Doing what I can but still unsure.
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| Sun, 01-08-2006 - 5:30am |
I read through some of the messages on this board and I have more to say and hope that it brings some clarity to others and myself.
I was involved in a long-distance relationship for almost two years. He fell out of nowhere and I wasn't sure how to move forward since we had met in chat. I took a chance for the first time and I wasn't afraid of the consequences. We spoke over the phone daily, sometimes more in a day. Over time I grew to love him and he told me the same. I was a strong person but with his guidance and love I became a strong woman. Over time we grew to be rely on each other and care deeply. We decided after a year that we would meet. It never happened because there was one difficult situation after another that came across for him. Nothing deliberate cause you can't feign deaths or natural disasters. Looking back I didn't see anything wrong until he left for parts unknown. I didn't hear from him for over a month and I was worried out of mind. He finally contacted me and I let him know how angry I was that he left without a word. He tried to sweet-talk his way back but I wasn't open to it. After that all communication stopped for two months, I would call to let him know I was there for him regardless. He never responded until I left him a lengthy message about what had happened in his absence. Shortly after I received two text messages with the words "stopcalling" and "goodbye". I couldn't understand the meaning behind his messages except that I was shocked. I haven't called him because I see no reason to let him get the upper hand on a disasterous situation.
Closure isn't going to come in a form of an explanation from him, I know this is a truth. I called a close friend who held my hand and comforted me during one of the darkest times of my life. The irony of this is I still love him and always will. I don't have any ill feelings for him but I hope he doesn't live the rest of his life alone. He had too many tragedies in his life to be further kept in the dark. My heart is forever changed and so am I as a woman. Part of me wonders if he will come back ( we had broken up a year earlier because of his job but he told me that it was over that time). I understand he is non-confrontational and I lay the cards on the table. Time is something I have that will very much care for all wounds, mine and his.
What I still don't understand is how does a a guy love so deeply and suddenly cuts off all contact? Was the love a lie he told himself to comfort lonely nights? Did everything he said and did have zero meaning? I don't understand how one moment you are striving to show love then turn around to be cold as ice.
A long post of which I apologize but better to view the picture at hand.

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I had a LDR end recently...he just stopped calling, after a year and a half. No breakup, no nothing...he just stopped calling and hasn't returned one call, text or email. And we actually met in person (we met when I was on vacation in New Orleans) and had a number of visits back and forth, and he was (supposedly) planning to move up here to be with me.
I do think that men who can do the disappearing act don't feel feelings the same way more normal, healthy people do. I think that your online/phone relationship served a purpose for him, but he wasn't capable of having one in real life, where there might be greater expectations and obligations placed on him. It's not that his feelings weren't "real", exactly, but they were based in fantasy and projection.
You might want to read some of the posts in this folder from early to mid-December about disappearing men...at least to see that you're not alone. And for me, it really helped to re-read "Men Who Can't Love" and "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter, to realize that my ex had a lot of the classic signs of someone who has serious commitment issues. I *should* have picked up on that (I'm all too familiar with that pattern) but I believed him when he said things like, "this will all be worth it in the end, hang in there", etc.
Sheri
hey there...
I am going thru the older messages and have to agree- I just re-read "Men Who Can't Love" (parts of it) last night, and I saw classic pages of my guy in there. (as you may recall, I sent him an email last Friday to say our goodbyes and he never responded.)
anyway, the book does explain their flaky behavior... they can't live with you, can't live without. It's easier for you to end the relationship because they can't- they are confused. (whatever)
The disappearing act is unbelievable and feels like a knife in your heart- we were just talking 4 days ago and now nothing? He didn't just fall off the face of the earth and at this point, there's no excuses for this. He's not soooo busy; he's not hoping you'll email once more, etc.