Does getting back together ever work out

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Does getting back together ever work out
14
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 9:21pm
I am devastated by my breakup. We were together 2 years. (We are both 25). Things were great. We were the best of friends. I was even starting to look at engagement rings, wedding magazines, etc. It does though, seem like the only time we fought is when I questioned the future of our relationship. (He wants it just to "be". He doesn't ever worry about a thing.)

We did seem to get into a rut. Like we were too comfortable with each other or something. I suggested that we be "just friends" for a while. Thinking if we took the stress off the relationship, we could get out of our slump. He just wanted to break-up. He dumped me because he " isn't happy", "hasn't been happy for a while", "needs to find himself", "needs space", yada yada. Practically every cliche in the book! He has NEVER done a thing to hurt me. Has always treated me with the utmost respect. But, I believe him. He hasn't been acting normal. He hasn't been talking to any of his friends, even barely speaking to his family. He has been very depressed lately. Very homesick & very stressed. He just hasn't been himself.

He just "wants some time to think". He wants to be friends and doesn't know what the future holds for us. I begged him to just say this is over for good (this is hurting WAY too much). He couldn't. He "doesn't know what he wants". I know he still loves me. What is going on?

Am I an idiot? I think he'll be back. And, I would take him back in a heartbeat. This was such a shock that I think he just needs some time to regroup. Is it stupid to still want this? Is it even capable of working out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:30pm
WOW are we seeing the same guy???? j/k LOL I am going through the EXACT same kind of breakup. We were together for 4.5 years and we are both now 23. I went on a family vacation at the beginning of the summer and everything was FINE we even went away the weekend before I left and it was great. I get home after 2 weeks and all of the sudden he isnt happy anymore. He hasnt been for a while, he needs his space, things were getting too routine etc etc. He says he still loves me and I believe him I just dont understand how he can feel this way if he loves me?

I have the same problem because he wont just say ITS OVER. he wants time to think and he doesnt know what he wants anymore. He just wants to be alone for a while. He is just very down in general. He wants me to be in his life but I cant anymore. I too believe he will be back but it might be too late by the time he realizes what he basically threw out to be "alone". There is also the possibility that maybe it is better this way for both of us. I did everything for him and I was happy too. I dont believe he will find someone who did the things I did without complaining and we rarely fought. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. They will realize this.

You are not an idiot for thinking what u do!!! For the last 2 months I have tried to be the understanding girlfriend who gave him all his space and tried to be there but I have just realized that he wont know what he has until it is GONE. It is hurting me and making me unhappy while I am trying to make him happy. I cant be on this rollercoaster while he tries to figure things out and neither can you. I dont think they are lying when they say they are confused and all that but that doesnt mean we have to suffer too. It seems like your breakup is very recent and I think that you may realize the same in time. No matter what any one told me happened with their situation or what I should do, i knew that I had to experience things for myself and feel like I did all I could to make it work before I am able to try to move on. You probably feel the same so I am not going to tell you what you should do I can only make suggestions. I have been there and in many ways am still there. I can tell you that if you try too hard you will only push him away and that might make it worse in the long run. I can only suggest that you give him the space he needs for a while. See if he responds to that. If not then start moving on and healing.

Keep busy and stay strong. Try to do what you feel is right. Everyone and everything is different so what hasnt worked out for me might work out for you.

If you want to talk about this at all or have any questions def feel free to ask or vent. I know what you are going through. Your feelings are not stupid!

{{HUGS}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:00am
Women and men are so different. While women can make long term committments, men only want to live at the moment and forget about the future.

It seems that we all are taking about the same man. From my perspective men get bored so easily, the need new excitements, new ways to have sex, new faces, etc. that's why they "want space" and feel "unhappy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:09pm
I hear you, I hear you!! I too have practically begged my ex to just say that it's over. And to stick to it. Because the instant I start to move on, he wins me back over. It's a pattern that everyone on this board recognizes, and I am ashamed to say I have been participating in it for way too long. Yes, I think your ex will be back. He will sense that moment when you're really starting to get over him, and he will do EVERYTHING he can to get back in your life. And then the instant you start reciprocating it, he'll lose interest again. It's a horrible cycle, I've done it and am doing it, and I don't recommend it. I'm at that point (AGAIN) where I realize how bad it is for me. I managed to break the cycle for several months this summer, but in July he found out I'd hooked up w/ another guy and he freaked out, making me feel guilty about doing that, making me feel sorry for all his problems, and above all making me want to be with someone who could have such strong feeling for me (even though I knew deep down he couldn't keep those strong feelings alive for very long). Everything was close between us for awhile til a few days ago, when I felt him shutting me out. It's so strange how you can feel it, he doesn't say or do anything dramatic, just the little signs of affection disappear.

It makes me crazy, it makes me have to start all over again the healing process I'd almost accomplished last summer. These guys are so addictive, so interesting, they make you feel SO GOOD when they are there with you, but they just can't sustain the sort of relationship that will make you happy. I've told myself this sort of dramatic back-and-forth is ok for now, because I often get bored in really committed relationships, and I know he's moving next month and it will end. BUT feeling this crazy, when the affection leaves, is not good. It makes me unable to focus on who I am and what I want, it even makes me unable to be interested in other guys, it turns me into this narrow-minded addict waiting for the next fix of attention from him.

