Do you think i'm stupid!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Do you think i'm stupid!
5
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:32pm
I recently broke up w/my boyfriend of 5 years, who cheated on me w/some girl he met on the internet and had known for 3 days.

its been a tough 2 weeks. i cant stop thinking about what he did to me. i'm constantly crying. i've isolated myself from my mom, best friend, and other males. why would someone throw away 5 years for a cheap fling (so he says). i'm anry, hurt and sad all in one. it pains me to hear his voice or see his face, but in the same breathe i miss him.

he told me yesterday that he took his pic off the internet in hopes that i'll be happy to hear the news. i was happy to hear that, it meant that he was headed in the right direction (just didnt verbally tell him that). this morning, i called him to say good morning. while we were talking i noticed that his tone had changed, from sounding sympathetic to i dont care and maybe its for the best that we break up. i asked him where all of this was coming, considering on mon. you didn't even want to discuss it. he told me that was trying to real hard to make things right and i was very cold, distant and wasn't very receptive to him. i told him that i was still hurt about what had happend and he asked how long was i going to drag this on? i told as long as it took. he then told me, that he didn't see a point in trying to reconcile w/me if there still wasn't going to be any trust.

i called a few hours later to say that i wanted to talk and that i would meet him at his house; he told he'd get back to me b/c he might be going out later.

what do you all think, is it time to reconcile? i know its possible to forgive but can you forget? will my heart ever feel the same way for him? will i ever be able to believe in him? should i let this relationship go? if so, how should i go about doing that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:07pm
Hi,

Listen, I think he is trying to play games with you. He tells you he took his pic off the internet and then when you call him to say hello he had the 'I don't care' attitude. I firmly believe that he thinks that he is now going to play hard to get with you. He said that he didn't see a point in trying to reconcile with you if there still wasn't going to be any trust. What he fails to understand is that trust is earned not freely given and he has clearly betrayed the trust. He's just trying to turn the tables on you so if he does something like this again you will remember how he was angry at you instead and hopefully you won't confront him on it. My ex used to try that stunt with me. If I were you I would not attempt to contact him again, in any way because he is expecting you to come crawling back to him and because some people are so darn pompous, will probably expect you to apologize to HIM for upsetting him by calling him on it. Kick him to the curb. I know easier said than done but I finally had to do that with my ex because he tried that crap over and over and I was the one that always felt hurt and guilty at the same time, over and over again. To answer you question, I don't think you are stupid, you're human, but you need to nip it in the bud now. Good luck. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:50pm
Yeah no! I think you should forget him and move on. You can still be friends, pals, but I don't recommend making up with him. Although I don't trust anyone who cheats, he could at at least have asked you if his seeing other people would cause you a problem. Lying and hiding is not part of an healthy relationship, and it doesn't sound like he truly wants to change his ways.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:11pm
I'm with Lucygirl here. My ex basically abandoned me when I had cancer and then pressured me for sex during my recovery from surgery. When I called him on it, he was hurt and angry that I could "say such awful things" about him. I do think there is a kind of person who is so immature and unable to face that they've done something wrong and own up to it, that they only know how to lash out or run away. His behavior speaks volumes about his character, frankly. I'm one to apologize for the least offense, it upsets me to think that I've hurt someone's feelings - I just don't get someone who goes on the offensive when they've really screwed up, or who throws up their hands (like my ex) and says they guess they just can't do anything right and there's nothing they can do to get you to forgive them, without even trying to earn your trust and forgiveness. There is something very sick about someone who can hurt you and still expect an apology/accommodation from you, your life is better without him, trust me on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:50pm
Welcome to the board. I know this is hard to deal with right now and we are all here to help you through this devastating time. I think the best thing for you to do....is to let go of the relationship....it doesn't sound like your bf wants it anymore and even sounds like he's already moving on....from your post I don't hear any remorse and trust is something earned and you may never be able to trust him the way you used to and if he gets away with cheating....he'll probably continue to cheat. You asked how to let it go....he's already saying "let's break-up" so just agree and try the no contact thing. I know it will be hard and we're here for you.....but I think it will be better for you in the long run. No matter what you decide to do we're here for you and wish you nothing but the best. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:07pm
Definitely not stupid, just hopeful, like most of us. However, I tend to expect the worst, and sometimes I over-analyze situations. So please forgive me if I'm doing it now. You mention he took his pic of the internet. I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm thinking it was there for him to meet other women. If that's the case, he was planning on having a fling before he even met her. He may have done it before, and would probably do it again. It sounds like that was his only attempt to earn your trust back, and it was a pretty lame one at that. If he wants your trust back, he'll work hard for it. If he doesn't work for it, he doesn't deserve it. Best of luck!