Does more experience make it easier?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Does more experience make it easier?
6
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:04pm
Just curious....

Do people who have experienced break ups numerous times find it easier? I dated/married/divorced my high school "sour"heart, so I haven't had much dating experience. A recent breakup w/my bf got me wondering..... if I had dated a lot in high school, college, etc... would it have been easier to deal with?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:41pm
That's an interesting question, sarazette. I'm 41 and I've had many breakups since my first relationship ended when I was 21. Yes, in a way it does get easier because you've been through it before and you know it will end and what will happen and how you'll feel, etc.

In another way it's harder though. When you've had as many breakups as I've had (about ten) you just sort of get tired and begin to think that it's just never going to happen and you develop of a sort of "why don't I just give up on love already" kind of mentality.

All of my breakups weren't difficult. Usually when I decided the guy just wasn't right for me for one reason or another and I ended it I recovered pretty quickly. It's those few where I really loved the guy but he was treating me badly or couldn't really give me what I wanted, those really hurt ...

So I guess my real answer is it depends. Sometimes experience makes it easier, sometimes not. It depends on where you are in your life, what the other person was like, how long the relationship lasted, how close you were, etc.

Interesting question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:27pm
There's never a "been there done that" attitude with me about my breakups, it's not like trying on a pair of shoes and finding out they weren't a good fit. I'm 27. It is "easier" in the sense that you realize you have been through it before and survived and if you endure it again you will survive once more but it can still hurt very deeply depending on your feelings for someone and how things ended. There are also valuable lessons to learn from each relationship ending, you learn what you really want in someone the next time, what to avoid, and you know the best ways to help yourself heal.

The key thing for anyone is to not become jaded or bitter, I have friends like that who think that every guy is a jerk who is just going to cause them heartache and are always second guessing anything he does. You can't live like that and I feel sorry for women who think that way. You should always be careful with your heart and pay attention to making sure your needs are met when you date someone, just don't go into a new relationship thinking it will automatically be a dissapointment. Just my two cents for the day :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:36pm
You know, I think for most people, there are just some breakups that really have an impact more than others. There are obviously some people you just aren't as in love with, there are some who are clearly bad for you, there are some that you initiate because you know it isn't working and it's not such agony for you. But, there are often just weird combinations of factors that make one breakup a lot harder to deal with than others. Like you, I'm divorced, and I've heard this story many times on this board - for some reason, the breakup with this boyfriend was much harder to cope with than the divorce. That may be because divorces often come after quite some time (often years) of dissatisfaction, trying to work on the problems, whatever, and are generally mutual and/or at least preceded by plenty of warning. Sometimes bf-gf things aren't as open on the communication front, sometimes you are taken by surprise by an ending that you didn't see coming, or maybe there is some other combination of factors (intense love, chemistry, particular expectations, circumstances of the breakup, phase in your life, etc.) that makes some breakups just so much more painful than others. But I'm not sure if experience would make it any easier, and I think many people who have experienced breakups before find themselves just stunned and having real difficulty with one in particular.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:01pm
Having had some breakups (not that many, not that few) I can tell you that easier is not really the case. The stages of mourning remain the same if you loved someone who is no longer there (whether it's because they chose to leave or you decided to leave cause even though you love them, they don't know how to love you back). The pain is the same. What is indeed different, is the fact that YOU KNOW that you will get throught it. The first time, it feels like the world will end. The second and third and tenth times it feels like the world will end too...but you KNOW that's not true. That's my take on it. I have been thinking about this for a while now, and yes, when my bf broke up with me one month ago (today is the one month anniversary! yipee!) I was so aware that things would get better for me (emotionally) with time. I love him, but I can't change his mind about anything... And this was different for me. Last time I had an unwanted breakup I wasn't sure how the hell I was gonna survive. Now that I have done it (survived, I mean) I know I'll be fine. This too shall pass. Stay strong.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 7:13am
I think experience makes it easier to deal with the next relationship and break up.

I just have had one relationship, which is over, but I feel like I leart a lot from it. I realised how naive I was, guys say many things that they really don't mean (like I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, etc.), so next time that I listen to the same, no matter how wonderful and honest a guy might seem, I will know for sure that he might change his mind.

What is causing me a lot of pain now is the fact that I thought my ex really meant all the things he said. Next time it happens, I will be full awared of this and it shouldn't make suffer again.

I really don't understand how someone cannot learn from her experiences. It is incredible that some people can repeat the same pattern every time they have a relationship.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:07pm
It never gets easier, no matter how much experience you have had in the past. Each relationship is unique and feelings are different. Each break up feels like it was worse than the last, but in time we move on to greener grass and things get easier and better.