does everything REALLY happen 4 a reason
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| Tue, 05-31-2005 - 5:54pm |
I apologize in advance for the novel...
I met my ex in college, and he was the epitome of the guy that I fall for - smooth, sexy, mysterious. I was single for some time at that point and was definitely ready to meet someone.... we knew each other socially, but that night a bunch of us were hanging out at a school event, and me and my ex hung out all night... we kissed and exchanged numbers... he was really sweet and I was very attracted to him physically and to his personality.... a few days later we hung out... we stayed up all night talking and I realized that I was falling in love with him..... we hung out every single day and I was really starting to fall for him..... he would cook for me, text msg me all the time, we would sneak moments in school to be together, talked on the phone every day for hours, met each others parents, and just basically were infatuated with each other and couldn’t get enough.....
However, certain little things he did would bother me about him. he would be really bratty and immature, he would check out other girls in front of me, when I would complain about work he'd tell me he's sick of hearing it, the cooking for me stopped, he would talk badly about some of our female friends, my friends would say he's really manipulative, and I was always scared that he was going to "play me," every fight would send me to tears and my mom was already saying "why are you crying so much you just started dating?" and his friends were jerks (they cheated on their girlfriends, and as they say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, not that I ever suspected cheating but still the friends made me think), he would be insensitive, (when we would hang up the phone he'd say "later" or “peace” and then hang up), he would say "shut up" to me (which I really despised but he would say "you say it to me." I would try to explain that there's a difference between a girl saying it to a guy and a guy saying it to a girl but he would just call me a hypocrite. maybe it is a bit hypocritical, but I still think guys should b a little more sensitive to the things they say to girls than the things girls can get away with saying to guys).
Yet, I was so into him, it was exciting. I couldn’t get enough of him, we were like 2 dogs in heat, and we couldn’t be apart... I was also so happy to finally feel such strong feelings for a guy again that I couldn’t of just ended it then.... I was definitely starting to fall in love.... I slept with him after 3 months of dating (seeing each other almost every day) and at that point we were boyfriend and girlfriend....
eventually we said our "I love you" and I totally meant it, as I’m sure did he..... however we still fought a lot, he was still insensitive, he would joke around all the time and usually at my expense which I hated and I always told him to stop but he never would, I still cried a lot.... AND one of the main things that bothered me was that we weren't best friends.. I didn’t feel like I could spend hours talking to him about anything.... I felt like he was my boyfriend, not my friend....
as the relationship went on (we dated for 3 years) regardless of loving him so much, I started to get frustrated with him treating me like crap, never changing his ways, etc... and I started thinking about breaking up with him..... at the time of the breakup we were fighting a lot and all my friends were thrilled bc they hated him with a passion....
we had a bad Christmas and New Years and the ultimate demise began when I caught him lying about a few things and he wouldn’t come clean. I was really hating him, and I decided that if one more thing happens I would end it.
And then, I met someone else.
this was a guy who was totally different than my ex, older, more mature, established (me and my ex are successful in our careers but we are still young). we were more compatible and all my friends loved him. we started talking on the phone.
strangely things began going really good with my ex and we seemed to be getting along (as my friends say "the quiet before the storm") and then he confessed some things to me which really upset me (not cheating), and that was straw that broke the camels back... I knew that he would never change, that I could never trust him so I broke up with him. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so courageous had I not had someone waiting in the wings, but I saw this as a sign. I put 3 yrs of my life into this relationships and I loved with all my heart. But I reached my breaking point and I didn’t want to be unhappy in this relationship anymore.
