does your ex still want to have sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
does your ex still want to have sex?
8
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:28pm

here's my story i broke up w/my ex bf of 5 yrs b/c he cheated. well i've been playing this game w/him, and the girl he cheated on me with (you know letting him have his cake and eat it too). i wasn't ready to admit to myself that our relationship had ended. i yearned to hear his voice, so i would call him numerous times throughout the day just to hear his voice, i would still want to sleep with him just to know that he still loved me, even when i KNEW that the times that i couldn't reach him he was w/her.

now i'm happy to say that those feelings are all behind me. i no longer want to be a 3rd party in a relationship where I'm not priority #1! this past weekend, i didn't call him not one time. we were supposed to see each other on fri, but had an argument the day before so that never happend. he called around 2am on sat morning asking if he can come and say hi. at 2 in am? i told him no, and if he wanted to see me, maybe we could hook up later on in the day. perturbed he hung up the phone, for a minute i felt vendicated that i would not continue to let myself be used like this any more. so, sticking to my word i called him later on to see what time he wanted to get together. of course, he didnt want to do anything until later, but i had already made it up in my mind that i wanted an afternoon date, and since i couldn't get what i wanted, he couldn't have what he wanted.

i spent the last 4 mths at his beck n call, realizing that this kind of relationship was not beneficial to me in no way shape or form, i decided not to be like that anymore. he's been trying to get me to come to his house for the past week n a half. i knows that all he wants is sex, and i'm not going to give it to him.

i must say though, i'm hurt b/c after all that we meant to each other has our relationship been shaken so severely that sex is all we can offer one another? why is he calling me to sleep w/me anyway, why can't he continue to sleep w/her? i mean afterall he ruined a 5 yr relationship to be w/her.

so, i guess my question is - does your ex still contact you for sex? if so,how do you handle the situation?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:32pm
Men look for sex with the ex because what they want they pursue. Having sex with your ex has no strings attached, it's just a physical activity an sexual release for them. There is no commitment to the other and they enjoy the benefits without the responsability. However, it's a different story for the woman, who usually associates sex with feeling of love and closeness, she belives that by having sex with the ex he'll change his mind and will be back to her. Nothing farther from the truth. A way not to have sex with the ex is simply say "no".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 7:53pm

"after all that we meant to each other has our relationship been shaken so severely that sex is all we can offer one another"

You don't have "a relationship." You broke up. You have booty calls. You have ex sex. You don't have "a relationship." It's thinking in terms of "us" and "our relationship" that's the disconnect here. He's a guy. He can get easy sex from someone who knows what he likes. What's so complicated about that? Why on earth wouldn't he? How does it hurt him? If he wanted "a relationship" with you and had all those love feelings for you, he wouldn't have been cheating with another girl, right? So, sex with you isn't about love for him, it's about sex. Don't try to create a mystery here where none exists, or invest his behavior with any great significance. Don't go looking for zebras when you've got a horse in front of you. Has he said "I made a mistake, I'm so sorry I hurt you by cheating, I'm in counseling to figure out how I could betray your trust, I don't deserve you but I'd do anything to have you back"? No, of course not. That would mean he wants "a relationship" with you and is in love with you. Instead, he's been willing to take sex that's on offer. And since that hurts and confuses you, it's up to you to take it off the table. Just say no. Have no more contact with this guy. Don't you respect yourself more than this?

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:30pm

My former ex and I used to hook up for sex.







Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:23am

i wrote the letter this past weekend. i told him everything that i wanted him to know. mon morning he called and i told him that i still loved him and that i wanted to work it out. he told me that he missed/loved me to but that he's moving on and i should do the same. he said that he thinks we should concentrate on establishing a friendship and mutual respect, then see what happens after that point. he said that my emotions are constantly changing, and that he just can't believe me just like that... he told me that i could call him sometime, well yesterday i called and the girl answered his phone, yes his phone, i was shocked/hurt but i still kept my cool asked for him, she hung up. i didn't call back. i just sat on the couch for 15 mins in total disbelief. i mean, he's the main one always talking about trust and our unresolved issues etc and then he goes and does this...

now i'm sitting at my desk crying b/c it hurts to know that the things he did w/me he's doing w/her. i guess my defense mechanism to her/him spending time together was that its not me, it wont be the same, he wont be happy etc. i know that this might sound awful, but things between them are just the opposite and i hate it! she's over there, he's w/her and i'm alone. i was feeling so good when i put the letter in the mail, and now it feels like i'm back at step one again. my bestfriend is a really good friend, she listens to me when i break down emotionally and she was so happy that i decided to write him the letter. she told me that if he still wanted to cont to see the both of us to stop talking to him now, b/c it will just as hard in the long run. since x-mas is right around the corner, that doesn't help either-it will be the first x-mas that i'll be spending w/out him. can't even tell you how many times i've cried over the mere thought. now i see how his ex felt when him and i got together. their relationship wasn't totally resolved either when i entered the pic. i wish i knew where she was now, so that i could tell her that i can very much relate to her.

i had a self talk w/myself this morning to stop me from calling him and asking him what that was all about last night. but i decided that the man i loved is no longer the same person. dont get me wrong, he drives the same car, wears the same clothes, lives in the same place but he's not the person i once loved. he's someone different now.

i just wanted to give you an update. please feel free to offer any advice. sorry if this dampered your spirits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 2:27pm

Hi Jejones, I know how you are feeling. I too continued to have sex with my ex for all the wrong reasons. He would be dating someone else and call me. He would hear that I was talking to someone new, and rush over to be with me. I got the late night calls with I miss you, can I see you? I tried no contact and within a month he calls wanting to try again. It was just sex to him, and to me, it was so much more. I would think, why would he call me? He can sleep with anyone he wants, why does he keep coming back. I didn't want to except that I was just too easy. I would say no so many times and thats when he would try harder, and just show up. ANYWAY, I also just sent an email, explaining that I couldn't handle fwb situation, that I've always cared too much, and that I don't even want to be friends. He wrote back saying he was sorry for taking advantage, that I deserve so much more, blah blah. It was a nice reply I guess, but here's where we are... HAVING TO ACTUALLY LET GO NOW. Its that road I've come up to numerous times and failed to cross. Time, no contact, and acceptance, like they have all said is really the key.

I am praying daily to just let it go, that it wasn't meant to be. All I did was stop him from calling for sex, and I know that was right. I sometimes still wish he would call anyway, that he really wants more, but I know he won't. I wish you the best as well, that you can heal and move on. It's just letting go, accepting and letting go.

Best wishes, take care
Christan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:02pm

yes, you're right, i just have to accept it and let it go!!! i'll cry and be blue, but its better than cont. the triangle btwn him, her and i. what an ordeal. no one really knows what it feels like until it happens to them. i never would imagined in my wildest dreams that he was a cheater, but like my mother says "men will pull their pants down and tell you to kiss their a**"

anyway, thanks for responding and the words of encouragement. on to better and brighter days!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:00pm
I'm glad that you are starting to feel better about everything and that you're starting to see your ex for what he really is.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 4:53pm

Wow, I thought that I was the only one in a sitution like that. Yours and mine are soo similiar!!! I also, lettin my cheatin ex have his cake and eat it to. Why would I want anything to do with him after all he put me thru? And why would I want anything with him while hes with this girl that he cheated on me with? I didnt want to let go. And still dont want to let go. Im having a hard time dealing with it. How did you manager to????

My ex doesnt call for sex. What happend was, when we first broke up, we stioll hung out..for sex? yes. while he had her on the other side too? yes...awful i know, i did this to myself..we stopped that tho.that happened in may when we broke up......soooo we were good and i stopped seein him, i didnt talk to him..until this dec. rolls around..he calls me and tells me that they broke up.......i always said i wouldnt go back tohim, but i did..so ya sex started up again and feelins came back agian......we ended things once aagin because they are back "on" together.......so now i feel like im back at square one..i need help!!!!!!!!!