Don't know how to break up with guy/help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2006
Don't know how to break up with guy/help
1
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 3:30pm

Ok..here is the background: I am divorced..for over 5 years. It was such a bad divorce it took me a long time to even try to date. A friend finally convinced me to try online dating. Pretty quickly I met a nice man. He has been very good for me..helped rebuild my self esteem, realize that I was attractive and fun to be with. He told me pretty quickly that he loved me. I think I was so flattered by him being so into me that I fooled myself into thinking I loved him. I now realize I do like him BUT he is not the one. For a while I have taken the whole stance of..lets just date for a while. I have made it clear to him that I was not ready to marry. For lots of reasons.. we both have kids. At first our kids seemed to like each other but about 3 or so months into our dating my kids told me that disliked his kids. My daughter had me very worried as I found some notes she had written where she said she felt sad and hated his daughter. Then my son told me that he couldn't stand the kids either. Both of his kids have ADHD. They are on the severe end of the scale. Their mom doesn't do much to help them learn how to socialize so many of the things that drove my kids nuts were social cue things.. like talking too loud..talking through a movie. His little girl has some eatting disorder and that is worrisome.

Then there are my issues with him... obviously one is.. I don't want to force my kids into a situation where they hate his kids.. and they don't like him either. They always complain that he is annoying (again.. more social things like he laughs loudly..or makes a lot of silly jokes that are really appropriate for much younger kids and they feel patronized). If I stay with him I will always be stressed out as a mediator..and I am so not ready to deal with his kids and their issues. (I find myself shocked to say that as I like kids.. my house is the one with all the kids over all the time and some of kids' friends have ADHD and they don't bug me.) He is a recovering alcoholic...I think that is great. I am a social drinker and Ienjoy going to a wine festival here and there. He doesn't and I do respect that ..but I want to enjoy that with someone. I love to cook and I want someone who will keep me company as I cook and enjoy new foods. He is such a boring eater...pure meat and potatoes with no desire to even try something new..or itis pulling teeth to get him to try something. He is clinically depressed. He does take meds for it..but I can't get him to regularly go to the gym (or something like that)..it would help his cholesterol as well as his mood. He sleeps more than anyone I know and frankly that drives me nuts.

So how do I tell him..I don't want to hurt him. But we have talked over the past year and half about marriage. He does have that expectation (although I always told him I wasn't ready yet..mostly telling him about my concerns about how our respective children were not getting along). He is an only child with no surviving family (His mom just died 2 xmas' ago..this time is hard on him). His birthday is coming up.. so I have certainly thought about waiting til after the holidays..but frankly my concern is that I will just continue to add to his expectations. I have spent the last week or so without seeing him due to scheduling issues and frankly have never been happier..he wants to make plans for next weekend and I am at a cross roads.. tell him now..or wait til after christmas.

I know that ultimately he will be ok and I know he will just go back out there looking as he has told me that he wants to find the right person and get married...but I also know this will be very hard on him. Before my marriage I never really dated and it was my ex who left me. I want to stay friends with this guy. advice please?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 4:23pm
Hi Danielle. Well, I have never been married (or divorced) and I don't have kids. BUT, what is at the CORE of this post is that you don't want to marry this guy that you are seeing, and he DOES want to marry you. It's very important for you to take into consideration how your kids feel about any man you are seeing (as I can tell you realize!) I think you probably owe it to this guy to be honest with him and tell him its not working out. You said you don't want to hurt him....but break-ups hurt, that's all there is to it. He WILL get through it (just like you got through your bad break-up/divorce) and will be fine. I think prolonging a relationship that you are not into is ultimately much more harmful than just ending it and making a clean break. When it's not right, it's not right! Don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for "worsening" any of the stuff he's dealing with. You said you wanted to be friends, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want that! I know your intentions are good; that you probably still want to be there for him. But give him the time to grieve the loss of the relationship before approaching the idea of friends. Anyways...those are my thoughts, hope it was helpful in some way! Good luck.