Does real love fade?
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| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 7:08pm |
Well...I'm posting again. I'm just wondering if real (or "true" what have you) love ever "goes away." Basically, I'm asking b/c I am *still*, after three months of being broken up, just as in love with my ex ever. And I still just plain old love and respect him just as much as ever, perhaps even more. I'm not in touch with him, which isn't "difficult" like it was a few months ago when I had to fight with myself not to pick up the phone, but it still hurts. And while I understand that it's okay to feel that hurt and that there is nothing to "make" it go away, I'm wondering if it ever *will* go away. It's there b/c I'm madly in love with some one that I can no longer have as I want him--I could have him as a "just friend" if that's what I wanted, but it's not so...yeah. Rambling.
Does the intense feeling of unrequited love ever just fade into something manageable? How does one continue with ones romantic life when you are in love with someone else? At the moment I'm just telling the guys I go on dates with that I only want companionship, fun times and no expectation or obligation (but of course whatever happens will happen), which is truly all I want from them right now, because I'm emotionally invested in someone else (but I don't say the last part). They've been fun dates with fun, nice and attractive guys, whose company I have enjoyed quite a bit. But, I don't know...though they're fun and all that I want from men right now, they make me feel the loss of my ex all the more acutely. Simply b/c what I had with him was deep and soulful...and what I have with these guys, even if we get along, have fun and are friends, is so very not. oh that pesky love.

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If you keep people on a pedestal - you NEVER get over them.
Love is respect, admiration, trust, and acceptance of who they are at the core level. Who they are as a person. If they've decided that this relationship didn't work for them.....admiring the traits and qualities they possessed, allowing the enlightenment and empowerment in your life that they inspired in you to seek to be utilized - is what you do.
Think of it as "in remembrance of you"....and it's easier to comprehend. Unrequited love is where you refuse to "get a life, find happiness, love or success in the world...without them you're a gaping wound oozing blood and pus. Nobody compares, and nothing is "right" and there is no way to "get past this loss"."
What's infinitely better than that in these situations is "in remembrance of you" life pursuit......that really brings you such joy, fulfillment, success, and security and self-completion you'd be amazed.
This concept is a reality when someone you love, trust, admire, respect, and accept for those they are has truly passed away. There is no more contact, no more conversations, shared events, no more hugs or emotional bond that is available to you. YOu're here, and they've passed away. But in remembrance of all that their love, their abilities, their character, their traits inspired in you, offered you, allowed you to become....you're a better person for them having been in your life....and you have a higher standard for self than you had before. In remembrance of them - you live up to that "new potential"..........
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
<<<>>>
Ok, help me...this is a very important thread for me to pay attention to. I am in intelligent woman....but my mind is not wrapping around this and I am sure it is making sense to most of you. So, I am asking for help on this one (truly). I have been unrequited love. I've loved from afar one too many times. Yes, Ive had relationships that I didn't want as well, so its not about the attention from just any man.
So please...tell me the original poster was talking about unrequited love and how to get rid of the feelings for someone who you truly KNOW you LOVE (everysense of the word to the point of great sacrifice)....how when someone dumps you without a fight, or anything, who sees you as a "buddy" etc...but YOU feel LOVE for them in all capacities...does that not make them the one for you...just because they dont feel it, or they don't know what love is (i truly think that is so sometimes especially if THEY try to keep you in their life, not the other way around etc.)
Mine was not a instense sexual relationship...it wasn't about the sex. I love him and cannot in my mind let go of that. I didn't do anything wrong. We had no fight. He became attached to someone at work who was going to help him escape his problems the easy way...not sure if he loves her...but he is not calling me baby anymore..he is living with her and her kids....calls me for advice (nothing else) and says " not going to lose a friend over a girl". huh wuh? He sees me as a buddy. He has no reason to call me anymore. He and I are pretty much alone in the world family wise. Ive never leaned on him because of his previous situation(married) ...but there was a time where we were more than just friends...and now i am discounted to friend again. I am in love with him. How does it stop?? If i was just his friend...that explains why we don't talk daily like we did...but why can he explain away me as his friend when he needs to ..ARGh now i make no sense.
