domestic squabbling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
domestic squabbling
2
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 10:08am
Hi everybody,

i'm new to this board, and wanted some advice about what to do about my situation.

I have been married for 15 years, and my husband and I have two daughters aged 16 and 13. A few months ago i found out my husband had been cheating on me, and so moved to my sister's house. my sister has two daughters of her own, and a live-in boyfriend that did not father her daughters. the past few months have been pure hell living with her, but i have nowhere to go right now.

the thing is that our eldest daughters do not get along, and this puts friction between my sister and i over how to raise them. the girls are constantly fighting both verbally and physically, with the faceslap as the dispute settler. I don't think a week has gone by in over four months in our house where one of us has not slapped the other. it started off between the elder girls, spread to the younger girls and now has spread to occuring between my sister and i.

Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. This type of thing is a common occurence and happens at least once a week when disagreements don't get resolved. After all the faceslapping it seems everything cools off after a while, and it so remains as a viscious cycle of tension between us, verbal outletting and then

SLAP..... SLAP SLAP.....SLAP.......... SLAP SLAP SLAP separate and don't talk for the rest of the day. UGH - just driving me nuts!

I feel bad for my sister's boyfriend as he must be sick and tired of living with a house full of fighting women and girls. My husband begs me to move back with him, but I can't bear even looking at him, even though he said he hasn't seen the other woman for three months. I don't know whether to believe him. He has shown up here several times, and is upset that my sister and I and our daughters are not getting along, and says all the troubles will go away if me and the girls just move back with him. I can't take it and just tell my sister's boyfriend to make him go away.

I've tried to punish my daughters for slapping, but I think it's both my sisters and my fault. We were raised in a household ourselves where the women unfortunately settled disputes by slapping the other girls face.

Has anyone ever had this situation - know how to stop the cycle of faceslapping?

I don't know what to do about my husband either as I can't conceive of living with him, can't afford to move out on my own, but can't deal with the female faceslapping in our house of six women and one guy constantly trying to break it up.

Any ideas what to do?

Laine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 12:33pm
Wow.....face slapping sounds kind of funny when you grew up in a household where you knocked each other out, then repeatedly bashed their face into the ground. And no I am not kidding. I feel very sad, and at the same time very angry after reading your posting. First off you and your sister need to settle down and chat with one another, just the two of you with no one else present. You two are the grown ups here, your sister knows you need her and that’s why she is trying to be there for you....but I ask this one question, if she is trying to be there for you and help you in a very, very serious time then why half ass it?? Right now you have enough on your plate to worry about finding out your husband is a dog! You shouldn’t have to worry about where you and your kids will sleep. You don’t need more stress feeling unwelcome and upset all the time. But on the topic of your daughters, the only slapping that should be dished out is from you and your sister, to all of your daughters. I have a nephew who is my heart and soul, that’s my baby boy!! But when he gets out of line I don’t care if my sister is there or not, I will wax that ass! Kids need it, they need to be disciplined, but never should a child strike back at a parent...ever! But there is also a limit to child spanking, I believe it is always in the rear, and always with your hand. Having teenagers is a different topic, they are too grown to be spanked, but they should already have that respect developed for their elders no matter what. Now I understand your oldest daughters are bickering...one may feel out of place for having to stay at her cousin’s house, one may feel they need their space...understood. But that is when your sister must get involved, remember it is hard to raise children, not to mention 10 times harder when you feel like your alone. You and your sister need to stay together on this one. Your sister must teach her children respect, and have them understand they are not paying the bills in the house, so they will not have a say on who’s in the house, yet alone how the household is conducted. Your kids at the same time need to understand that they are guests, and although they are at their aunt’s house you are still to conduct yourself respectfully. Now if the daughters bicker there is not much you can do to prevent that because that is what teenagers do, but you and your sister are way too old for that, and you know it. When they fight, make them clean up the whole house together, and after that they can do the yard (if you have one) or just extensively clean every room, bathroom, basement etc. And if they still want to fight, they can just sit in different rooms, doing nothing. They shouldn’t be able to watch TV, talk on the phone, go out to the mall, nothing. Mature kids get privileges, not kids who cant even keep their hands to each other. I promise no disrespect at all, but your daughters wouldn’t slap someone on the streets! Come on now, they would fear them slapping back, and there’s no one there to break the fight up and make sure they don’t get hurt. So why would you fight your family.... that’s the number one rule, you never fight your family, you only fight for them. Now with this slapping scene that you and your sister are in I ask you one question, what if you or she is really, really upset and instead of open palm hitting, one of you balls up your fist and knocks the other one out? What would happen then, how would you feel. What if you had to take her to the hospital? If you two as the adults, and the grown women in the house cant keep your hands to yourself, how in the world to you expect your children to do the same? You must set examples for them to follow. Now, I grew up in a very violent household, and I mean everyone fought even the cats, and dogs. Please trust me it gets you no where, not to mention it is against the law to put your hands on someone else. I am not sure where you live but in most states, if there is a domestic disturbance call, it can be just screaming or yelling, and police report to the call someone is getting locked up for the night. Especially if there are marks on someone (lets say a hand print to the face)! Try to be strong and civilized, we have mouths to talk use them! Good luck, you will be in my prayers. Oh yeah about your husband, what a dog. Your married with kids, marriage is suppose to be so sacred and such a beautiful ceremony witnessed by god, but he broke it and didn’t take it that serious. Don’t get back with him, at least just yet. Make sure your financially stable and have a place for your kids to stay at before you enter danger zone with that fool. And you might even want to consider a divorce, because he actually committed adultery, you’re in the right.....For the money and kids!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:55pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to hear about all the drama going on in your life. I don't know how to stop the faceslapping unless you sit down with your sister and discuss ways to stop it ....including both of you punish your daughters for doing it and keep yourselves from doing it. Other than that all I can think of is to let your girls live at least part of the time with your husband so you get some peace at your sister's....those are just ideas though. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a place for you and your girls soon. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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