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| Sun, 05-14-2006 - 9:05pm |
i feel so silly for being upset by all this, but again coming here really helps a lot and i just need to get a few things off my chest...
its been months since we have broken up, about 2 months since the whole not hanging started and it just feels like such a rollercoaster. i kinda came to my senses last week when after a big day i wanted to celebrate with some friends, and he didnt want to join me. i was incredibly upset by that. so he and i got in a big argument and i left for the weekend and didnt speak to him for a few days. he tried contacting me on sunday night, and i was polite but that was about it. so then fast forward to this week, things were alright. i talked to a few friends and we talked about the situation and how i need to handle it. and it came to the fact that well maybe he is actually trying to salvage our friendship, that by us not hanging out (bc when we do, we flirt, and we get touchy feely and stuff) that maybe it will help one day down the road where we can hang out and not be all over each other. so i was like ok i can handle this, maybe its for the best, and maybe i was being selfish with everything. so i talked to him about it, and he understood why i was upset and thanked me for thinking things through and that he will work hard on our friendship. so on wednesday he came by and saw me and just gave me the biggest hug and lifted me up in the air and it was fun and fine. and i was like ok this is gonna be alright...well the next day i tried iming him and nothing back. i know finals are starting up this week so i figured he might be busy working on things for class. so i tried giving him the benefit of the doubt.
this past weekend i tried talking to him on im a few times, and we didnt really talk that much, i feel like i was more of a pain in the butt or a burden than someone fun to talk to. thats what im working on, getting my fun self back and just not caring. but i do care about this, and it is starting to bother me that we havent really talked that much lately. i see it like, ok you tell me that you are going to work on our friendship and everything will be fine...well this is one of those situations, like dont ignore me on im, make an effort to say hey more than i do..id really appreciate that.
i guess im kinda hoping that once summer comes, that we will talk more. i know he is a committmentphobe somewhat and that he does come to life a lil bit more when we are away from each other, but its like i want him to be excited to talk to me and everything.
im still so jealous of his ex and want to be her sometimes. i hate it. she treats him like crap, i think she is a complete psycho but he still is all about her i guess. just the other day, he had up an away message of an im conversation from the two of them talking about a sport game...and it was like just like uggg here we ago again...whats the matter with me? what did i do to disgust him so?
please help me keep my cool, and maybe possibly keep things open for later...and by later i mean 5-6 years down the road...
thank you all so much and God bless every one of you!
-dance

You aren't silly! I'm sorry you feel like you're losing your cool...
I'm sure you've heard this before, and believe me, I know it gets old/annoying :) but maybe you just CAN'T be his friend right now. I know it's sooooooooo incredibly difficult to go from being so close to someone to having little or no contact with them--hey, I've been in on-off contact w/my ex for two years! It's definitely been a rollercoaster for me as well. There were times when I thought I hated him, thought he hated me, thought we were going to get back together, thought we were finally going to be "friends," and now I just feel indifferent towards him for the most part. But it's taken me a long time to reach this point, and at first I was really sad that we are unable to be friends, but I'm doing alright. Trying to be his friend was causing me more trouble than it was worth. Like you, I always felt like I was being a burden; that I was bothering him whenever I contacted him. It frustrated me that he didn't contact me as often as he had during our relationship, and that I seemed to be putting in way more effort than he was. And then I would either try to make excuses for him and blame myself for his lack of interest, or I would get mad at him for not making any effort to stay in touch.
I'm not saying you don't have a reason to be upset, frustrated, etc...and I know you're probably just feeling sad over losing such a close friend. But think of it this way: do you worry over your other friendships like this one? You obviously still have feelings for your ex (I denied mine for a long time; I convinced myself that I really did just want to be friends). My feelings for my ex hindered my ability to just be his friend; I would get jealous over his new girlfriend, and feel neglected/sad when he ignored me or didn't contact me for awhile. I didn't like going from being a top priority in his life to being what seemed to be just a mere acquaintance.
We were actually good friends before we dated, and you know what? We didn't talk that often (we lived in different states), and I never worried about it at all. I cherished our contact when we had it; but if we didn't talk for awhile, I never thought to myself, "Oh no, maybe we're not friends anymore" or "Maybe he's mad at me," etc. I just don't think that a true, healthy friendship should cause so much pain/drama/uncertainty. It's really difficult to make a smooth transition from lovers to friends...it definitely takes time and acceptance by both parties that the actual relationship is over.
I do think it's possible to be friends with an ex, but not right away and it's something that you can't force. I learned my lesson the hard way after trying to force a friendship with my ex (for all the wrong reasons) for the past two years...but I eventually realized a couple things: 1) I'm not ready or able to be just a friend, and 2) I don't want to be his friend. If you're really meant to be friends, then you will be. If you really want to be his friend, then BE HIS FRIEND. Be his friend when you can think of him as not an "ex," but as a FRIEND. And I'm sure you realize that being someone's friend is not about talking every day, or even being excited to talk to someone. Don't stress out about it; don't worry about how often you talk to him or things like that. I understand that you want to keep the door open, but you can't waste your time worrying about it so much. Life is too short! Take care of and protect yourself...if that means taking a break from him, then do it. Don't try to force anything. When you can handle *not* being in his life the way you once were, then you know you'll be ready to be his friend again.
"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
"Never give up on what you believe to be a true friendship. If it was, it is, and it will always be."
"I guess what I’ve learned over the years is that real friends, the truest of friends, are those who know all about you and like you anyway. They are the people that no matter how long it has been since you have talked to them or seen them, you can call them up and just pick up right where you left off, like no time had even passed since your last conversation."
KCL19310,
WOW reading your reply was like reading something I wrote in my journal. I cant believe the similarities and how you make sense off what I am going through and rationalizing it in a healthy, controllable way.
Yeah you're right, I do not worry so much about other friendships and whether we are friends or not. Guess I am still attached to this guy, and we would do the whole hanging out thing, going out to dinner, spending a lot of time together especially after we broke up last fall and this lasted till about mid winter, early spring.
I hate forcing things and I know forcing this friendship will just be a terrible thing. Its just hard to have my IMs go unanswered or worse, him just signing off without saying a word...that makes me feel like a pain. And I know that when we were together, even last summer, he was always iming me, all the time, calling me several times a day, and its hard now to not have that same contact.
He is leaving later this week to go home for the summer then probably switching schools in the fall. I worry that I in terms of us seeing each other again isnt going to happen unless its by fluke and we run into each other on the street.
Its just really sad, to not have someone fight for me. To make me feel like crap, that I am not worth it, not enough. I look in the mirror sometimes and I just want to cry.
In terms of the other girl, that was always something in the back while we were together...they dated for a year and a half and then broke up in the fall and we started dating in the winter. she was and still completely head over heels for him and he just never really got over her either...even though i was with him then, i felt like the other girl.
he is a flirty guy and even last night i worried that he was with someone else. :( i hate feeling this way and i wish i could just turn it off and MOVE ON like everyone else tells me to. Trust me if there was an easy way to move on i would, but its like im afraid of losing him completely...but i dont even know whats going on...
thought id get that out...and thanks for taking the time to answer my post
God bless always,
dance