This is the second unrequited relationship Ive had in my life.....its the worse and the best feeling because I know what love is...the sacrifice you make for "right" thing, the support you give because you want to honor the true love you feel. No hate etc. But oh my the heartbreak. Sure its great to know *you* know what true love is...but its so crappy being a martyr. On your death bed, you may be remembered by them...but oh the parts of life you get denied.
So back to my question. Why is the fact that *I* truly love someone ...not make them the one that was right for me. Why is it only good if they think they loved me too. God I get that denied me as well?
Erin, oh trust me I am so very thankful of my ex for being both a source of inspiration and a giant kick in the pants to pull myself together, especially with the eating disorder. I am living a lot of my life "in remembrance" of him, as you put it, insofar as being with him made me a better person and has helped me to grow immensely--both in and out of the relationship we had together--and I will continue to move along that path b/c of what he has taught me.
But, though I'm not really an oozing wound nor I am I putting him on a pedastle, I'm more of a crusty wound that is possibly infected and knows that this guy is the best guy I've met in my life to date (not that there may not be cooler, better guys, but that of all the men I've known, he's #1). I don't know what to say here. I understand entirely what you're saying about what people do when a love passes away...and, in truth, I think that might be "easier" than this b/c, well, he's not dead. He is, in fact, 20 minutes away alive and kicking, hoping that I'll get to a point where I can "be friends" with him and we can "let time tell what will be." I'm TRYING to grieve, and I'm TRYING to get over him b/c Lord knows I want to be able to do that, but the thing is that every single shred of my being is screaming at me that he's IT. That he is the one I want to be with forever and ever and ever again.
And yes, Angelicafox, my rational self continues to tell me that by the very fact that we are broken up he must not be "it." Of that fact I am fully aware, as I am with all the rest of your welcome and insightful post. Yet, even my rational self in my most lucid, brutally honest moments, isn't fully convinced that he's not the one for me "just because" we broke up. And I do think that my love for him can indeed be very real and very true, even if it is onesided, which is EXACTLY the problem.
I really don't think that there's much to say here. I'm searching for answers where there are none. As always, I truly value and appreciate everyone's input, but man...I just don't think there's anything to be said or done. I feel how I feel and that may or may not ever change. I love and am terribly in love with someone that...just doesn't want with me what I want with him. I don't understand it, I can't control it, I can't change it. All I can do is accept those facts, know that they're not going to change and move on with my life. But...*sigh* it hurts oh so very much...and it gets burdensome sometimes.
Edited 4/14/2005 12:07 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
eeyore,
your post STRUCK ME... its EXACTLY how i feel about my situation.
<<<"being with him made me a better person and has helped me to grow immensely--both in and out of the relationship we had together">>>
for me.. although there are plenty of moments in which i regret having ever met my ex, moments in which i feel resentment towards him, moments in which i wish i never found such a relationship that would lead me to this pain... but at the same time, im aware of the lessons my ex and our relationship has taught me...and not only that, my entire experience with him has given me strength as well - even in the moments, like now, when i am weak... and for that, i am at least grateful and appreciative.
and like you - not that i put him on a pedastle, at the same time - i know that hes #1. im not blind to his imperfections, because believe me - i see all of them! im not in denial of our relationships lackings - because im fully aware. and im sure that there are plenty of great and even better fishes out in the sea... but i still adore him nonetheless... to bits and pieces..
<<<"I'm TRYING to grieve, and I'm TRYING to get over him b/c Lord knows I want to be able to do that, but the thing is that every single shred of my being is screaming at me that he's IT. That he is the one I want to be with forever and ever and ever again.">>>
<<<"my rational self continues to tell me that by the very fact that we are broken up he must not be "it." ... Yet, even my rational self in my most lucid, brutally honest moments, isn't fully convinced that he's not the one for me "just because" we broke up.">>>
thats where i am as well... its not as though i dont WANT to move on, not as though i dont WANT to feel alive again or let go...i too am TRYING to grieve and get over him because - like you said, Lord knows how much i pray to be able to. but theres this part of me, that just screams that hes IT.. this part that just KNOWS it. now, ive tried with sooo much effort to pinpoint this feeling that i have and identify what it is. is it just hope?? is it denial?? is it abused-woman syndrome?? is it fear of rejection? is it fear of being alone? is it my hurt talking? but no matter how MUCH i just WISH that it was everything BUT my intuition - i CANT seem to shake it off. i know it sounds sooo stupid, and its sooo had to try and explain .. but theres just this part of me that just KNOWS how US is RIGHT.
