Does he Really want this breakup?
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Does he Really want this breakup?
| Thu, 10-04-2007 - 6:53am |
My boyfriend and I of 2 years broke up 2 days ago. We had been having problems since he wanted his "space" about 4 months ago. I tried to give it to him but it just was too difficult after a while. It was as if he asked me to go backwards in the relationship.
It was kind of a mutal thing, expcept that I told him if he would just meet me half way on a few things we could stay togethr. He felt he couldnt and that he wont be able to give me what I want in life so its best this way.
He wants to meet me tomorrow to collect his things he left here. I agreed and now Im afraid 1) I cant handle watching him walk out that door forever and 2) Im afraid the attraction between us will end us up in bed togerher.
He told me the other day that no contact was best for us, yet the last 2 days he sees me online and he messages with me for an hour. He makes comments about me dating again, looking for new guys as if hes jealous. If hes jealous and wants me....why is he ending us????
It was kind of a mutal thing, expcept that I told him if he would just meet me half way on a few things we could stay togethr. He felt he couldnt and that he wont be able to give me what I want in life so its best this way.
He wants to meet me tomorrow to collect his things he left here. I agreed and now Im afraid 1) I cant handle watching him walk out that door forever and 2) Im afraid the attraction between us will end us up in bed togerher.
He told me the other day that no contact was best for us, yet the last 2 days he sees me online and he messages with me for an hour. He makes comments about me dating again, looking for new guys as if hes jealous. If hes jealous and wants me....why is he ending us????

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Hi, Deb.
I think it was 3 weeks ago. Maybe 4.
We had our first date almost a year ago, and it was wonderful. We fell hard in love. I was high on love for an entire month and a half, nearly useless in my bliss. We felt very compatible, spent insane time together. It was great!
About 5 months in we hit a big bump. Both of our deep insecurities were being triggered, and as a result we were interacting in a wierd way...him pulling away and avoiding, and me trying to tip-toe around, and when I finally tried to address our communication directly, he really freaked and pulled away. He finally told me that he was thinking of splitting up and needed some space to get his head together. He asked for 2 weeks of no contact. I agreed. They were an awful 2 weeks for me.
At the end of it, we came together for a talk, and he said he wanted to stay in the relationship, but he was getting triggered in the relationship by a couple of things, that the work it brought up on his own issues was too hard, and he wanted to slow things down. We talked about what slowing things down looked like for him, and it was all doable for me. We purposefully checked in every few weeks to talk directly about issues, boundaries, how things felt, etc. We made adjustments. It was work, but we felt good about the honesty and clarity we had in the relationship.
Now, one thing that is a big trigger for me is abandonment, so when he pulls away, my insecurities flare. About two months ago, I got very ill for a long time. One thing that happens when I am ill, is I get more needy and more insecure about being abandoned. When I do not get the care I want (and even erroneously think I "need"), I feel like I am not loved. This is all stuff I work hard on tolerating more, but because I am who I am and that I have gone through what I have gone through, this isa big part of who I am, and easing that has been a long, slow process. I am very committed to growth, but it doesn't disappear overnight.
So, I was triggering his issues of not being good enough bigtime, and interactions between us got wierd again. As usual, I addressed them directly and asked for a talk. He asked for a couple days of space to clear his head, and said he wasn't leaving the relationship. I was freaked, but I also needed some space, so I made the best of it. When we met a couple nights later, I was calm...and so was he. Over the weekend, he had shifted from staying in the relationship to deciding he needed out. He couldn't really tell me why, that night, he thought we "didn't have a future", but said that he loved me and my personality, this just wasn't right for him right now. But, when I e-mailed him about the details of NC a couple days later he said that specifically he didn't want to work so hard on his issues of not being good enough. Our initial talk the night he left the relationship was very brief...maybe ten minutes, because I knew innately that what he was doing he believed was truly best for him. I asked him to leave almost immediately so I wouldnt try to convince him to stay. He was so calm and sure, and this was such a break from his norm, I knew he had taken a big step being honest about what he needed. I can't help but cheer for him inside even as it means I no longer have what I so loved in my life.
So...that's it. It is over. I didn't want it to be, but I am moving quickly to acceptance. I love him. I am proud of him. I am also so proud of myself. I was so physically ill from my infection when he left, and I handled it so well anyway, despite my long-held beliefs about being helpless when I am ill. I initiated clear boudnaries of NC almost immediately, and focused on acceptance and moving on from the first moments after he left. I turned my attention to processing my anger at myself for not being good enough. There are so many lessons for me in this ending.
We have both grown so much, and I am grateful for the part our relationship played in that. But...despite the clarity I have on that, I still have to go through the grief process.
Our relationship did the job of bringing us both to tremendous personal growth and showed me so much about what love is like. I have come to believe that he and I are exactly where we are supposed to be in relation to one another at this moment. I can resist what I am faced with or I can face the situation full on and accept the lessons and growth opportunities it brings, lessons that I suspect I needed very badly. I wouldn't have asked for them to come to me this way, but I believe the present moment is the perfect teacher, and this is right and perfect.
This is the first time I have had faith in any sort of larger plan or guiding force or spirit in a very long time. It has been a tremendous awakening for me.
That's it. That's my story.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I just break up two days ago. a relationship of 4.5 years.
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