I continued talking to the new guy and we went out on a date. I had a great time and we started talking on the phone more regularly and making plans to hang out again. I was flying high. I thought "wow this is meant to be."
then things became a little more complicated. Probably bc I started having feelings for someone else so quickly out of the relationships. I started to feel really weird around this new guy, like I was way in over my head, I felt uncomfortable around him and I felt all this pressure to sleep with him and I just forgot how to be myself. I felt like we didn’t really have that much to talk about anymore, the convos became dull, I felt like I was faking it sort of. I did like him, but I felt like something was missing. I didn’t get this overwhelming feeling from him (that I had with my ex) that he wanted to spend all his time with me and I wasn’t making that much effort to be with him either. he wasn’t that great of a kisser and there were times that I thought "I wish you were my ex." However, he was nice and hot and we had fun going out, he introduced me to all his friends, his siblings, talked about me like I was his girlfriend, even other people began to refer to me as his girlfriend, and he treated me really good, he was perfect on paper, so I was along for the ride...
suddenly, my ex came crawling back to me, saying he realized what a jerk he had been and he wanted to change his ways. I had never seen him like this. usually he was cool and composed. now, his heart was exposed and on his sleeve. he genuinely seemed like a man who learned from his mistake and wanted another chance. it felt great to hear him say that stuff, but I thought to myself "I’m with someone else you jerk!! should have realized this during the 3 years we were together"
I told him it was too late, I had enough, and I could never forgive him for the lying and treating me like crap. I reminded him that throughout many fights in our relationship I told him that this day would come and he never believed me. well here it was. as great as it felt I was pissed at him. During our relationship, we talked about marriage and I always imagined him to be the man I married and I know he felt the same. but things had changed. I felt like too much time had passed for us to be back in that space again.
so after more talking and pleading he left, and I left. I was feeling even more confused. should I give him another chance? is he the love of my life? what about this new guy?
all that confrontation with my ex did was confuse the crap out of me, but I decided to hell with him and on with the new guy, who I was starting to feel weird about... plus I slept with him against my better judgment. and after I did, I thought to myself "wow I really messed it up for myself now." not only had I slept with another guy, who wasn’t my boyfriend, who I was having weirdness with, BUT now if I ever got back with my ex this secret would follow me around forever like a gray cloud that I could never shake.... especially since I’m a terrible liar, and I knew if my ex asked me if I messed around, I would ultimately confess.
a few weeks later, my rebound broke up with me.
we were hanging out and he brought up the topic of us, and told me he didn’t think I was the one. I was shocked! it hadn’t even been two months of dating.
I’m so used to reading in magazines and hearing from my friends all sorts of lame excuses for breakups (I’m scared, I just want to be friends, I’m not ready for a relationship right now, I’m too busy at work, etc), which ultimately all mean "I don’t like you anymore." but his reason was an honest one. anyone we date, we always consider whether this person will be the one, and he considered I wasn't. I was so shocked that we had this convo so soon but I really respected him for being honest with me. Instead of stringing me along, calling me less and less, hanging out less and less, etc. he just stopped liking me and told me so. whether I liked that or not, I had to respect it. of course he told me this in the middle of the night so I had no way of getting home other than having someone pick me up. so I ended up sleeping over. we hooked up all night. he made the first move and even thought it probably wasn't the best idea since he just broke up with me, I thought to myself "its probably going to be a very long time until I get some action again so I should take advantage of it." when it was time to goto sleep, we didn’t cuddle (in fact, we never really cuddled, I guess that was part of the weirdness mentioned above), as soon as I woke up I thought "OMG, I miss my ex." I wanted to call him right away but I was stuck at this guy's house.... I was getting up to leave, but then the rebound woke up, and we hooked up for a few more hours... finally I left. he called to make sure I got home ok.
as soon as I got home I called my ex and told him that I missed him. Bad Idea. I know, but I was feeling sad. he was pissed off that I called him bc he said he was getting over me like I told him to, and he would need some time to think about everything I said. but he basically said he doesn’t think he could get back together with me and I should move on. as much as that sucked, I felt like that was for the best. feeling crappy or not, this was still the same guy that treated me like crap, lied to me, was insensitive, etc etc etc. so I put myself in that mode. the "i-will-get-over-you-without-the-help-of-another-guy-and-be-a-strong-independent-woman" mode.
it was hard as hell, and I terrorized the pages of my journal with pro and con lists, long essays, and my overall feelings about these 2 breakups. I cried, and everything hurt, but I knew I was on the right track.
a few days later I ran into the rebound's friends and they had no idea we stopped dating. then a few days after that, the rebound text messaged me. it was this mundane "how are you conversation" that never made it past the text messaging. we txtd back and forth for a week and that was it. We haven’t spoken since and that was a few months ago.
