Does getting back together work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Does getting back together work?
9
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:13pm
Hello all-

I am new to the boards. I just had a question...from anyone's experience...after you break up, does getting back together ever work out? My gf and I were together for about 3 years...I broke it off with her, I needed to figure out things for myself, and I wasn't happy with myself...anyways we remained best friends...crossed the line more than a few times...but in the process I met someone else...nothing ever became of us...but when I started acting weird, and 'off' my ex would confront me about it. Everytime she did confront me I would deny it to spare her the pain, plus the situation was really sensitive and I was still confused about things...I was very vocal about the relationship, I never led her to believe that things were 'fine.' I just failed to fill her in on one aspect...finally 2 months after I had been really talking to this other girl, I fessed up...told my ex about her, but told her that me and the other girl had decided to remain friends...she was still angry nonetheless for me lieing to her...she felt that I'd betrayed her trust etc. etc....she was hurt...and I validated her feelings, because I know no matter what the circumstances...when someone you love lies to you, it hurts a whole hell of a lot...even if the lie is miniscule...anyways after a bunch of falling outs...I finally decided that space was best for us...we were both hurting times 10 everytime we talked...anyways we are gonna talk again in about a month when we're able to have a logical conversation and see eye to eye...I love her very much, and often wonder if it's possible for us to get back together in the future

So my question:

Is it possible if the trust has been broken?

Anyone have any stories?

Edited 9/15/2004 6:15 pm ET ET by snowball23


Edited 9/15/2004 6:19 pm ET ET by snowball23

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:19pm
Lol. Are you my boyfriend? ;) Story sounds all too familiar.

You should have told her the truth. You know that. Now it will be harder for her to trust you later on. I think she eventually will again, once she gets over the pain. (I don't think her anger is stemmed from you lying, I think it's for you persuing someone else.)

I have been hoping to get back with my exe since day one. We were dating 2 years & just seemed to start having too many little fights. He wanted space & broke it off.

After doing a lot of research, there has been PLENTY of relationships that have ended, but they reconcile only to get married later! (5 couples so far & that is just my co-workers!)

Give her time & good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:40pm
I wrote a lengthy message in response to a poll about getting back together with the ex, over on the Mending Broken Hearts board, check it out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:17pm
Milton333 and Company-

Thanks for the suggestions. I went over to that board and read about it, very interesting. Towards the last year of our relationship there were just a lot of issues, and us staying so close to one another-amplified those feelings even more. She was clinging to me while I was trying to break away, I wanted space a long time ago, and she was afraid to give it to me, and I wasn't strong enough to lay down the law. It really took this situation to allow eachother that space...she got a lot of backlash when I was going through my period of confusion when we were together...not only that, I had a lot of problems on the home front, I live with two alchoholic parents...and she heard the most of that too. Anyways, I am taking this month and all this time to better myself, I've been reading a lot of books..going to therapy, talking to family and friends as well. A couple weeks ago when she talked she told me that I wasn't "me" anymore, and she wanted the old person back in her life, the one that she fell in love with...what does that mean?




Edited 9/15/2004 7:37 pm ET ET by snowball23

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:14am
You know what, it takes a mature and growing person to do what you are doing. Take time to better yourself so that one day you CAN be in a healthy long term relationship. I was in a similar situation with ex. He was unhappy with himself and i think my 'success' constantly reminded of what he wasnt. I gave him the option to take time away from us, he didnt want it, only to 6 months down the road tell me that, after i brought up that i didnt feel like we were growing as a couple, the sexual chemistry wasnt there and he wanted to break up. He turned 40 last month.

The fact is if you are not a whole person, you cannot be in a healthy relationship and people will always find a reason to split. Regardless of our status i just hope that he will spend the time on himself, read the books, go to therapy, but trully with an open mind and aware that there is nothing wrong with admitting we need to work on ourselvels.

If you are undergoing major changes, she may be able to notice this already. Perhaps it is just so new to her, that it took her off guard and she wanted what was more familiar. Many people approach 'change' that way, i.e. in a negative way. If you two can one day be together, you will have to learn how to grow and support eachother in your growth processes with full knowledge that it may, one day lead you to being apart. it happens. I think the key thing in a good relationship is to never lie about who you are, what you are going through or how you feel. Even if you think it will hurt the person, be honest. Because the fact is that your partner will eventually find out and it will hurt that much more. It is far easier to get over what someone tells us, if it is indeed a true feeling, but much much harder to gain back trust.

