Does no contact really work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Does no contact really work?
11
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 1:49pm

Hi, I'm new here. I've been involved with other boards here and found most to be great, as I'm sure you all are… so hello! I’m a 33 year old woman with a broken heart.

I’m sure that here a lot of people asking "so how do I get him back", my answer has usually been "Why bother...something was wrong". Well, I want to bother as I’ve made some mistakes (nothing like cheating), that I'd like to go back and correct.

I have been with my ex for 2 years. We moved in together about 9 months after meeting. We are both in white collar professions but each had long stints of unemployment during the last 2 years. Once we were both employed, he asked me to move out. We were fighting a lot, he was avoiding home and I was mad, which made him avoid it... We both admitted to having things we needed to work on.

His reasoning for asking me to leave was that he needed to fix himself, by himself, for us… That he loves me and thing will be incredible when we are back. I had a hard time accepting this, but moved out. Expecting that he was off "fixing himself", I have come to find out that he has been dating different people. (I've been gone since January 1st) I have not reacted very calmly and have annoyed him immensely a few times (calling a million times, etc). I was very emotional.

I am going to keep my distance while I give him a break and lose some weight that I gained (about 15-20 lbs to go!). But after he told me that he is not in love with me anymore (citing my "craziness") I am so afraid about him being out there dating.

I should have faith, I know. If it was meant to be it will happen, etc. We saw each other last weekend and I had lost 10 lbs since the last time. He just kept saying how great I look and "he *wants to* but he cant" as we was kissing me. (I never even suggested) Two days later, on valentines day, he was on a date.

It's been a week since I contacted him but went on a short trip since. He is coming back tonight. I sent him a happy birthday text message yesterday- no response. I just found out about the V-Day date today. I am sooooooo upset and feel like I’m losing any ground I had.

Does anyone have any advice to give? There is a small thread of hope, I just don't want to ruin it (or lose my dignity), or let it fade. I appreciate it!

Holly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:48pm

Hi Holly,

After reading your post you sound a lot like me. I have been broken up with my boyfriend for about two weeks now, we were together for 1.5 years and it was the same story, fighting all the time,we were at different stages of our lives, until finally we broke up. He contacts me through msn and calls once in a while, I do the same with him. sometimes everyday. I'm still holding on to hope, hope that he will change his ways yet he enjoys this new found freedom he so called has. He's still living the same life he did with me so the only freedom I can vouch for is him not having to call me and check in (all of the time, his words). I used to ask all sorts of questions when we'd speak and now I just keep it simple and "chat" with him. No point in asking questions because whatever it is that he's going to tell me will either hurt or be a lie. I don't think you should be putting all of your energy in to wanting him back because as long as he knows you're still sitting around waiting for him he'll never make a move. It's tricky because I know you're scared of losing him but by waiting you're just losing yourself. I noticed that even though at times I sit watching the phone waiting for his call, he doesn't know this and it makes him wonder. Because when I finally do talk to him, he has a bunch of questions for me.
Because like you, when the relationship ended I was an emotional wreck, that's what sticks in his mind, so you need to change that pattern and stop allowing him to think life doesn't go on without him. If you are not strong enough to do this for yourself then do it to show him that you are able to get yourself back. You are "old Holly, the Holly he fell in love with" and in the process you will get yourself back.. Even if in the end you're not with him you will be in a better place than you are right now.

Hang in there, I know it's not easy but believe me, in time, it does get better..

Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:01pm

First, never let your weight dictate your attractiveness and appeal to a man. Being 20 lbs. over doesn't change you or your value as a person. The only thing it really means is you have 20 extra pounds on the scale.

It's hard when well intended words contridict a persons actions thereafter, and it is no surprise you are hurt and confused. But you have to look at the facts regarding his circumstance at present: the two of you broke up, and he is now single and free to date and see other women. And hard though it is to say, you aren't one of the women he is dating right now - you are the ex who is leaving the door open and he is keeping in touch.

Set a certain amount of weeks to not call or email him, and to not be any place he is likely to show up: six weeks could be a good number. In those six weeks, live and think like you truly are right now - a newly single woman who is just as free to date and see new people, and to "work on" herself (for herself) as well. If he calls or gets in touch during that time, tell him YOU will get in contact (once the remaining amount of time you have set has passed). And during all of this time, stop thinking about what doesn't make sense or add up - focus on the facts of what you do know and have learned about your ex since the two of you broke up.

You might find in six weeks, you see things differently!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:06pm

Holly,
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I am also going through a break up and right now there is no contact what so ever. I do still talk to his mom now and then ( what can I say the woman loves me and is mad at her son for being a jerk). I do feel that you should stop all contact with your ex. He seems to have already moved on, since he is dating and telling you that he no longer loves you. I know that is the most hurtful thing to hear when you, yourself are still in love. Moving on is the hardest thing in the world but you have to do it and I know you can....because I have started to myself...and it kills everyday to not be able to have him in my life but I do promise that the pain does get less as time goes on. I think that because you are still seeing him (and kissing him) on the occasion you are giving yourself false hope of getting back together....let him see what life is really like with out you around. And you take the time to see what life can be like without him around. Like our great board host Nikki told me "I figure, if he decides that you two should get back together (and you think so too, of course) he will let you know. If you're not with anyone else, then maybe it will be an easy decision for you; and if you just happen to be seeing someone even more fabulous, then I guess he missed the boat!" Good luck and great job with loosing weight and making goals for yourself...I am also loosing a lot of weight myself that I put on throughout my relationship with my ex...hey maybe that too is telling me something was wrong if I was turning to food instead of him....what do you think?

jenkacz78

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:28pm

I agree with all that, which is why I feel so stupid asking for advice on how to "win him back". I just can't understand how he can tell me (literally) one day that I am the most wonderful, sexy, intelligent woman ever and he'll always love me, and then two days later (literally) say he's not "in love" with me. If I could really accept he was telling the truth, I would go on my healing way....

Hang tough, We'll all get through it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:17pm
Get the book "He's Just not that Into You" NOW!! Read it, Live by it, and let it fulfill you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:21pm
I thought that book was more geared toward dating... not a two year, live in type of relationship. I will get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:35pm

I've marked my calendar... it sounds like a great plan! Sometimes you just need to chart things out when everything (emotionally) feels out of control....

He's back from vacation last night and has yet to call me. Altough, I'm not shocked at all, I feel ok. I'm sure I'll hear from him by week end, my plan is to be polite and get off the phone.

Thanks girls!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 4:30pm

The principles apply to any relationship in which you're not getting what you want, need and/or deserve.

It's basically common sense though...a man who is right for you will do what it takes to make the relationship work. This guy isn't right for you. The sooner you start to accept that, and put no contact into effect, the sooner you'll be over him and ready to meet someone who IS right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 6:20pm
The authour wrote another book, "It's called a break up because it's broken". It's a light, but very reassuring, read, and drives home the fact when a relationship is over, it really is "over".

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 7:15pm
Though sometimes it not....

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