My ex called. He was on his way to see me. I came to meet him, and he told me he wanted me back. We had a long convo, and I told him that I could never get back with him bc of his lying, which he STILL denied until I told him that I knew for a fact and named situations and people that he could not deny. it pissed me off that he only came clean after I shed light on his lying (he was even willing to stay broken up to hide those lies). he said he didn’t even think those things were a big deal, and actually they weren’t. the big deal was that he was able to so easily lie to me. he would of never come clean had I not had evidence of his lies. it made me wonder, what else he could be so easily lying to me about if I never catch him. so the resonating feeling in me said "HE COULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN"
I also told him about the rebound. Told him everything. he got really upset and said he could never marry me after I slept with someone else. he said he would never get over it. I said I technically didn’t do anything wrong. we broke up. I moved on. period. he was the one lying in the relationship. Yet I was still being made to feel like I was the one who messed up! Had it not been for his lying and treating me like crap, I would of never broken up with him.
Here comes the double standard. If he messes around after we break up, he’s just moving on, but since I am a female, I was somehow tainted and unmarryable!! I defended my ground and it was done. He sped off like a maniac and we haven’t spoken since (except for one gut wrenching AIM conversation where we reiterated the nasty things and decided to never speak again). It’s been almost 2 months.
I’ve been broken up with my ex for a few months now and I finally feel like its sinking in. we will never be together again. even if he was the love of my life its OVER. he will never be my husband. I will never have to deal with his lying again. he will never be insensitive to me ever again. I can list all these things out, and as hard as it is to get over someone I’m *still* in love with, I know I’m better off.
the difficult part now is, understanding why things didn’t work with the rebound. I just don’t get it. I play our brief relationship (if you could call it that) out in my head, thinking, when was the time that he realized he didn’t like me? what did I do wrong? did I play this all wrong? or was he just put into my life to give me the push I needed to break up with my ex. had it not been for the rebound, I probably would of never broken up with my ex. was his only purpose to take me away from my ex during that really difficult first few weeks? but still it makes me wonder, why didn’t it work out? which opens a larger can of worms, and questions like "did I forget how to play those dating games" "do I not understand men anymore."
And I’m not sure whether I’m over the rebound yet. As they say, it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them, but that’s not true for me. Me and the rebound have been broken up longer than we dated, but I still think about it. Over and over. In my head. Trying to figure out what went wrong. How I would act if he came back to me. What I would say if I saw him again. I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it. Why can’t I move on and forget him? Clearly he was just another guy, and there were guys before him and guys after him, so why am I so fixated? How much longer do I have to wait before I could care less? Will I spend my whole summer trying to move on? I meet guys all the time and a lot of guys have asked me out since, but I’m not interested in any of them. It’s so frustrating :(
Thanks for allowing me to ramble!

Wow, that was a novel... lol. First off, hugs to you, you've had quite a wild ride. I know you are sad about losing the rebound and the ex I'm sure after everything that was said and done. I'm sure you know that it's probably best that you are not with either one right now. You've listed the pro's and cons, so you have the logical reasons not to be with the ex. And rebounds are just that, he was there for you when you needed someone, and he was sort of great on paper, but you were not invested entirely. Part of you was still with the ex. He could have sensed that maybe. And talking to them both, considering the ex again and him blowing you off, then him wanting to try and you blew him off... it must be exhausting. Then at least there was rebound guy, until he left. You know eventually you would have broken it off with him too, you haven't had time to heal at all! Deep breath...
