Don't know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Don't know what to do...
2
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:16am
I had posted in the Toxic Relationships board about what was currently going on in my relationship.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rltoxicrelat/?msg=1330.4

Well, I broke it off with him last night and am now feeling horribly distraught and confused. I don't know what to do.

We broke things off last night. We got in another heated argument after I got home from work. It was once again about how he felt I was dismissing his feelings in the matter of how what my friend said hurt him.

Things seemed to be getting better and smoothed over, but I had to call my parents and let them know about what had happened, and they ended up coming over to help support me and let me talk about things. I had also called my friends over, because I felt like I needed the support, especially in questioning whether or not it's better to end things.

Well, he ended up coming home from work after being sent to a different store location, and saw I was very distraught that he had dropped by on his way there. He started badgering me about why I was so upset, and I told him it was because I wanted a chance to just talk with my parents. He kept asking me what I'd told them, what I'd said to them, etc... and I just kept asking why it mattered, and finally just said I'd told them about what happened this past weekend and they were coming over to help me try to clear my head.

When he left, my friends showed up, and he came back insisting I'd lied and deceived him by not telling him I'd called my friends over as well.

Then he kept asking me (outside while my friends were inside because he'd asked me to come outside to talk with him) if it was over. I didn't know what to say, and just kept saying that I didn't know. That I just need to clear my head.

By the time my parents showed up, he finally headed to work, very tearfully upset and thinking it was going to be a bashing fest behind his back. He felt like I'd stabbed him in the back.

I had a chance to talk with my friends and family, and found out they've all noticed things that were putting up red flags for them. Then he called and left a message saying he was being sent home from work, which he later said was because he broke down in front of his manager.

When he came home, he refused to come in, thinking he was coming up to a firing squad and saying how it was bringing back horrible memories of how he'd been tricked into a mental health institution when he was young so that his mother could be rid of him.

He was so distraught, I didn't know what to do. He wanted to run, he didn't have the keys to my car and just was going to take off. I begged him to come inside, swearing it wasn't going to be some kind of trap on him.

Eventually, after much time went by he finally came inside. It was so hard for me, seeing him hurting so badly. When I said I couldn't do this anymorer, and I couldn't handle the arguing, the controlling (whether he realized it or not)... he started begging me to give him a chance to change.

My parents were ready to get him on an airplane back to California, but instead we packed up all of his stuff (although I see now some of it was forgotten that I wish to give to him, like his cell phone charger so he can call his aunt in CA) and he walked to a nearby motel.

Since then, he's been calling me, begging me to talk with him and not just cut him off.

I don't know what to do. I'm hurting so badly, not knowing what to do. I don't know if he can change, I know he says this is a huge wake up call for him and that he wants to get help, and he wants to change... but there's the what if?

And what startled me was when he flat out lied to my face after I asked him how things were going to be between us if I did give him a chance, since my friends that he has issue with since the weekend were there last night. How could he just be ok with hanging out with them again or with me hanging out with them after all this?

He told me he'd worked through everything outside with the friend he says hurt him with her comment about controling. But that same friend had told me before he came inside that they hadn't resolved anything and he was still being very standoffish to her and wouldn't even listen to her. She said they hadn't resolved anything.

He lied to me about that? How is that suppose to make me want to give him a chance to change? He's told me before he's great at lying when he needs to.

Please, if anyone can offer advice, support, or anything at all... I need help. I'm in so much pain right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:31pm
Hi!

I dont understand the complete story between you two but I do notice a few things in your story. He seems to be very controling in a way thats hard to see (for you..)The thing is, he is trying to make you feel sorry for him and thats manipulating you to stay with him! For example that he is saying that what you were doing (talking to your friends and parents without him) reminds him of when he was young (the institution thing) BUT!: Even if that is the case, that doesnt mean you are doing wrong!

Anyway, its up to you what you do, you know best! Good luck....

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:24pm
Welcome to the board!!

I think that your ex really does care for you but he's hurt....he thinks you don't care about his feelings. Do you consider his feelings and have you discussed a way to make a compromise? I read your post and didn't see anything in it that said he was controlling....although I'm not you and I don't see what's going on and he very well could be. To me it just seemed your friends asked a question and you looked to him for the answer....he didn't tell you that you couldn't go. Anyway......whether you give him another chance is completely up to you but you really need to ask yourself what would make you happier long term getting back together or moving on. It doesn't really seem like the two of you are that happy with one another and that some time apart might do you both some good. No matter what you decide...we're here for you.

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