeing/dating another girl and kept my mouth shut for a while. (I questioned him on it, but he repeatedly denied it, lied about it, etc.) So after about a week (actually, after I learned he had sent her flowers for Valentine's Day), I emailed him my thoughts. I couldn't help it! We hadn't talked in that week from our last conversation, but I didn't want him walking away thinking he just pushed me off a cliff and got away with something sneaky. I told him how I felt, but I was not nasty or said anything I'd regret. I just didn't want to regret *not* saying anything because he never even said goodbye- I wanted him to know my thoughts, whether he gave a crap or not- for my own benefit. Does that make sense?

But I know a lot of other people may disagree with me, only because it's been more than a week for you..... do you what makes you feel better. If you even think you might regret sending him anything, don't do it. You'll make yourself look foolish.

Good luck and let us know what you do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 04-21-2006 - 4:39pm

I have thought that maybe karma was biting me back after leaving my 6yr relationship. BUT- we were having problems, there was tension building up, I wasn't happy & he knew it. He also broke my trust with lies a few times that I guess I never got over (not cheating, but bad lies). When I broke up w/him, I was honest about everything- we talked it through together, we cried together. We still talk to this day. I do feel tremedous guilt for leaving him & breaking his heart. He says he understands & said I don't deserve the be hurt back, that I am a good & caring person.

As for the books, I read "Men who can;t love" and it hit the nail on the head. I plant to read the other one tomorrow. I wrote him an email & poured my feelings out, but I didn't send it. I guess I don't plan on it right now either. I was suppose to see him tomorrow, he was coming over to my house to bring me back all the stuff I moved into the apartment. I am going to cancel it & will have to wait a few more weeks. I don't feel ready to see him. I hope in a few weeks more my head will clear & then maybe I can see him. He emailed that he does want to talk to me... but I am just not ready now. I know it will hurt him to know I am hurting so much- but I don't want to come out looking weak either. I guess I will feel ready to see him when my life is better on track & I get a job..this way I can say "my life is great, I got this amazing job & great new place...things are better then ever"....god, I hope I can say that very soon :o(