Don't know what to do anymore
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| Fri, 11-09-2007 - 3:52pm |
I am so confused. I love my boyfriend, but I am not happy anymore. He's 19 and I'm almost 22. We've been together 9 months, and I know everyones first response will be YOU'RE SO YOUNG, 9 MONTHS THATS NOTHING TO MY 3 YEARS...well 9 months is a long time for me, and we're both really mature for our ages. When you find love it doesn't matter how old you are.
Anyway, I am having a hard time, because I do so much for him, and he does so little for me. I don't think that he doesn't love me, or doesn't care about me, but he ALWAYS puts himself before me. If I wanted a dozen roses I would have to ask for a dozen roses, if I wanted to go to a movie i've been waiting a year to come out, i'd have to bring it up and pay for the movie. It's like he cares, but he doesn't know how to love someone, and make them feel special. Aside from this, he really is a sweet guy. He's never cheated, I don't think he ever will, and we get along pretty much perfectly. It's just that I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM, and he never thinks about me, just about himself. My mom says that all guys are like this, but if I'm unhappy what's the point?

All guys are NOT like this. I hope that isn't the lesson you're learning, however, it does sound like he is taking advantage of the situation. I do have to mention age though because I think that is a factor here. I think there also might be a bit of enabling going on on your part. He is doing what works for him because, frankly, it's working. As to what to do...
If something isn't working for you, you have to ask for it. If you don't ever see it happening, or changing, then this probably ins't the right guy for you. For instance, if you say, "i don't mind paying for the movie sometimes, but I also need you to pay for the movies sometimes (if this is how you want things to be). If he doesn't at that point do anything...well then you might have your answer. When doing this though, don't attack him or say, you need to do this or else. That won't work either. All you are doing is letting him know what your needs are (and be reasonable). Just my two cents.
It’s good that you recognize these specific character traits about him now.
Welcome to the board looking4answers34,
Asking for flowers is not a bad thing.... guys aren't mind-readers.
Ah, hon, if I had THAT answer I would be a millionaire.
Dear looking4answers34,
I can very confidently say that if this is the way your boyfriend is now, it will not change. I am 28, and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together quite off and on since we were 21 and 25. I have experienced the exact same kind of hurt that you are for the past 6 and a half years, and I am miserable.
I have always done EVERYTHING. Like yours, it is a one-sided relationship. You can do everything possible and be unbelievable good to him, but no matter how hard you try, it will not make him love you. My boyfriend says he loved me, but everything is about him--just like yours. These type of men are selfish and incapable of having a truly loving relationship with anyone--it's not you nor I. Let's help each other gain the courage to break free and have the emotional connection we deserve from a boyfriend.
laughs. I remember asking for flowers and being told they weren't 'practical'.
Anyways, I would gander that you're one of those people that dont' like asking for things. No, not every guy is oblivious, but a lot of them are. However, I would say that it might just be from conditioning (like suggested above) than being deliberately cruel. Have you sat down and talked to him about it? I remember my ex and I used to go dutch or I paid until one day I casually mentioned that I thought he wasn't stepping up in terms of paying. (and I'm old fashioned, sue me) And believe me he stepped up after that. They just need it pointed out to them in the right way.
And a short note on love languages. (and if you're not sick of me yet), I am very much like you - I show love with thoughtful gestures. I'll buy him something he likes, cook dinner after a long day, wake up early to cook him break fast. The most cutting thing he ever said to me was how I never supported him in anything. AT the time I thought, 'I am so unappreciated', but in retrospect he had a point (in his own way). He often complimented me, and in turn he responded to encouragement and compliments, which I give in short supply, because compliments..just don't mean very much to me. So take a look at YOUR relationship. Are there things other than gifts that he responds to? words of affirmation? Does he sparkle when you pay him attention?
anyways, all the best!
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.