Good luck. I think you are doing a great thing to better yourself. If you love her be honest about the process you are going through as she may have to be a key participant in the near future for you to figure out why exactly (this is a harder question than most think) you lied to her in teh first place.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:39am
For a minute there I was wondering if you were my ex-boyfriend, the story sounds incredibly familiar. We've been apart for about 7 months now and the only difference is that he's still seeing the other girl (even though he misses me and is sorry for what he did). I still haven't been able to figure that one out, but I am putting my life back together and trying to move on without him. It hurts sometimes though; I miss him a lot. I think he is still very confused about things but I have gotten to this point where I just can't hear it from him anymore because it confuses me. I don't know what you'd call our relationship now, we keep in touch but we're not really friends. I think we both want to keep some sort of connection in case one day we both get to the same place where we want to start all over again. Who knows with him though, it's definitely not something I'm waiting for.

Anyway, I can definitely relate to the "you're not you anymore" line. I've said that to my ex a million times. He totally changed when we broke up, actually it started even before that. He wanted space like you did but rather than talking about it he just started pushing me away. He stopped doing all the things he used to do with me a little at a time until there was hardly anything left. I'd give anything to have the guy that I used to know back and honestly that is the only way I would even think about giving him a second chance. I know we've both changed a lot since we broke up (we both really needed some space anyway) but that basic person would have to come back - the one I could trust and that was always there for me. That's who I was in love with.

I don't know if it can happen for you or me... but I can tell you that if today he started acting like himself again and he came to me and said he was no longer confused... well, then I would at least want to give it a try. But at the same time I am not waiting for that to happen. I think you should definitely take the time to figure out what you really want and then talk to her when you are no longer confused. There's always a chance she will have moved on but you really need to have things straight in your head first. If the timing is right then I don't think it's impossible for it to work out. I know a few couples that have gone through periods of separation like this. Getting back together is very hard but I think if you work at it enough then anything is possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:44pm
Hey guys

Thanks for the feedback thus far, it's really helped. The truth is, I've never lied to her before...we've always been open and honest with one another...I think that is another reason why this hit her so hard, it's cuz she didn't expect it from me-well I didn't expect it from me either. I think the reason why I lied in the first place was because I was scared, and I was trying to spare her feelings...I thought I could figure out things on my own, without causing her anymore pain. Then things kept piling up the confusion, the frustration, her expectations (we had future plans together if you know what I mean). I was trying to please everyone all at once, but killing myself...and ultimately I ended up hurting her and I in the end. What's really important to me, is having her trust back-I feel so horrible for breaking her trust...though I am happy about my path to self improvement...the pain is still there, knowing that I've hurt her in this way kills me so much. I've never been in this position before. I just want to know if something like this is fixable...like I said more than anything I want her trust back. We're going to talk again in about a month, we didn't really say who was calling who I guess it's just going to happen...at this time we're going to begin talking about things logically...because everytime we've talked since everything went down, she's been very closed off and standoffish...and I don't blame her for doing so, when someone hurts you, you put up the walls...I want to talk when we're both able to be open about everything, and she is a very forgiving and understanding person...so I am hoping that a month without me being so persistent, will be a good amount of time for her to sort things out...and then we will figure out where we go from there...we both want to be in one anothers lives...but not sure how yet...

How am I doing?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 5:38pm
You sound confused. I don't really understand what you want, and I bet your ex doesn't either. Maybe this is black and white thinking but you either want to be romantically involved with this woman or you don't. If you don't, all the space and time in the world isn't going to change that. If you do, then you don't really need space and time, you need to be talking to her.

You lied to her and betrayed her trust in you. Is that fixable? Yes. But it takes time. And you had better be prepared for her to not trust you for a long time, to be suspicious and to think it might happen again. That's natural.

It sounds to me like you don't really care about this woman. Your focus seems to be more on you, your pain and what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:51pm
Welcome to the board!!! In my experience getting back together has never worked.....but I don't want to discourage you....I think you need to tell her what you just typed to us...

"The truth is, I've never lied to her before...we've always been open and honest with one another...I think that is another reason why this hit her so hard, it's cuz she didn't expect it from me-well I didn't expect it from me either. I think the reason why I lied in the first place was because I was scared, and I was trying to spare her feelings...I thought I could figure out things on my own, without causing her anymore pain. Then things kept piling up the confusion, the frustration, her expectations (we had future plans together if you know what I mean). I was trying to please everyone all at once, but killing myself...and ultimately I ended up hurting her and I in the end. What's really important to me, is having her trust back-I feel so horrible for breaking her trust...though I am happy about my path to self improvement...the pain is still there, knowing that I've hurt her in this way kills me so much. I've never been in this position before. I just want to know if something like this is fixable...like I said more than anything I want her trust back"

just basicly let her know how much you care and how sorry you are and go from there....if you both are willing you can beat the odds and make it work. Good luck and I wish you the best. Keep us posted!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:35am
I think you should go for it. You have nothing to lose. If it's meant to be, it will all work out. I think it's great that you are willing to give it another try.