and alike you, although my rational self is able to point out that he must not really be it if we're broken up... but my gut is still telling me that this breakup is not right, and honestly - id love to be able to shake this feeling off or blame it on my "denial" or "rose coloured glasses" if you may - but i cant. and thats whats holding me from walking off easily.. its holding me back from being able to easily move on. i can think on the surface how he isnt the one for me if he's willing to give up on me...i am fully aware of this strong fact - but in the moments when im lying in bed in the dark, in the moments when i am silent and i "centre" myself.. in the moments when i truly let my heart feel and intuition speak .. i am unable to convince myself that this breakup is meant to be. i feel like i am going against my grain. i feel like im doing something wrong and unnatural and i just know in the pit of my stomach that this realllly shouldnt be it...honestly, i wish it was me just trying to believe in something not there, i wish it was a symptom of me being unable to let go .. but no matter how much i try to convince myself that its that...this ill feeling in me just KNOWS otherwise.. :(
<<<"I love and am terribly in love with someone that...just doesn't want with me what I want with him. I don't understand it, I can't control it, I can't change it. All I can do is move on with my life. But...*sigh* it hurts oh so very much...and it gets burdensome.">>>
precisely how i feel. i dont know what to do. i know something, believe in something - and honestly, how i would LOVEEEE to rid myself of this gut-wrenching feeling. but it seems to be this intuition stuck within me, and thats the thing that makes this breakup that much more harder to digest. i dont know how i can translate what i feel to him. he's stuck in his "cant convince myself this will work," and "the braver thing to do is let the relationship go. if we make a mistake, we'll know. if its supposed to happen, it will." ... so i guess, despite it all - situation and facts remains, and unfortunately - we gotta keep pushing through ..
hope youre feeling better, and having a good day :)
thanks for the post...
(((HUGS)))
eeksj
Lizzie, I think you're expressing a very common attitude that is extremely unhealthy. The fact that you equate sacrifice and lots of one-sided "giving" with love is a big red flag here. Love is about companionship, affection, and acceptance of obligations (commitment) between two equals who stand on their own feet and contribute equally to the relationship. Sacrifice and giving is parenting.
Have you been parenting your partners? Why are you attracted to men who need that kind of treatment, or who "take" from you sex, affection, and devotion, and then move on to other women? There are probably hundreds of self-help books written on these topics, and many therapists who can talk to you about these issues. Because this is not a healthy attitude to have toward relationships. In many ways, the culture as a whole has a similarly unhealthy attitude toward love and relationships, but some of that is simply the product of drama on TV and in movies, which are not accurate depictions of life or a good guide by which to live. The whirlwind romance, the noble unrequite love, the turbulence of fighting and making up, none of that is healthy, but all of it is pervasive in society. Only in the movies is real love about dramatic sacrifices; in real life, love is pretty quiet and calm.
What is love? Well, people have been debating for millenia, but for practical purposes, here's a healthy attitude toward it. When you're initially involved with someone you're attracted to, you're infatuated with that person. Infatuation lasts for as long as you're both high on good feelings bounced between you, for as long as you're daydreaming, hoping, and imagining rather than learning and investigating.
To be in love, you must first get to know your partner and actually see and understand his/her character, values, goals, plans, and outlook on life, and determine if it is compatible with yours. Plenty of people we like and are attracted to cannot make good partners for us, because they're incompatible - they're casual drug users, and we have a moral objection to that; they're conservative, and we're liberal; they're introverted, we're extroverted; they're not at a place in their life where they're settled and capable of monogamy and commitment, etc. There are lots of reasons why people we feel a big rush of giddiness over do not make good partners for us. You'll keep getting hurt in life until you learn to enjoy the thrill of the infatuation and attraction, a bit like a glass of wine, but consciously focus on investigating your partner's compatibility and being willing to cut it off if there are problems.
Only after you've gotten a full and complete picture of your partner's identity, character, and compatibility, and this usually takes more than a year of lots of in-person contact in a variety of situations where you can observe his character in action, only then can you really be in love with someone. Otherwise, you're "in love" with your imagination, with a dream of what he is, with an extrapolation from limited observed behavior, not with the real person.