I don't know if getting back together ever works out for other people, but your ex sounds a lot like mine, and it has DEFINITELY not worked out well for me.

Good luck, I know how much it hurts. Just remember, he is never going to make a decision about your relationship, he will keep the back-and-forth going forever if you let him. Any final decision is going to have to be yours.

-Starshaped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:42pm
Goodness. I think we are ALL dating the same guy! Lol. Some how, I do find some solace in knowing I am not the only one being treated like this.

I am getting to where I am almost glad he did this. We were almost seeing each other TOO often. Things were getting too comfortable. The only time we really fought is when he was going out of town somewhere (he is military). I apparently have some abandonment issues. I started to do some research and have realized that I may have “borderline personality disorder”. This is similar to being “bi-polar”. You are happy one minute, sad the next. You get angry easily, etc. After reading up on this, it sounds exactly like me. It’s no wonder that it seems I may have pushed him away. I emailed him about my great, milestone. He is actually interested and said he would buy the book about it. (So, he is interested in reading about my problems…I guess that’s a start.)

It seems that we have to learn about ourselves and understand ourselves before we can let another in. If we can’t even love ourselves, how can someone else love us?

I guess everything does happen for a reason. I needed to discover myself too. Too bad I had to be dumped to figure that out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:14pm
2 year blues. Question - Was there anything you have maybe said or done for him to feel presured to take the next step? You mentioned that you feel comfortable - maybe too comfortable- those are warning signs that the spark is starting to fade in the relationship for you or your partner. When the spark leaves and it gets ordinary or things become clock work for you and there is mention or hints of further steps such as marriage or kids, the person will feel trapped and want to step back. Relationships take work- lots of it- the spark will leave a relationship- but you have to know ways to bring it back and there are millions of ways to rejuvinate a relationship. Communication would have been a good thing to have in this case- you need to know how to keep the relationship alive and usually that takes communication from your partner and you. I believe you can get him back if your willing. It takes either you calling him up for lunch and discussing it like adults. Either that or you will move on and learn from it. I was in an 8 year relationship, it takes work and alot of it!!!!!!!!!! Just remember relationships arent what they are cracked up to be but sometimes can be bitter sweet when you know how to live healthy in one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:23pm
I'm sure I've probably said things about our future. Not to pressure him. I would have just liked to know if the relationship was going somewhere. (I've always been a little wary since he is in the military and only here for 2 more years.) I always got the same answer: "If it was meant to be, it will" "Whatever happens, happens". YUCK! Strangely enough, this is the same crap he is telling me now about us getting back together! UGH! I am a moron!

I can't call him up or see him. He doesn't want to do that right now. He can't handle anything too emotional right now. It's pretty much out of my hands and I am left wondering and waiting what will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 8:07pm
I understand what you are going through. It was like as much as I know I need to move on and let go it just cant happen until I have some kind of answers or some closure. It would be easier if he just said "Its over" I mean we all know there are possibilities but If he could just say that at this point it is over I would be able to move on without guilt or regrets. I am at the point where I know I have done all I can and that as much as he says he still loves me there is nothing i can do to change how he feels. But there is still something inside of me that is holding on. I guess time is the only answer I just hate the waiting!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:09pm
In my past relationship history...getting back together has never worked out for me. Sure things will be great when you first get back together, but just give it a few weeks, months or days and you will most likely be in the same predicament again. My new theory on relationships is that if it doesn't work out the first time...don't give it a second try. You are only setting yourself up for a let down. And trust me, it doesn't hurt any less the second or even third time around. It's tough to let go of a relationship, especially in your case where things seemed to be going well then fell apart. But your boyfriend probably just reached a breaking point and you should respect his boundaries. He obviously has some issues that he needs to sort out and if he really wanted your help with it he would probably ask you for it. Maybe he needs his space and the best way to help him out is to give it to him. You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay strong, I know it's hard...I am going through the same thing right now. But believe it or not, it makes me feel better to know that I can help somebody else out by giving a little advice from my experience. Remember...tomorrow is a whole new day. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:17pm
I hope things work out for you- It sounds like he has taken the reins on this one. However its not healthy for you to just sit around and wait until he comes back into your life either. Go out have fun- look at it as a goodbye for a while- ( Its never easy) Because if you dont, you will start having bitterness and resentment twards him if he came back to you later with a goodbye for good speech. He is out letting loose, hes not sitting around with you on his mind right now because if he was, he wouldnt need to leave you right now. Its pretty cut and dry thats why it hurts so bad. Have hope and if later- its meant to be- then it will happen. I just urge you to get out and find things you like to do to occupy your time and soon it will get easier- I promase!! I wish ya luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:47pm
Welcome to the board!!!

I'm sorry to hear about the break-up....I know how upsetting break-ups can be. In some cases I'm sure you could reconcile and things work out and I've heard it happening on occasion but in my experience it may have worked out short term but never in the long run. I don't mean to fill you with doubt but just be honest because I see no point in sugar coating things. It's very possible you could get back together and work things out but it may not happen and you just need to be ready either way. Grieve for the relationship and then try your best to move on, when you're ready. Just don't put your life on hold in the hopes of getting back together....just live your life and if he decides he made a mistake....he'll let you know. Good luck and keep us posted!!!

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