You've been strong and I think you know you are going to be ok. I don't think it is fair for your ex to hold it against you, that you had another relationship. You were broken up like you said, and it was fair game for both of you. It's just going to take some time to really move on from both of them. Try not to analyze what really went wrong with the rebound guy. You need to take some time to be that stong independent single women for alittle bit. Decide what you want in a man, and then try again. If the rebound guy still fits, then call him (this would be months later) and who knows? But to answer your title, IMO I believe everything does happen for a reason. And we might not ever know the reason entirely. I think we have to let go alittle and let things happen, and not try to manipulate every situation to how we want it. Am I making sense?? Anyway, I hope I helped, you are not alone here, big hug
Grace
Hi Golucky,
If you'd like, we can take this off the boards and into email.. maybe be easier to express some things :) your choice, of course
alvaboardsurfgirl@yahoo.com
Your ex seems like a jerk that was verbally and mentally abusing you and nobody deserves that and it was a good thing you got out before it was too late.
I don't think you were over the ex yet when you hooked up with the rebound and he probably could sense that you weren't all that into him so he ended it before he got too involved.
My advice is to just give yourself some time with no men and when you've re-established yourself....you can try and date around if you want....but no pressure...you'll know when it's right and you will eventually find "the one".
Good luck!!!
thanks to all of you for listening.
it felt really good to talk about the breakup(s) and get it off my chest.
i know i'll be ok...
strangely, it seems harder to get over the rebound than my ex, bc i can rationalize what went wrong and know i'm much better off w/out him.
Crazy, but I was in a very similar situation. I got into a rebound relationship after my ex of 4 1/2 years broke up with me. The new guy was also great on paper, but I knew nothing would come of it long term. Wonderful guy, we were just too different and I didn't feel like he could ever give me what I needed in a relationship. He ended up breaking up with me, saying that he didn't think it would work. I know he was right, but it still sucked. He was fun and we had a lot of chemistry. I wasn't very happy, but I wasn't ready to break up. I was enjoying his company and he was helping me forget the ex. And, like you, I had sex with him after he broke up with me for the same reason (who knows when I'm going to get laid again, might as well go for it).
I thought my rebound really liked me too. He wanted to hang out all the time, he talked about me to his friends and family, always complimented me, etc. It tapered off after a while, but it was still OK. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sure if I should write him off yet.
He is haunting me in much the same way. I sat down with myself and rationalized why it bothered me so much. He didn't break my heart (can't break what's already broken, and I didn't love him, not even close). I wasn't very happy with him and had thought about breaking it off several times. I knew he wasn't for me. But he got me where it hurts - my ego. He was my rebound, I was supposed to dump HIM. It was supposed to be my empowering moment of triumph over the male sex. It was going to be a way to symbolically dump my ex, I think. But I didn't get the chance. And that pissed me off.
I know you dumped your ex, so my exact situation may not apply. It does seem apparent from your post that you weren't all that into your rebound. Sit down and be honest with yourself about it. I'm not proud of why my rebound still haunts me, but it's helping me deal with it. I didn't get closure with him, so in a way I feel like I didn't get closure with my ex. Well, and him too so it's just a big damn mess. :)
What would you say to your rebound if he came back? Maybe that'll help reveal why you are having trouble getting over him.
Have you ever heard of that book "he's just not that into you?"
That is my explanation for your rebound man. Don't take it personally! Hey,even you said you were relieved that he was honest and straightfoward with you. Thank god he DIDNT waste anymore of your time, when he knew very early on that his heart wasn't in it.
Its doesn't mean you didn't "play it right" Relationships are based on love and respect for each other. Yes, there are certain games we play, but if you both don't have equal love for each other, then forget it altogether.
Move on and realize there are many other men out there - in fact you said there were some who wanted to take you out - Let them! Have fun. Remember, there is only one of you, and you are special. Don't waste your time on anyone that thinks otherwise.
Good luck!
Susan