I counsel victims of domestic violence, and "but I love him..." is one of the most common things I hear from them. That's not love, it's a pathology. It's not about him, or love, it's about the woman saying it. So, ask yourself, why are you saying you love him? Why are you calling what you feel love? Love isn't magic, it isn't bestowed by the gods, it's isn't some kind of force unto itself. It's the product of two compatible, healthy, equal adults who willingly enter into a commitment to provide emotional support, affection, and sex to each other. Sometimes, "but I love him" says way more about you than about the situation.
To use an example - you talk about "leaning" on him, about sacrificing for him, giving to him, and even see something sort of noble in unrequited "love." Start thinking about what that says about you, rather than accepting this as natural and inevitable. Start asking yourself why you don't think you deserve an equal and committed partner. Could you have low self-esteem? Are you avoiding a "real" relationship with an available and mature partner because you're afraid? Could you be trying to care for others because you didn't get parental care, or because you feel guilty for something you've done? Are you creating this "relationship" entirely out of fantasy, never asking him any questions about whether you're dating, exclusive, committed, but just drifting along in a fantasy about his actions meaning he's in love until you're rudely awakened by reality, and why? Could you be clinically depressed and in need of medication (more than 40 million Americans at any given time do), and is that why you're seeking out and staying paralyzed in situations that make you unhappy, rather than seeking out happiness for yourself?
Make no mistake, you choose to remain fixated on him and call it "unrequited love" and think it's healthy. You can stop. If you can't seem to stop on your own, by really examining what you've been calling love, then you may need help getting there, and should look into self-help books, therapy, or maybe treatment for depression (getting stuck in a rut of self-defeating thinking, like you can't escape a pattern of thoughts, is sometimes a sign of depression). There's only one person on this earth you can't live without, and that's you. No other person "completes" you or is necessary to your happiness, no one. Attachments to other people in the belief that only they can make you happy is unhealthy. Only you can make you happy. Get to the point where you realize that what you miss about an ex partner is a certain dynamic of interaction (caring, affection, mutual respect) and the feelings you had in response to situations. Then go look forward and find another partner with whom you can create a similar dynamic (if not improve on the past with the lessons you've learned).
A person who is no longer part of your life just isn't part of your life anymore. You have to come to accept that and move forward. Think as if this person had died. Many people are widowed, but they have to continue living, right, they have to keep finding some joy in every day and making a meaningful life for themselves, and even finding love again. That's what's happened - you've suffered a permanent loss, you have to accept that it's done and over, and then you have to start looking forward to continue on with your life. Time will help, but you have to consciously choose to close the door and stop dreaming and hoping.
I completely agree with your post. I think you, eeks, and eeyore have a valid perspective. I'm sure we've all been around long enough to know when we've found the real thing, to know the difference between the person you want to spend your life with and someone you like or even love but it's just not there. I guess logic does dictate that if you're not together then he wasn't the one. But let's be realistic. We are all human beings, and emotions are way more powerful than logic, rational thinking, or even (sometimes) common sense.
Milton said "get to the point where you realize what you miss about an ex partner is a certain dynamic of interaction and the feelings you had in response to situations. Then go look forward and find another partner with whom you can create a similar dynamic." But finding love isn't like shopping for shoes. If you go to the store and find a pair you like but they don't come in your size, you can always find a similar pair of shoes that will work. But with love? I don't think I can just say next time I'm going to look for a partner with whom I have the same dynamic of interaction and maybe if I'm lucky I can recreate the same love, the same spiritual bond. Common interests, respect, communication, friendship, and all the other components that contribute to love don't necessarily add up to love. And even if they did every time, why is it so hard to accept that maybe once, with one person that love was so deep, so spiritual, and touched you so deeply to the core of your being that maybe it WON'T ever happen again?
If every fiber of your being screams "this is the person I want to be with, I know I've found it, no one else will ever compare" does it necessarily mean that you've put this person on a pedestal? Does it mean that you just refuse to accept that this person is out of your life and move on? If you feel it so deeply, maybe he was it. Maybe he was "the one".
