Does no contact really work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2005
Does no contact really work?
11
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 1:49pm

Hi, I'm new here. I've been involved with other boards here and found most to be great, as I'm sure you all are… so hello! I’m a 33 year old woman with a broken heart.

I’m sure that here a lot of people asking "so how do I get him back", my answer has usually been "Why bother...something was wrong". Well, I want to bother as I’ve made some mistakes (nothing like cheating), that I'd like to go back and correct.

I have been with my ex for 2 years. We moved in together about 9 months after meeting. We are both in white collar professions but each had long stints of unemployment during the last 2 years. Once we were both employed, he asked me to move out. We were fighting a lot, he was avoiding home and I was mad, which made him avoid it... We both admitted to having things we needed to work on.

His reasoning for asking me to leave was that he needed to fix himself, by himself, for us… That he loves me and thing will be incredible when we are back. I had a hard time accepting this, but moved out. Expecting that he was off "fixing himself", I have come to find out that he has been dating different people. (I've been gone since January 1st) I have not reacted very calmly and have annoyed him immensely a few times (calling a million times, etc). I was very emotional.

I am going to keep my distance while I give him a break and lose some weight that I gained (about 15-20 lbs to go!). But after he told me that he is not in love with me anymore (citing my "craziness") I am so afraid about him being out there dating.

I should have faith, I know. If it was meant to be it will happen, etc. We saw each other last weekend and I had lost 10 lbs since the last time. He just kept saying how great I look and "he *wants to* but he cant" as we was kissing me. (I never even suggested) Two days later, on valentines day, he was on a date.

It's been a week since I contacted him but went on a short trip since. He is coming back tonight. I sent him a happy birthday text message yesterday- no response. I just found out about the V-Day date today. I am sooooooo upset and feel like I’m losing any ground I had.

Does anyone have any advice to give? There is a small thread of hope, I just don't want to ruin it (or lose my dignity), or let it fade. I appreciate it!

Holly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 8:44pm

When a couple breaks up, I think it's safe to assume their relationship as a couple is over. There might still be a lot of feelings and emotions, and there might still be contact and perhaps seeing each other, but until two people make a decision to get back together as a couple in a relationship, they "used" to be in a relationship.

I think that's why "no contact" for a set period of time after a relationship ends is a good idea: no contact or seeing each other reinforces the fact the relationship that once was is over. And that "no contact" period is also time and space to reflect on why it is over, as well as what both people have been up to in the time since they went their own way.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

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