Don't know what to do
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| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:29am |
Let me just recap: We dated for about 9 months. The first 4 months were great. He was the one chasing me, he wanted the relationship to progress faster than it should have. We went on vacation after 3 months, and when we came back he told me he needed a break. 3 days later he called and took it back. After this it all went downhill. He became depressed, and tried to overdose on antidepressants twice. I was there for him all the time. Sitting by his side at the hospital, him telling me he loves me. I took time off work to be with him when he wasn't working.
Towards the end of the summer, he started to feel better again, and started going back to work, and hanging out with his old friends whom he hadn't spoken to in a very long time. When we started dating, he didn't really have any friends because he never kept in contact with them. Plus, they were all friends of his brothers' growing up. We started seeing each other less and less. He'd go back into a slump every once in a while and come crying back to me. We fought a lot and the day before my birthday we broke up. The next day he took me out and we had a great time, and he told me he didn't even know if he wanted to break up. He said he's different every day, and he needs to straighten out his life. After that it was all the same.
I can't even tell you how much I've done for him, and he totally takes it for granted. I've given him my cell phone to use because he doesn't have one and can't really afford to buy one right now. This past weekend was his sisters' birthday, whom I'm good friends with. On friday night he called me up and told me there was a message from a guy. I checked it and it was a friend of mine. I told my boyfriend I didn't know who it was, and that if I was trying hide something from him why would I give him my cell to use?
The next day he called me and told me my phone was at his house if I wanted to pick it up. I called him back and asked him if it was over and he said ya, and hung up. I left my house and when I came back I saw that he called 6 times. So I called him back. He told me not to pick it up, that he would bring it to me the next day, and that we'd hang out and do something and talk. That night I saw him at his sister's party and he completely ignored me. I saw him at the bar talking to a couple of girls, which made me feel like he didn't even care about me or my feelings. So I left. The next day I called him to see if I can get my phone, and he told me he'd bring it to me the next day, and told me he'd call me later. I told him not to, and he freaked out. He said 'don't worry about it I won't, and lose my number and don't ever call me again'.
It really hurts because I'd given so much to him, and he was a completely different person when I met him. Plus, I was the one with the guard up in the beginning. I couldn't believe that this guy liked me so much. He did so much for me and always wanted to be with me. How can someone treat someone that loves them so much like they mean nothing to them?

So the first 3-9 months - they're not so much dating you out of respect, admiration, trust, acceptance, and appreciation of youo as an individual - as they are dating the entity that via attention and approval makes them feel great about themselves.
How self-aware and self-responsible a person is - as evidenced by their lifestyle, successes....determines to waht if any extent that they can appreciate you as an individual vs. "the benefits, ease, comforts, and convenience that your presence offers ot them".
You're dating a guy who lacks self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance and self-responsibility -what he was into wasn't "you" - it was the feelings that your desire for him inspired in him - about himself.
When he figured out that you weren't going to solve his life problems, make his insecurities vanish - his issues re-emerged with a vengeance and he acted out....like he's always done.
People pushing for alot of interaction, intertwining, innvolvement and commitment in the beginning are looking for a source of salvation, identity, security, or completion - and he thought he found that in you - that's impossible to find in someone else - and now you're dealing with his rejection of you "not fixing his life like he thought you would."
You don't want a project for a boyfriend.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Because there is something wrong with him - not with you.
You deserve better.
beeya
this all sounds too familar to me.
when i first started dating my ex i saw no drug use or excessive alcohol use...then as things progressed and he got more comfortable with me one night he pulled out the pot...i declined while he smoked....the next day i had a talk with him about my feelings about pot and how i feel it had ruined one relationship i had and how my old friends from high school who use it have gone nowhere with their lives
he told me he used to have a big problem..red flag....but about 7 years ago he got in big trouble with it and quit.....
well everytime we were around someone who had pot he would smoke and i hated the way it made him....all detached and distant......then the week before he broke up with me he went out drinking with the guys while i was out of town and drunk dialed me at 5am...this was a work night for him....
when i talked to to him the next day he had no memory of the call, no memory of how he got home and no memory of falling asleep in his clothes in a chair...
i was not commenting on any of this except for the drinking blackout..and i just said gee that is pretty scary to not remember...but no nagging...i learned from the past that this does no good....
i was worrying about the future of our relationship at this point but wanted to make sure i was not making mountains out of molehills.....
so i am lucky he broke it off with me because i know it would only have gone downhill from there....
if someone had trouble with drugs in the past the only way you can be relatively sure that they will stay sober is if they have gone thru rehab...and are continuing a 12 step program...and we all know there are no guarantees with that..
he probably thought the relationship would be enough for him to stay off drugs...
anyway...not your fault...just take care of yourself
good luck
lots of people do this..