Like Serendipity, I am trying to move on. It is hard. Sure I know I can, but is it the same without him in my life? No. Even if I achieve every goal I set out to accomplish, enjoy many wonderful family and friends, have a successful career, many wonderful experiences will I still feel like something is missing without him? Yes, I think I will. Because I believe that the happiness that comes from within, and the happiness that comes from sharing your life with someone you truly love (and who truly loves you) are different.
Sorry if this post is long and rambling. I hope I was able to articulate how deeply I feel about this.-belcanto
I think, Belcanto, that the truth lies somewhere in between our perspectives and those of milton,angelicafox, doubleblade and so forth. All are valid and contain elements of the truth, but they are not the whole picture. I'm really and truly beginning to think that the "whole picture" is that this idea of there being "one" person for us romantically is a bit of a societal myth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the feelings behind that concept don't exist because, believe me, I know they do. Nor am I saying that monogomy is a myth. What I am suggesting is that perhaps what is more likely is that there are a handful of people that we will meet throughout our lifetime who we could have those intense, unbelievable, THIS IS IT, feelings for. That our souls may be able to connect at that deeper level with more than one person.
I say this because 1) I know the importance of my own feelings in my own particular situation (feelings which are obviously being echoed across this board by many women) and I know that *I* could spend the rest of my life with the man who is now my ex, but also because 2) the facts of the situation as it stands will not allow that scenario to occur. Just because 2 happened does not mean 1 is not valid and real. Yet, at the same time, just because 1 exists does not mean that 2 should not.
My feelings such as they are are not, as Erin says, "calls to action." Just becuase they exist does not mean that they will be able to be acted upon or brought to fruition. I am fiercely in love with my ex and will most likely remain so for quite some time. But, if I really sit down and assess the facts of the situation, just because he is everything that I have ever wanted, hoped and prayed for in a lifetime mate...just because we have this insane connection that neither of us can really let go of...just becuase we are among eachother's dearest companions...does not mean that it is right for us to be together. Not now and probably not ever. This does not invalidate anything I feel, this doesn't mean that it wasn't real, this doesn't mean that he *wasn't* the guy that I would've spent my life with. It just means that in the real world facts outweigh feelings. Rational outweighs emotional. Despite my romantic inclinations, that's how it should be. Otherwise the world would run completely amok.
And maybe one day I will meet another fabulous man with whom I connect with as deeply as I do my ex, and maybe that dynamic between this other man and I will prove more stable given the lessons I will have learned and the emotional maturity that I hope to gain by then. Will I always feel the loss of the person who was my first real, potent, soul-wrenching love and regret our parting on some level? Probably. But does that mean I will never feel that way for another person again? Oh I hope not.
belcanto..yes..you expressed yourself as I would.
I am not the wierd mentally depressed person Milton tried to describe. If you asked any of my friends if i was a "romantic fairy-tale" girl ...they'd laugh their freakin' heads off. I didn't go into my situation, family history, full relational past on this post.
I am a 39 yr old woman. The best thing I got out of this was that I do know...what true love is. Ive had MAJOR losses in my life. I connect deeply with some people. I know the difference between infatuation and love. Ive taken the time to get to know people. Ive been more cautious than most and never....ever...throw around the "I love you's" ...only been 2 men ive ever said that to...because its profound to me and i take it VERY seriously. Ive broken up with those who have said it to me, knowing that it wasn't true love on my part, and didn't think they knew me well enough to be saying that and I didn't want someone who can do that so friviously. Perhaps Ive left behind unrequited love myself.
What the thread was about...was about how, when you feel its real love, and they don't..will the feelings ever die down because there are no references of detachment...fights, disgruntled disappointments etc on the side of the person who is in love. Someone intjected that because someone didnt love you, that it couldnt be true love. I disagree. If that is the case, I would venture to say a majority of people are not in true love marriages, relationships etc in our society today.
I am old enough and have enough life experience to know that it is rare to have those feelings and (and to know the difference).
Milton, I thank you for a VERY well written post. Some of it applies to me, and thankfully most does not. I hope no one suffers too much. I always learn through pain...but enough already...i grieve and wallow too much sometimes...but Ive decided today....(for real this time) no more. I am a cancer sun with cancer venus....its a blessing and a curse...emotions. I still feel smarter for it. (feeling foolish is awful and this last relationship really brought that out in me like no other had).
If you are not having fun you better be learning something.
Lizzie
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